Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Unlike the years that have come and gone before I am not sad to see you go. Rather I am anxious for you to be gone, looking forward to when you will be just a distant memory. I don't mean to sound harsh but let's face it our 366 day spin around the earth has been complicated from the get go to say the least.
During your time in my life I lost friends that were to young to be called home to Heaven. I was awakened to the real qualities that had always existed behind the pretty front of the person that I had once seen as the love of my life. I ended the life I had known and become all to familiar with for the past seven years. I discovered a skeleton in my closet ~ feelings for which I thought no longer existed. I made mistakes. I was hurt, and I hurt others. My heart was broken, my life was turned upside down, and so many tears were shed over things that were not within my power to change.
But alas not all of our days were bad, were they? I have some fond memories, memories I will forever cherish of our time together. Days of laughter, times spent with close friends, adventures that made me feel young and alive. Yes, we did have some fun times.
Unfortunately though you will always be thought of as perhaps one of the worst years of my life thus far. At 11:59 p.m. tonight I will smile one last smile for you as I bid you farewell. For this next year I am determined to make good. With you I will leave my broken heart and the linger of empty promises. Thanks to you I am wiser and no longer will I allow myself to be won over by a sly smile and sugar coated words. You have helped to harden me to what can be a cruel world, but deep down the trusting hopeless romantic remains.
I have learned lessons that I know I needed to learn but at the same time I wish I never would have. You stole some of my naive -ness ~ weather that is good or bad I'm still trying to figure out.
I will not drag this out any longer, our time together painful enough. I do owe you a thank you, as hard as it is to admit, thank you for helping me to become me again and for teaching me that it is ok to put myself first every now and then. For that I will forever be grateful.
Monday, December 29, 2008
After several trips only a few stray boxes littered the floor. The house was empty of all personal items the only thing remaining was the appliances, the borrowed kitchen table, the futon, the coffee table, the small TV from the bedroom, and the stereo. Nearly done Vivi and I decide it was time for a much needed food break. On our trip to town we reminisce about our fun nights over the previous seven months in the house. We can't go out like this, we decide. It's just not right. We have to have one last in the house..... I mean heck might as well try to finish off some of the stuff in the liquor cabinet that has acquired over the past months. We weigh our options: Vodka, Cruzan Raspberry Rum, Cruzan Mango Rum, Malibu Coconut Rum, Malibu Passion Fruit Rum, Crown, and 2 bottles of wine. Did I mention I can make some kick ass mixed drinks with Rum?
We pick our poison and figure Vodka is the way to go. Vivi calls Vixen who quickly agrees to the proposed drunken stooper. We hit the store in search of something to mix with the Vodka and stumble upon Strawberry-Kiwi juice. Why we thought this was a good idea I'll never know. But with the Blender lost somewhere in box land there would be no frozen drinks in our future.
We arrive back at the house to find Vixen with a devilish grin on her face as she produces the infamous red cups. I shake my head knowing I'm in for a long night. Now think - we spent all day moving everything out of the house only to then move back blankets and pillows and the items I would need to get ready the next morning.
As I mixed the first round of potion Vivi and Vixen set up the table for beer pong. Don't know why but we've been on a kick lately..... yes while at the store we bought ping pong balls. The stereo is turned on and we laugh as we go thru old Cd's listening to songs I hadn't heard since High School. As we play the game it is apparent we are on a mission and that mission is to say good bye to the house with a night we may not remember. At one point some of the concoction spills on my always mopped floor and I don't even flinch. Normally the clean freak in me would have been all over that with the swifter mop all ready out. But somehow I have come to grasp it's no longer my house and don't feel the urge to try and keep it perfect.
The conversations are interesting as we discuss our choices in men. In that we all have a pattern of dating the wrong guys. Why is that? Why do we go for the guys with the asshole attitudes? Why do we go for the guys we know will break our hearts? I mean I'll admit even though I myself have always been viewed by others as the 'good girl', I always date the guys that have a reputation for being a little bit trouble (maybe that's the right word?). I like the type of guy who is a little ruff around the edges and not afraid to get his hands dirty, but at the same time can clean up and look nice to...... Heck PL, X, and Big can all fall into this pattern - even Fire Guy for that matter. Perhaps I need to break the pattern...... but some habits are hard to break.
The games go by quickly and before I know it I'm stumbling as I lay the futon out. Vivi places the air mattress also in the living room and we blow it up laughing all the while at each other. It's after midnight, the vodka is gone and so is one bottle of rum (just to point out they were not full bottles to start with) and my head is spinning. I quickly fall asleep and have that great sleep you can only have when you have reached a certain level ~ you know that peaceful, dreamless sleep.
