Saturday, August 30, 2008
Why at times are we so stupid? Why when we know better do we still care? And why do friends tend to want to tell you the truth when they know you can't handle it? And when you tell them your cool do they get mad at you? Life is full of so many unanswered questions. When do the questions end and the answers start coming? I know Big and I will never end with happy ever after but can I not live in the present and be happy without everyone judging me for it? I don't judge them and the choices they make so why am I now on trial? I love him. There I said it. I can't help it. I always have and probably always will. Is that wrong? Yes, perhaps. I know she is just looking out for me but its my life to live. My mistakes to make. I know this is a mistake I continue to make and not learn from but that's my choice. Right? I know she just wants whats best for me but.........
Friday, August 29, 2008
Maybe I'm in such a good mood that nothing will bring me down... so I go to pick up lunch today and I have the sudden urge to talk to Big. I quickly push this feeling aside, refusing to make contact with him. I sit at the drive-thru waiting on my lunch (which I might add here was not good) and that little voice once again persists that I send Big a text. I'm in such a good mood I think what the hell and dig my phone out of my purse. I sent a quick 'hope your having a good day' text and instantly feel glad I sent it. Why? Not sure just one of those weird vibes. I didn't expect him to reply, but Big, always being full of surprises, did. This time my heart didn't flutter as it usually does and I didn't feel those butterflies in my stomach that so often go along with contact from him. Maybe I really am letting go....... I know you just told yourself 'yeah right'. And I know your right I mean after all it's Big. Can one really ever let their version of Big go? Even when we think we have, we are only fooling ourselves. He's like a scar that will never truly fade. And you know I think I'm ok with that. I just have to stop making him something that he's not and probably never will be. I need to see him for who he is not the person I want him to be.
I could not have said it better myself. So here I am, without a man, and finding myself once again. And you know what? It's a great thing! I can honestly say that I'm happy. I mean I have my highs and lows but overall I'm doing ok and I know I'm going to make it.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
So he replied! And the conversation has continued on through several messages. But good news I guess ~ he has invited me to go kayaking sometime. Which is something I have never tried, but hey I'll try about anything at least once. No definite date set or anything. But it brings a smile to my face none the less.
Sometimes in life you have to take chances. Throw the "what if's" to the side and just go for it. The results can be good or sometimes bad, but at least you'll never wonder what if. Life's to short to be anything but happy. I'm learning that more and more everyday. Will Fire Guy turn into my first date as a newly single girl? Not sure yet. Perhaps. And perhaps not.
Ok just got a message asking when I want to go so I gave him my number. So we will see. Maybe today luck is on my side....
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
So works busy. Went to lunch with Blondie and Giggles. It was nice to get out of the office for a bit. We were going to have drinks, but to many witnesses were around to be drinking with lunch..... maybe another day. After lunch I checked myspace and was informed I had one new message. And there in my inbox was a message from an old friend. The message held one lone sentence, "I miss you." It was as if the world around me stopped and all the chaos ceased as I sat in my bubble and stared at the computer screen and those three, lone words.
Instantly it brought a smile to my face - it's nice to know someone is thinking about you. But then I started reflecting on the different journeys life takes us on. How is that someone goes from being a close friend to an old friend? And it seems that this can happen so quickly you may never even realize that it has happened. For a moment I became nostalgic and thought back on many fond memories. But my trip down memory lane was cut short and I was forced to come back to the present. To much to do today, that road trip will have to be left for another day.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Now back to being roomies with Don Juan. It has it's pros and cons. Location would be a big pro. But I've seen this boys idea of housekeeping and let me tell ya it's a far cry from my own. It's not time to cross this bridge just yet so I'll leave these thoughts for another day.
Today I also created a who's who page if your having trouble keeping all the characters straight. The link is to the right or http://sites.google.com/site/lifeofasinglegirl/Home/whos-who
Hope that helps!
Monday, August 25, 2008
So I head over hoping Big will not be there but I prepare myself in case he is. I haven't spoken to him in over a week so I'm a little nervous. I pull in the driveway and there is his truck. And Don Juan's car. And now brace yourself..... another vehicle. Crap. I had not prepared myself for the possible "worst case scenario" - what if he has another girl here?