All to soon my alarm sounds. My head pounds as I switch it off and head for the bathroom. Yeah I had to be at work this morning..... Vivi and Vixen had off. I now see the error of this late thought out plan. And for all you math people beer pong - beer + vodka = bad idea. Why it ever sounded like a good idea I may never know. I'll chalk it up to adrenaline rush euphoria excitement.
My head pounded, the room was spinning, and my stomach churned as I attempted my morning routine. I contemplated calling in sick. Something I have never done when hung over because honestly I really don't drink that much (at least to the point I feel this bad the next day). This morning calling in sick was definitely an option. But I sucked it up and headed for work stopping at the gas station for my normal cure all of pretzels and Dr Pepper. Last night it was fun to be young and carefree. It was great to be with two of my best friends. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed that much. The last night in the house. I may not remember all the moments but I will never forget the laughter. It's always good to end things on a good note.
Saturday night Vixen, Vivi and myself, after weeks of turning down the invitation, finally agree to attend a gathering at Blondie's BF's house. Hesitantly I walk thru the front door not sure what trap will lay ahead of me. Why am I against the setups? Well for starters Blondie's only requirement appears to be that the guy is single and somewhat attractive. This theory held true as I am introduced to BF's little brother, after which she whispers in my year "He's single!"
"He's twelve," is the thought that runs through my mind but I bite my tongue and just smile as Vixen hands me a beer. I then learn that BF's little bro is 21 - maybe....... 21???!!!! No, no, no. Note to self: Don't ever agree to blind date that Blondie suggests. BF quickly brings out the cups and the beer pong table is assembled. As Vixen and I take our places in preparation of the first game the front door opens and in comes more of BF's friends. Amongst them is another guy that I am quickly told by Blondie is single. As I study the newest trap I realize me and her have to have a talk. He doesn't look twelve..... I mean he could at least pass for..... eighteen. Vivi just giggles giving me that 'better you than me look' as she raises her beer in a silent toast ~ I in turn shoot a 'go to hell look' back at her, mentally counting down till I can make my escape from juvi-hell.
I am not ungrateful at the fact she is trying to do, what is seen as in her eyes, a good deed. But I am not desperate by any means nor am I ready to just jump the first single, decent guy that comes along. I mean for starters the youngest I will go is twenty-four. Seeing as I'm newly twenty-six I think that's reasonable. Right? And age really is just a number but I'm ready for a guy not a boy so it all depends on how you act..... and if after two beers you appear to have a decent buzz you may be to young. lol
Seeing as I plan on making the forty minute drive home I exchanged the beer for Dr. Pepper early on in the night. At 11:30 I decided I had paid my dues and made my goodbyes eager to get home to Hyper and Twilight. Yes, day after Christmas I entered the dreaded Wal-Mart and fought the crowd just to buy that one book. Was it worth it? Hell yes! I am so addicted!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
My magic number is not that high (in that I can still count my conquest, we shall say, on one hand) and yet I don't know if I could go two years..... I just realized I haven't even made it two months.....
Ok anyway enough about me. Check out his Blog :)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
With that settled I reluctantly handed over $9.50 for a ticket to Twilight. I'll admit I was a little skeptical prepared to sit thru what was sure to be a cheesy love story that would leave me rolling my eyes and wanting to gag. As I watched the movie unfold on screen I found my self being dragged into the story line. Having taken several film classes in college I feel that I have the right to say the movie was well shot and had an intriguing story line; overall it was captivating. It left me wanting more! As a viewer ~ or perhaps I should restate ~ as a female viewer you can't help but fall in love Edwin.
Do guys like that exist? He is so sweet, so caring, so affectionate, so considerate..... and the looks he gives Bella. You can't help but sigh. Cause I mean lets be real and admit it ~ That is what every girl wants. To be swept off her feet and be hopelessly head over heals in love. As I watched Edward take Bella in his harms to dance with her in his room I can't help let my mind drift to Big. It reminded me of us. Heck no more than a week ago it was us as we danced in his kitchen to a slow song on the radio.
As Vixen and I rode home we discussed the movie and debated weather a love like that existed. We then went back to blaming Disney and movies like this for giving girls false hope about relationships and love. I won't lie, I want a love like that. But after being broken I don't know if I will ever trust someone that much without always having the fear of doubt in the back of my mind. The doubt that will keep you from getting to close for fear of being hurt. I grew silent watching the headlights pass on the road wondering if I had made a mistake with Big. Did I give up to soon? Or had I hung on to long as it was?