I enter the house and Don Juan is sitting on the couch waiting for me. Big's door is closed and I can hear the noise of a football game coming from within. I keep my cool and head for the comfy chair. Yes, you know what I'm talking about that big overstuffed chair that every bachelor guy's-guy has. The one that is so comfortable when you sit down it feels as if it wraps it's arms around you. I quickly claim it and we start discussing which movie to watch. Then out comes Big. He says hi and is all friendly. Asking the "how are you", "what have you been up to", generic questions. I answer all the while thinking, "if you'd reply to your text messages you'd effing know." But alas I bit my tongue. By this time my mind has started to work and I realize no one else is here (I admit I felt a little relieved) and that the vehicle in question belonged to Don Juan's mom if I remember correctly...... so anyway Big is nice. I'm nice.
Then our other friend RC shows up. Now RC is a cutie and funny as hell but way to young! I think he is early twenties.... anyway so Big returns to his football game and Don Juan, RC and myself watch Fools Gold. I had fun hanging with the guys. Then as I start to leave I debate on weather I should tell Big bye or not and decide that I should. So I go to his door, I don't knock but open the door - he's laying on the bed watching a boxing match. I tell him bye and that I'm going home. He replies, "your leaving?"........................ did you just ask yourself what the hell?! Yeah I did to.............. So I answer yes and he says, "well come give me a hug."
I do and close his door again feeling utterly confused. I hug Don Juan and RC bye and RC so young but at times so thoughtful tells me it's raining and to be careful driving home.
Now to make the night more interesting I forgot to mention X called Don Juan to ask if Big was going to go with him Monday to take the military test. Great just great. I don't know the answer. Did they go together today or not? Don't know. If they did I feel as if there is a big pink elephant in the car. Riding in the backseat. You know it's there but you don't want to acknowledge the fact it's there. And I hope that my name DOES NOT come up!! But what else do they have in common really? So I'm sweating that a little today. And I know this new 'friendship' is why Big has backed off. Just wish he had the guts (or balls) to tell me. And trust me if they go together that pink elephant will have to have had a few drinks to survive that trip! lol
So back to last night. I go home and on the way I sent Big a text asking what's up. It was nice, yet to the point. Did he reply? No and I knew he wouldn't but I felt better for having spoken my mind. I'm not upset. Why? Because with Big I just know deep down that it's never really over. For better or worse he'll always be there if I really need him. Still not sure if that is a good thing...... and once home I got a nice text from RC asking if I made if home okay. It wasn't from the person I wanted it to be from but it was nice to know that RC, no matter how young he is, can be a gentleman at times. The world needs more nice guys.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Last night was the office cookout I wrote about a few weeks ago, and no I didn't ask Big. After getting the invitation I decided to hold off a few weeks on asking him, and after finding out it was not only an office party but a who's-who-of-a-small-town-party I decided it best I go solo. Or better yet take Blondie. So that is what I did. We arrived around 5:30 and mingled a bit. Us and two other friends being about the youngest ones there. So here's how the night broke down:
- Me and Blondie were the only ones not drinking (didn't think it wise to get drunk at 1st office party)
- Got hit on by an old guy, who no one seemed to know who he was
- Smiled as introduced to people who I will never remember their names
- When in doubt smile and nod
- Took part in pointless conversation
Then in walked a cute guy about our age, the night started looking up - Fire Guy. At seeing me and Blondie he smiled and came over to say hi. --- Maybe I should mention here that he was not a random stranger and that we do know him ---- He was nice, charming, and I quickly considered him as potential first date material. We talked awhile and then I walked away hoping that I was having the leave-them-wanting-more affect. From here I visited a little longer with our two friends at the party, shook some more hands, and of course more smiles and nods. Then it was time to go. Blondie and I said our good byes. And come to find out Fire Guy's dad knows my mom and tells me I look just like her -Which I get all the time and I do take it as a compliment. Fire Guy smiles and we tell him goodbye. For some reason just having a good conversation with a guy cheered me up. Gave me hope, perhaps. Good guys are out there. They do exist and one day I'll find the right one for me.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Now if only they'd have pulled over and gave me free beer. Me and my girls can always go for some Miller time.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Mind you X knows of my past with Big, not my current but my past. We have all hung out in groups before and even though the two have never been friends per say they were acquaintances. I had heard from a friend of a friend that the two may have attended the same party this past weekend. But I wasn't concerned.
They cannot become all buddy buddy! I mean really! This cannot be good.
Sorry I was just caught a little off guard. I mean really. How would you react? Well as you can see I panicked. And then it was as if a lightbulb had gone off in my head. No wonder I have not heard from Big. X has been nice to him and now he feels guilty. At least that's what I'll tell myself. Might as well make myself feel better. Right? Right. Interesting to say the least.
I felt I needed to add a SATC quote that made this more relevant.....
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
So let me introduce you to my animal kingdom. It started out this spring with a bird's nest. Which was all nice and good. Three babies hatched, I watched them grow and then one day they left the nest never to return. But it was time. I had watched them grow, their first attempts to fly (in which one flew straight into the side of the house), and now they were big enough to be on their on.
Then there's Herby. Who is a lizard that likes to hang out on the back porch with me in the evenings. Yep I named the lizard. Before getting Hyper this was the only pet I had. And every evening he would come and sit on the rail as I sat at the table on the porch and enjoyed the evening. I thought Herby was a he but I came home one evening to see Herby with another lizard and we'll say after that encounter I determined that he was perhaps a she. And now I believe I have baby lizards running around.....
Then on a hanging basket a spider had a built a web, and one day in this web appeared many, many little dots. You guessed it Charlotte's web was now a nursery (notice everyone seems to be reproducing but me?). And no I could not kill the spiders. I let them be and watched as they to grew up and left the web.
Now on to the saving part: A few months back I was feeding horses and Onyx, on of our big stallions, was jumping around and having a fit. Everyone gets excited at feeding time so I told him to hold on it was almost his turn. He snorted and jumped throwing himself against the front wall of his stall. This caught my attention because he's never that impatient. As he huffs and puffs I open his stall door. By this time he has himself as close to the front wall of his stall as he can get. "What is wrong with you?" I asked watching this huge horse cower in fear. Then out the corner of my eye I saw a slight movement, to witch Onyx snorted again. In the back of the stall was a baby bird hoping around on the ground trying to fly to the window above. Every time he would hit the wall and fall back down. So my elephant seemed to be afraid of mice. At this point I noticed Scooter (the barn cat) standing behind me eyeing what he hoped to be his next victim.
I shooed him away and pulled my gloves out of my back pocket. I spoke soothingly to Onyx and made my way slowly toward the baby bird. It took a minute but I did catch him. I held him up the window and he flew away. Onyx was relived to have his stall once again to himself and Scooter was mad at me for running his potential hunt. Me? I felt like I had done my good deed of the day.
So then a few weeks later I'm sitting on the back porch with Hyper (my new Jack Russel Terror puppy) when I see a movement at the top of the driveway, a tiny gray blur that darts into the woods. Not far behind is the neighbors calico cat who pauses for a moment looking for the gray blur. I realize it's a baby rabbit. Yep I'm a softy. I walked off the porch and as soon as I made it in the driveway the baby rabbit came running straight to me. This caught me a little by surprise. The rabbit to the grass about foot from my feet and stopped, breathing heavily from what I took had been a long chase. The cat sat at the top of the driveway eyeing me. Poor little rabbit looked scared to death as it laid down in the grass still trying to catch its breath. Apparently it was not afraid of me at all. By this time Hyper (who is afraid to walk down stairs) starts barking at me from the porch. She seems aggravated she was not allowed to be part of the excitement. At her barking the cat turns and walks away. The rabbit sits a moment longer, looks around, and then scurries off into the woods.
So as you can see I'm a softy. And I seem to be on a roll this year with saving wildlife. But I believe what goes around comes around so hopefully I'm just paying it forward.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
So maybe it's time to let go of Big as well. Yeah I know I say that now but you know as well as I do if he calls I'll jump thru whatever hoops he's holding up. Perhaps I'm becoming a well trained poodle? Anyway with a shake of my head I'll clear those thoughts. You know what I'm alright and I'm moving on. If Big calls he calls if not it's his loss. This poodle's done.