Either way I know first thing tomorrow I will be out buying the book. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
My finger lingered over the stop button, my attention captivated as the camera panned to my Dad and Guy trying to catch one our young cows. Others appear and I laugh at the antics of so many people trying to catch this calf, Dad's voice barking orders from someplace off screen. Then dad turns and gives his classic look of shrugging his shoulders while smiling and slightly rolling his eyes. I was used to that look. This was the look he always gave when someone wasn't doing something the way he had told them to do it, when in reality if it were done his way the task would be complete. I hate to admit it but alot of times I did things the hard way when perhaps I should have just done it his way.
Then the camera cuts off and when it comes back on Dad is sitting there playing the guitar. For two years Mom and I have said we wished we had a recording of Dad playing his guitar, neither of us realizing this tape existed. For two years we have called friends that were at horse shows with us hoping one of them had a tape of everyone after the show gathered around while Dad played. We had never found one.
Then all of a sudden its later in the day and it is only Dad and myself on the screen. You can hear every ones voices as they are gathered in the living room talking and deep in conversations. In the kitchen oblivious to everyone else I sit on a bar stool at the counter and Dad is standing across from me. He is playing the guitar and both of us are singing. Its obvious we don't know we are being filmed. As I watch I can't help but to start crying. After two years I had nearly forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I had this special father daughter moment on tape and it meant more to me than any gift I could have received.
Mom and I have watched all those tapes several times over the past few years; laughing at Dad at the horse shows enjoying just being able to see him. How had this tape been overlooked for so long? It was right there with the rest of them. How come I had never seen it, or even remembered seeing it's label? As strange as it may sound I think this was my Christmas present from Dad this year. And it's the greatest gift I have ever received.
Christmas isn't about gifts, or material items. The best gifts in life are free. I hope you all have a magical Christmas.
Phoebe, "Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined."
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Later that evening Hyper and I ventured out into the pouring rain to attend the Christmas party. This year we were having it at Nurse-Betty's house; another high school friend that I have always been close with but due to different life events we have drifted apart some over the past year. I arrive at the house along with Giggles and her BF a little after 7. Hyper is quickly off to greet all the guests happy to be the center of attention. Diner is served, drinks are poured, gifts our opened and then let the games begin! In attendance were: Nurse Betty and husband, Giggles and BF, Blondie and her BF, High School friend, and husband, Vivi, Vixen, and myself. We started off with a little Beer Pong ~ Team Vivi and E a force to be reckoned with.
Then thru the door walks Big, Don Juan, Guy Friend and another guy friend ~ they had been invited but everyone had doubted they would actually make an appearance. But after last night I assumed Big would show up only for the soul fact to torture me and.... well the universe is just that fair. A girl also arrives with them but it is not obvious which in the group she is with. I, always one to the bigger person, smiled and introduced myself ~ I think I was perhaps the only one to do so. Giggles, who is not much for outsiders, throws a snide remark out about this newest victim's age asking which one is robbing the cradle now. At this point none of my friends know about the conversations between Big and I the night before. Honestly I don't really tell my friends that much about the two of us. I prefer to keep it to myself (well except Vivi who reads this therefor knows all my secrets).
Hyper runs to greet the new arrivals and Big greets her with this funny voice he always talks to her in. She excitedly jumps around his feet as he bends down to pet her. Then he glances up at me, we make eye contact. He smiles. I smile. Then I quickly look away. I am embarrassed/humiliated. If this girl came with him I am slightly appalled. I know I shouldn't care but as I caught the glances that were exchanged between my friends I'll admit I felt like a fool. But I know Big and I'm no stranger to this game or how his mind works. The beer pong resumes and I must say Vivi was on fire! I sat out vowing that tonight I would go home to my on bed, and lets face it a few drinks and we all know I would have went home with him. But I meant the words I said the night before and I vowed to stand by them..... at least for the time being that is.
Nurse-Betty claims me as a partner for the next round and we are matched up against Vixen and Nurse-Betty's husband. It was a close game but of course I am the champ and my team wins. After this game I decide to sit out the rest of the night and watch from the sidelines. Imagine my surprise when Vixen and Big decide to team up together for the next round. Now Vixen will never admit but I always suspect that deep down she's not a Big fan. But I am happy to see them laughing together as the game begins.