And funny enough after writing this post I went to msn.com to check my Tarot card reading for the day I thought I had to share it because it does reflect my mood....
August 19, 2008
Tarot reading for e:
Touchstone: The Star
As far as your romantic life is concerned, thanks to the Star and Strength you feel almost like a carefree youngster. You have a bright smile on your face, and you radiate confidence. And you have good reason, E, today Luck is definitely on your side! But that does not mean that you should open your door wide for everyone! Be careful not to confuse confidence and naivety. In the professional domain, you are able to resolve conflicts easily and to get around any difficulties with diplomacy and goodwill. Temperance and the Star indicate that your serenity and your confidence make you into someone who takes on a natural leadership position and who acts as a conciliator. You have a great gift motivating others in such a way that each of them contributes in their own way.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Part of me longs to have my old life back ~ the glossy image that remains in my mind, you know the one that seems perfect because you painted it yourself and left out all the flaws, yeah that one. The one in which I had someone to come home to every night. Someone that you knew loved you unconditionally. Maybe he wasn't perfect but I did know that X always loved me. And what did I do? I feel as if I just threw that love away and said it wasn't enough. The painful part was I did tell him that. I told him it just wasn't enough anymore. At that moment I think he would have rather me run his truck off a cliff then say those words. But the words were out and I couldn't take them back. Now as I go home every night to an empty house I ask myself - should love have been enough? I mean how many people would love to have what I had. I mean it wasn't always perfect but then again nothing ever is. Is it? Is there really such thing as a perfect relationship? Or is that a myth? An urban legend like the loch-ness monster and big foot? Yet someone claims to have found Big Foot in the North Georgia mountains so maybe it's not all a myth. Maybe a perfect relationship does exist. As I write the words even I know they are not true. Just something we tell ourselves. Just like I tell myself everyday I am better off without X. But I'm not sure I really believe myself.
I feel as if I have failed myself. Not the 25 year old me but the 10 year old little girl within that had so many big dreams and plans. I have let her down in that I have fulfilled none of those dreams and plans she had. I know I'm still young and I still have time. But at this point in my life I'm really ready to be settled. I want the husband, the house (my house), the family, the job I enjoy. Not to be selfish, but I want it all. And I was on the path to having 2 out of 4 with the 3rd option a possibility in the next few years. But now I'm starting over. Is it worth it? Did I make the right decision? When will things get easier? Will I look back at this point in my life one day with regret? Or with relief because something better is out there? So many questions and no answers. Only time tell. I take the cards life has dealt me and I lay them down on the table in front of me. I'm leaving this game up to fate and God only they know what is in store for me. Hopefully it's a game I'll win.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Interesting question. Makes you think doesn't it? Makes you stop and think about those ghosts in the closet. Do we ever really give them up? Apparently I do not. I have dated more than my share of guys but only three that I would label with the term 'relationship'. Is that sad? On second thought to answer that question - no, not considering I dated one of those for over 7 years.
Anyway yes, I guess I have been haunted by relationships past. Like for years I always felt bad about my first, what I would call real, relationship. I will call him PL because he was my first puppy love. PL was a great guy. Sweet, charming, and worshiped the ground I walked on. I mean really at 16 what more could a girl have wanted? Did I mention he was cute? Well he was cute, hell I woulda considered him outta my league but yet he was mine for over a year. And then I broke his heart. I always felt bad about that. This ghost haunted me up until Halloween when I was 21 (?) maybe 22 (?). Don't remember how old I was but I do know I was old enough to drink cause I was in a bar and to intoxicated to drive. PL was there and he had also had to much to drink but our mutual friend (his driver) had not and they offered to give me a ride home as well. Anyway long story short we stopped at the gas station and while friend was out of the truck PL tried to kiss me. I was drunk but not that drunk and I was in dire need to get things off my chest. I had felt bad for so long about the way I had treated him. So I delivered my drunken apology. He listened and then thanked me and told me it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to him. Did I let him kiss me? No, some roads do not need to be traveled back down ~ definitely no drinking and driving, so to speak. But I did let him hug me good night and walk me to the door. I still see PL from time to time but now I talk to him with no regrets about the past. With that apology I was free. But his ghost has always been with me reminding me to think before I jump.