The night goes on and we decide to head outside so that the smokers of the group can have a smoke-break (I am not one of them but follow anyway). As we head to the door Vixen has enough beer in her to be blunt and asks this new girl which of the guys she is with. I am behind them as we make our way up the stairs and try to contain my laughter from the shocked look on the girls face as she laughs and replies none of them. Vixen retorts, "Ok good," and walks off apparently happy with this answer. I shake my head and continue out the door.
I take a seat and Big comes up and takes the seat opposite me. He attempts conversation as Hyper curls up in my lap. It is still early in the night but I know its time for me to go. I gather my stuff and Hyper's many requirements. I swear it's like having a kid as I collect her bed, toys, bone, food bowl, and blanket. I make my rounds saying my good byes. I come to Big and tell him bye. "Your leaving?" He stands up, hugs me and tells me to be careful as he pets Hyper goodbye.
On the way to the car Giggles is fuming at the possibility that this girl could have been there with Big. I laugh at her telling her that its really ok and tell her simply that I told him I just wanted to be friends. She stops short, "Well why didn't you tell me that? I've been giving him the eat shit and die look all night?" She laughs and I can't help but laugh with her. As I climbed in the car I let the fake smile slide from my face. Was I really ok if he was with another girl? I had made the decision therefor I had to be.
A few months ago I would have probably been devastated. But that's the funny thing about growing up. You realize you have to be happy with yourself before you can ever begin to be happy with someone else. And right now I am happy with myself in that I will never again settle for less than I deserve. This journey has had its bumps in the road I admit but if I've learned anything I've learned I can make it on my own. I make my own fate. If Big and I are meant to be it'll be and if not that's ok cause I'm doing just fine on my own. After all I've made it this far.
Side note ~ The next day (Sunday) Vixen, Vivi, and myself ventured out to do a little Christmas shopping.
The first question I was asked was, "Where did you sleep last night?"
Confused I reply, "In my bed."
"Well we were taking bets," Vivi admits from the front seat.
"Bets?" I ask having a pretty good idea where this questioning was headed.
"Yep the guys left right after you did and we were guessing you probably stayed the night with Big," Vixen responds.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
It all started Friday....
I was at Vixen's getting ready for a night out and enjoying a mixed drink while I got ready and we waited on Vivi to arrive. We were going out for Vivi's birthday and at this point Vivi thought it was just going to be the three of us. But she was in for a surprise.... hence the reason I had avoided her calls as much as possible this week! I am a terrible, terrible liar and with my close friends I always crack under pressure! So as we left the house I was already feeling a little giggly from the rum. We arrived at the restaurant to be seen to our table where we were met by a group full of friends. Vivi acted surprised but I know she could tell we were up to something.... but she seemed to have a good time and that's all that matters!
As I sat eating diner and trying to sober up my cell phone went off. Big had been invited to come and I had talked to him before I left Vixen's and he acted like he wasn't going to make it. To my surprise he said that he was on his way and asked we wait on him at the restaurant. The night passed quickly as we finished our meals and those of us that were going out afterwards piled in cars heading south. We arrived at the club where Vixen and Vivi grabbed drinks and we headed for the dance floor. Things were going good and we were having a great time. As we danced the guys (Big and his three friends) sat on the sidelines drinking beer and probably laughing at us. Then the band changed pace as they started up a slow song. I took Big's hand, giving him little choice but to join me on the dance floor. As he took me in his arms and pulled me against him I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest. Sometimes a girl just wants you to take her in your arms and dance. I am one of those of girls. And unfortunately or fortunately Big is one of those guys. No matter where we are, at his house or at club, if a slow song comes on he will always take me in his arms and dance with me. That's one of those little things I guess I love about him. At the end of the song he dipped me then swept me off my feet in a hug before he lowered me once again to the ground.
He returned to the table while Vivi, Vixen, Girl Friend, and I continued to dance the night away.
Somewhere in the mix of this the camera was pulled out to snap some shots so Vivi could remember her "half-way-to-fifty" mark. Well I took a self portrait of myself and Vixen which was not flattering, I won't lie. So Vixen demands I delete it, which I do, but not without laughing about it first. Normally she would laugh as well but apparently post-break-up emotions plus beer equals overreacting. And in my still slightly buzzed state I was perhaps not as understanding as I should have been. I hate drama. And normally Vivi and I do a damn good job of avoiding it! We may skit around the outskirts of it at times but we are usually far from the eye of the storm. Friday night I did not fair so well as I was sucked into the midst. This and my stubbornness landed me in quite a predicament. I told Vixen if she was going to be hateful I was going to go home with Girl Friend who was with us. Vixen told me to give her the car keys. We weren't in my car. To avoid this type of situation this is always why I normally drive. But of course this has never happened before and would only happen one of the rare times I don't drive my car. So as Vixen and Vivi leave I sit on my stool fighting the urge to cry. Guy Friend (he was the one at Big's the other night I also referred to as friend if he makes more appearances I'll give him a name ~ he has been a friend for along time but is a minor character and I hate to come up with so many names and confuse everyone!), anyway, Guy Friend takes a seat beside me and asks me if Vixen and Vivi just left me. I nod my head, still kinda shocked. He asks how I'm getting home. I know realize my stupidity in that I am a good seventy miles from home. I tell him I'm going home with Girl Friend who lives about ten minutes from the club. Guy Friend tells me I can ride back with them.
To be continued...........
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I close my eyes and listen to the rain coming down harder now outside. The dark of the room envelopes us like a cocoon and I feel myself settle in as I inhale and exhale with the rise and fall of his chest. It really is a comfort zone. I don't know how else to put it. When I am with him there is no other place I'd rather be. I always feel so safe and protected from the outside world; almost as if nothing bad can happen to me. I guess it's that comfort that always sends me running back to him. After every failed relationship I gather the pieces of my heart and run to him knowing that he will wrap me in his arms and with a soft kiss on the forehead he mends my heart and eases my pain.
I lay awake for sometime thinking about the situations I seem to get myself into. I honestly have no clue what I'm doing or if I am making the right decisions. But sometimes perhaps its best to just live in the moment. I snuggled down into the covers my movement causing him to stir ever so slightly ~ just long enough for him to sigh and squeeze me, then the soft snores resumed.
This morning there were no alarm clocks sounding, no rushing to get ready, for the first time neither of us had anywhere to be and could enjoy our day off by sleeping in. We awoke early but then quickly drifted back to sleep, dozing in and out until finally the light coming thru the blinds insisted it time we get up. A glance at the clock showed it to be ten so we lay there and talked for a bit. Laughing at each other and the things we had done over the years. He told me of his most recent relationship and asked about Fire Guy. I'm not one to kiss and tell so the details I provided were few and sparse. As we lay there laughing at each other I couldn't help but realize this was perhaps why we always come back. Around him I can always be myself and don't have to try to pretend to be somebody I'm not. He turned on the TV and I lay there my head on his chest as we watched the remainder of I Am Legend. Once it was over I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed. Even though I had the day off my to do list was much to long to lay around all day.
Wouldn't it be nice if time would just stand still? What moment would you chose to be stuck in? Sometimes you just want to be with the one that can make you laugh.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The other is that apparently it is "Tis the Season for couple trouble". In that Vixen and her BF recently became no more. So this last weekend was spent helping her deal with the chaos of him moving out. As we packed his bags she brought up memories of our high school days when we used to laugh saying we would be old maids together. We figured we'd end up like the two old guys in Secondhand Lions (of course we said this before the movie but the movie helps sum it up). Basically we'd be old with only each other. As we packed the boxes Vixen stated that it was starting to become more of a reality than a joke. I reminded her we are still young and many more years ahead of us before the old maid part kicks in. But thru thick and thin at least we have each other.
Also due to Vixen's new found singledom I attended her company Christmas party with her last weekend. At my recent office parties I passed on the alcohol not wanting to make a fool of myself in front of coworkers, but apparently at other people's office parties I have no problem drinking! So yeah I had a pretty good time! Open bar = one happy E. The new strictly beer policy went out the window as I ordered a rum runner for myself and a vodka tonic for Vixen. The food was excellent, the band was wonderful, and her coworkers were a blast. So overall very festive party.
This weekend I am looking forward to taking Vivi out for her Birthday and attending another Christmas Saturday. This party is just all my friends so I know it will be a night of drinks and laughs with a little card playing and beer pong thrown in for good measure. I can't wait!!