And the ghost of Big.... well.... we can see he is still haunting me. And X I'd say will also haunt me for years to come. But maybe that's a good thing. I think the ghost is there as a reminder and helps you to become a better person within a relationship. So I think I will be forever haunted by those ghost but after contemplating it I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.....
Saturday, August 16, 2008
The night slipped away all to soon and we hugged bartender, bid our goodbyes and made our way to the next bar. I was feeling my liquor at this point and felt as if I were trying to drown away my sorrows and if that were the case I was doing a damn good job of it. We entered the bar all buzzed enough to walk and act like we owned the place. Which I should point out is normal for us. If you act confident people will believe you are, even if you are from it.
All of a sudden I saw a blast from my past a girl who at one time Vixen and myself had been close to - Eclipse. We had not seen Eclipse in years! We embraced and laughed as we caught up. It was great to see her! Then she asked, "So are you and Big married yet?" My jaw drops as Vixen snickers under her breath. I finally choke out a reply, "No but I do still talk to him occasionally." Vixen shoots me a look like 'is that all' to which I ignore. "Huh," Eclipse states, "I always thought you two'd end up together." I quickly change the subject at this point still in a druken shock by the question. We laugh and talk about the old days and fun times we had with Big and Don Juan.
The night dwindles by and it's time to go home. Blondie and I, for lack of a more accurate word, fall into the backseat of the Firebird and Vixen claims shotgun and Vivi (who is not drunk ~ we don't drink and drive) climbs behind the wheel. The ride home went by in a blur of laughter and I'm sure Vivi was ready to kick us out of the car. But she was patient and we arrived home safetly where more drinks were poured and the cards were delt. We always like a good game of cards.
Friday, August 15, 2008
"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."
I'm just torn I look forward to new beginnings but I look at the door I'm closing behind me with some sorrow. It is like a piece of me is dying and I know I will never get it back. I feel foolish even writing this when I talk about Big as well. Yes, let me just go ahead and state I'm crazy. But last night I was watching Sex and the City (I've really been on a kick lately) before going to bed and it's on the part now with Aidan. He's a great guy and you can't help but love him and you know even though you want him to be he's not the one for Carrie. X was my Aidan. And in the episode that was on last night Carrie tells Big she is going to marry Aidan and Big tells her that Aidan is not the man for her. As I sat and watched this it was like Deja Vu because I had had this same conversation with my own Mr. Big at one point in time. Once before the wedding and once during the divorce. He told me he was surprised I ever married X cause everyone knew he wasn't the one for me. I wanted to ask who everyone was and where the hell were they before the wedding. But I bit my tongue. He had tried to warn me but I refused to listen. Just like Carrie, Big had burned me in the past and I wasn't really wanting his advice. I felt like he didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. Years later I have to laugh at the irony and the course my life has taken along with the recent turn of events.
Well I think this is enough about me today. After reflecting I feel better. Not as down and out. Yep writing is really free therapy. So here's to a fun weekend ahead maybe I will have more upbeat news Monday. :)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
So during the day while Vivi and myself are at work we tend to text or email back and forth during downtime. I thought today's email would be a good post for today. I thought it was good for a laugh. Of course names have been changed :)
Texting is not working for me today so I thought I'd just e-mail ya.
He should have at least said something back last night. They are so freaking confusing! He had no right just to leave it hanging. (Can you tell I'm fixing to let my frustration out on him?) He should know that by doing that he is going to make it harder for you to ever trust him in the future... friends or more.
Now, as for why he didn't reply? It was rather lateish whenever you sent it. He could have went to sleep, been playing some sort of game or something. You know me, I always try to think the best. Sometimes that's hard though. Now, do you think I pushed too hard? WHY IS HE NOT REPLYING? It was sooo innocent too. Oh well, I just don't want to loose the friendship too. I mean, come on now. I'm NOT CRAZY. lol
So yeah, back to tourism and pr.