Now for those of you who may be interested in a Big update. Well I guess somethings never change. I will refrain from bitching (I did enough of that on the other blog; ie post 1 and post 2). I'll hear from him for a few days then a few days will go by I don't, then the pattern repeats. I heard from him today and yesterday which in theory means I won't for the next few days. Personally I think he is all talk, which I should know by now, but for the mean time I will just sit back and wait to see if anything ever comes of it. Perhaps 'old enough to know better still to young to care' could be the way to sum it up. But that's the thing with Big sometimes he's full of surprises. You just never know. Guess that's why he's my favorite mistake.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
On my left hand between my thumb and index finger is a scar. Let's just say a camping trip that involves hauling crap out onto an island in the middle of a lake and a 75 pound pitbull who is scared of water is not a good combination and can result in a horrible camping trip!!! As I swam stuff to shore said dog jumps out of boat, panics, I try to push back in boat while not drowning, dogs toe nail cuts hand, leaves scar.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
As he recounted the story to her she could hear the melancholy in his voice. She longed to hug him and hold him close. His eyes had seen so many lives taken all to soon. At the same time he had also saved lives of those God was not yet ready to call home. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to rush into a burning building; the adrenaline pumping threw your body, your eyes stinging from the smoke. Or to be called to the scene of a car wreck where you try to save the lives of those within but knowing in your heart it’s to late. He was modest, rarely being one to talk about work and the calls he ran. He was a hero whether he wanted to admit it or not. An everyday hero that many people took for granite. She knew it must take a special person to do his line of work and that made him all the more special to her.
She wondered if he realized that he had saved her as well. It was not as obvious. There was no emergency call, no fire, no accident. In away he had saved her from herself. She had been unhappy for so long. So long that she forgot what it was like to really smile; not the fake smile she kept up for the world, but to really smile out of genuine happiness. He had brought her back to life. Opened her eyes again to the beautiful world around them. To some he may appear to be just your average guy, but she knew better he was hero.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Punk-Rock-Chick invited me to go snowboarding, of course I told her I was broke and didn't have the extra money.... and then the good news.... Lift tickets are normally $51 but Sunday if you brought 10 can goods to donate you got your lift ticket free. I could afford that.... hmm... but what about a board? Punk-Rock-Chick had already taken care of it and already asked a friend if I could borrow their extra board. All I had to do was say yes. And I did!!! Very excitedly!! I still needed the pants and jacket though.... So I called Vixen to see if she wanted to go and if I could borrow her extra pair. Of course she said yes. So Sunday morning at 6:30 our small group was pulling out of town to make the 2.5 hour drive north.
I have always wanted to go snowboarding and Vixen invites me every year but I've never been able to go. Once there Punk-Rock-Chicks boyfriend tried to give me some pointers and held my hands as we went down the hill together my first time. I realized quickly the best way to learn was to just get out there and do it. So we hopped on the lift and headed up. I had a blast!! It was so much fun! And apparently for a beginner I'm a pro. Everyone told me I did so good for my first time, Vixen even admitted I did better than her the first time she tried it. This made me feel good and gave me the confidence to head a little further up the mountain with them. I left that day definitely addicted and wanting to go back!
I'm very athletic and have learned over the years that you just have to be confident in yourself and your abilities. On the drive up Vixen asked if I was nervous, I honestly told her no. The way I saw it, in my mind I could already do this ~ I figured it couldn't be that much different from wakeboarding (boy was I wrong). It was different but same basic principle = balance is key! All it takes to succeed is mind over matter. If I tell myself I can do something, I do it cause there is no other option. That always works for me anyway.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
My heart hopes that this time will be different but in my mind there still lingers that trace of doubt. So I feel as if I'm sitting on a fence unsure of which way to go. Do I walk away, I mean at this point I still could. Or do I take a chance? Roll the dice and see what happens. Its I game I could lose or win. But if I walk away I will always wonder..... what if. I have kept the majority of this to myself, not wanting to tell my friends till I know for certain.
I think I am the Queen of Denial. I know better, yet I have hope. Why should this time be any different? It probably won't but I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm still leery, my guard still up. He is being nice, charming, and appearing to be sincere. Is he really though or is it my eyes only seeing what they want to see? I don't know, something just feels different this time. Maybe we've both grown up. I'm still not getting my hopes up, still waiting for that bomb to go off I guess. I never take his words for face value, nor believe them completely. How long can one live in denial? And is it really friend or foe?
Monday, December 1, 2008
As I run the brush threw my hair Lee Ann Womack's I'm Always Your Last Call, plays in my head. Cause no matter what I'm always Big's last call. So despite my better judgement I bundle up and head out in the cold to make the even shorter drive from mom's house to Big's. My house was about five minutes from his and mom's is about two. I arrive and find Don Juan, Big, Big's younger brother (who we'll call Lil Bro) and friend all gathered around in the basement hanging out. Big's brother estatic to see me runs up and picks me up in a gigantic hug. I love Lil Bro! I take a seat and become invovled in the conversation. Big scoots his chair over next to mine and places his arm around my shoulder. My fence is already very up at this point and I let the gesture go by unnoticed. After a few moments I excuse myself and go upstairs in search of something to drink. As I close the refrigerator I spin around to find Big right behind me, I had never heard him come up.
As if out of a movie he takes me in his arms and kisses me. I pull back surprised at this sudden new found affection. At my hesitation Big tells me he wants to talk. I follow him to his room where we have a seat. Normally I am a talker and all my friends can vouch for that but tonight I remained silent and allowed Big to do all the talking. After about thirty minutes he ended his little speach with a 'so maybe we should give it a go and see what happens.' I sat in stunned silence, wondering if I had heard him correctly.
"Did you hear me," he asks.
"Yes. Yes I did." I just sit there staring into his eyes looking for something that will tell me this time is different.
"Please say something....."
So I tell him my misgivings, and that maybe he is just panicing because he's about to leave for the military and wants to know he has someone to come home to. He assures me that that is not it, and as if to prove it he leans forward and kisses me again. This time I allow him to kiss me because even if for just a moment I want to believe all he has just said. Then he surprised me as we talked he quoted the Notebook (a movie I have not seen but now I feel I must). So I looked up the quote and he got it pretty word for word ~ "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."
Yes the other night I was debating weather I was a Carrie or a Charlottee but after tonight I know I am a Carrie. I am that hopeless romantic, that even though I know better I still always allow Mr. Big back into my life. I had told myself the last time was it. After another hour of heart to hearts I told him to really think about all he was saying and that I was no longer interested in hearing empty promises. We discussed how we always come back to each other and when I told him I never expected to be here with him again he seemed surprised, "You know as well as I do with us it's never really over."
In the end I told him to think about everything, even if he needs a few days, than let me know if he really does wants to give it a try between us. He is leaving in the morning with the other three at the house to go to his family's beach condo for a week. In all honesty I don't expect to hear from him during this time. In answer to his question I said ok. But then again told him to think about it and if he decided he really wants to give us a shot we'll go from there or if he realizes he said all this in a panic of being alone that that was ok to and we would remain friends. As I rose to leave he caught my arm asking me to stay the night. I knew better though and despite the fact I would have loved nothing more than to stay I returned home.
I guess you could say I'm a little shocked. All those months ago I had longed to hear those words and know that I've heard them I worry they may not be real. Like always only time will tell. But like Carrie I'm afraid for better or worse Big will always play a part in the story that is my life.
~ Carrie to Mr. Big, SATC ~
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I love the holiday season; the sparkling lights, decorated trees, and just the overall feeling in the air. I remember as a kid I used to always have a list of things I wanted for Christmas. As I get older I find that I want less and less and instead enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them. Sigh guess that's a sign of growing up. I love picking out gifts for my friends especially. It's always exciting to watch my friends open them all the while knowing I got them something they are going to love.
Winter has set in. The shirts and sandals have been packed away, my closet now overflowing with sweaters and warm winter jackets. Despite my low cash flow I am in dire need of three things, ok maybe need is a strong word. They are really more wants I guess than needs.
1. It is time for a new purse. Purse's are my thing I guess ~ some women buy shoes, I buy purses. I am going thru with drawls not being able to even recall when I bought my last purse. So it's safe to say it has probably been at least six months ago.
2. Brown heals. Why do I not already have a pair? Maybe because I don't wear heals that much (though I seem to have a gazillion black pairs). But I have several cute outfits that could really use a cute pair of brown heals to spice it up!
3. A black/gray jacket. I have several brown jackets, in different color variations and styles but not a jacket to go with anything black.
I'm starting to see a trend.... do I have any complete outfits?
And I know I said three things and those are my three things. For good measure though I would like to toss in a quick forth which would definitely be a want and not a need. My other week spot is camera's. I love to click away! I always carry a small digital camera in my purse, you know just in case. Well my poor Olympus has lived a long, hard life. I'm afraid after an unfortunate evening of being left outside (in it's case) on the porch railing, where it was knocked off where it sat till the next morning where I found it nestled in the wet dew grass. Yeah it's just really not been the same since. Due to this tragic evening I'm sure the camera gods do not see me as deserving of this Nikon Coolpix S60 but if I had the money it would definitely be on my shopping list! Thanks to Ashton's captivating commercials the Nikon Coolpix S60 has made itself number four on my want list! With it's smooth touchscreen and different color choices it just screams that it really wants to come home with me. But alas my empty wallet knows there are other things my hard earned money needs to go toward. In the meantime however I will drool over it and try to put back some money when I can with hopes of one day purchasing one.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
So last night Hyper ran around the apartment enjoying having so many people to give her attention and I enjoyed hanging out with this laid back group of friends. All of my friends are so different, I think that is why I love them so much.