My Response in which Vivi replied under each number in green
1.Big - I agree he should have replied (today is day 1 of freeze out - see blog lol) but it wasn't that late it was only 10 last week when he sent me a message it was like 11. Next time we are alone I'm going to say something along the lines of benefits are great - the friends part needs some work - and this isn't a one way street. I mean if he wouldn't have replied the 1st time that would be one thing but why reply to one and not the next? Just pisses me off!!
Freeze you aye? Well good luck with that one. I know you better than that and I know him. I bet you get a message tomorrow night when we are doing girls night or something. Yep, leave it up to them to screw things up.
2.Don Juan ~ another pain in my ass! lol yes your text was innocent and he should have replied. He may have been busy at work. I think if you haven't talked to him by next week you need to send a msg saying you don't want to be like Clingy Chick and you don't want things to be weird and that you can still be friends without him freaking out that your trying to tie him down.
LOL, another pain? tell me about it. I just don't get it. Earlier in times when he wanted to do stuff he was all about it. Now when I send stuff--whatever. I will leave him alone and I will never bring up that I know how he felt about her but eventually I might have to stay that I want the friendship to keep going. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with him and some other girl on the weekends but we should still be able to be friends. Also, this is my weekend! LOL I feel like this is a custody thing. hahah not really, but two weeks? Come on now!
3. Blog - you started it ~ write on it! lol I can't keep up 2 on my own and if our lives don't get more interesting soon I'm going to have to start making up stuff! lol
I will but honey I just don't have time! I can't do it at work and when I get off I've been busy this week. Tonight is lions and merchants and packing... but I will try to come up with something interesting... even though my life is defiantly not interesting at this point.
4.Have a good day
You too! I'm going to have lunch with someone from ______ Power in a few.
5. Another quote that made me laugh:
Miranda: Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned that you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's... she's like an international party girl.
Miranda: She's a hooker with a passport.
GREAT quote.. love that one. It is very true!!!
..........................nothing................................ no reply...........................................................................
I send our trademark line for when the other doesn't reply, "?" a simple question mark....... I wait.................................. and nothing. No reply. No yes, no no just no reply.
Well that kinda got under my skin a little so today is Day 1 of what I will call Freeze Out. I will not text him or make contact with him in anyway until he contacts me first. Childish perhaps, yeah, but sometimes it works. As my childhood friend Babbles would say "you got to make him miss you". It did work once in the past few months; he made it only a week. So we'll see.
I remind myself I don't need him in my life right now but I want him in my life. And these can be and are two very different things. So here's to Day 1 ~ may I be strong enough to take a stand!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Even though it's only Wednesday I pray it's raining Sunday where I can hide under the covers all afternoon and hopefully have someone to hide with me. Chances are slim to none but one can always hope.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
"That son of a b**ch," Blondie exclaims. Now I should perhaps explain that the three of us have been testing the waters and each have a 'friend with benefits' thing going on. This is a new experience for all of us. Blondie then explains that she just found out her 'friend', who we will call Electric, went out on a date with his ex-girlfriend. Blondie gets pretty upset seeing that she stayed the night with him only two nights before.
As we once again ride in silence I start thinking about my own situation and how it may be time to get while the gettings good. So far I have done pretty well in keeping my feelings in check but I'm afraid the longer it goes on the more impossible that may be to do. I mean with this type of relationship there are no rules. Big can talk to whomever he wants and so can I. The only agreement we have is that we are not coloring with any one else (if you do not know what coloring is watch the Sex and the City movie). Our relationship is about the moment and could end abruptly at any time if either one of us decides to start dating someone. Am I prepared for that?
Friday, August 8, 2008
The plan: to go watch one of our favorite up and coming bands at a local bar.
The cog in the wheel: Twin was running late (damn GPS).
The result: We arrived at the bar to be told that the show was sold out.
But do we take no for answer? Hell no. We walk around the corner to the restaurant that is on the backside of the bar. We enter and head for the bar to have a drink while we attempt to form a new game plan. Vivi gets on the phone trying to pull strings to get us in. But to no avail, everyone from her previous radio days either knows no one at the bar or is out of reach. Then as we sit at the bar pondering what to do next Vixen's phone starts ringing. With a flip of