Anyway last night when I got home I crawled into bed and switched on the TV and of course Sex and the City is on TBS so I flip to it and settle in. I have always thought myself to be more of a Carrie; in that I'm the writer of my group, I'm a talker, like Carrie I am curious, also the only thing I've ever really made in the kitchen is a mess! I mean I've taken the quiz and I'm Carrie:
"You’re the star of the show! You’re vivacious and lively, confident in your own taste, and you know what you want (well, usually). That said, you’re not without your insecurities, and you can be a tad selfish sometimes. You’re ambitious, but you still want to find a good balance between work and life. You would like to have a long-term partner, but you realise that relationships take a lot of work." (take the quiz see who you are!)
But as I watched last night I started realizing maybe I'm a bit Charlotte as well. I had always compared my relationship with X to that of Aiden. In reality he may have been a Trey, well with out the bedroom problems. Ok well the more I think about it X is nothing like Trey except for Bunny. That was my ex mother-in-law and X was a total mommas boy. Which can be a sweet, endearing thing. Or an annoying thing that keeps him from ever growing up. Either way I've added this to my checklist of what I don't want in a future guy ~ no mommas boys (but he should have a good relationship with her and respect her ~ so maybe this rule's flexible).
Friday, November 28, 2008
Unlike many others I am not out fighting the crowds today in search of deals, I am instead behind my desk trying to earn money for the upcoming holidays. And for lack of things to do I have caught up on my favorite blogs and browsed online sales. Not to say I have goofed off all day. I have worked hard.... well ok I've worked. I can't help it I'm good at my job and stay on top of things therefor getting them done in a timely matter leaving me with spare time on my hands. Thank you!
This year my Christmas list is rather short. Because a) I have no money, b) all my friends are broke to, and c) spending time together is more important than presents. My friends and I have decided instead of doing gifts we are going to have a Christmas party and just enjoy each others company. That being said there are a few I'm going to try and get small things for. Frugal Santa I guess :) I mean I am on a very tight budget with all the cut backs at work. But there are many things I can do I know they will enjoy yet will not cost a fortune. And as last year for family and family friends I plan on doing baked goods (always a treat ~ I can't cook but I can bake) and I have already received several requests from people making sure they were on my candy/cookie/goody list. Last year I hit the after Christmas sales buying tins to use this year. So all I have to do now is find the time to do the baking. :)
One holiday gift idea I would like to suggest is a Shutterfly photo book. I have made several of these on this site and they always turn out wonderful! This year I plan on making one for my grandparents. I mean there is absolutely nothing that they need or really want. But I have taken many snapshots over the year at family get togethers and this will be a perfect way to share those with them. If you have never made one, they are fun and easy to make! Also right now they are offering 30% percent off on books and if you search Google you may be able to find other discount offers.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
So after a long car ride I arrived at my grandparents. I love the warm, cozy feeling that comes over you as you walk thru the door. It's true there is no place like Grandma's. The aroma's coming from the kitchen are overwhelming and your mouth starts to water just at the thought of all that good food. I was not disappointed the food was wonderful as always. And my loving Grandma knows how much I love cornbread-dressing and as always she has made me a small pan separate to take home. Yes my heart may very well be in my stomach.
Another part I love about Thanksgiving is sitting around with my family listening to stories of the "old" days. Stories of my grandparents and parents as kids, and some of even myself. In the absence of my father we always seem to tell stories about him. Just our way of remembering him. It's always nice I love these conversations. As I have grown up I have come to appreciate and enjoy this family time so much more! It's funny how as we grow up our whole idea of what is important changes.
"In the year 1621, the Pilgrims held their first Thanksgiving feast. They invited the great Indian chief Massasoit, who brought ninety of his brave Indians and a great abundance of food. Governor William Bradford and Captain Miles Standish were honored guests. Elder William Brewster, who was a minister, said a prayer that went something like this: 'We thank God for our homes and our food and our safety in a new land. We thank God for the opportunity to create a new world for freedom and justice."
~ Linus, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving ~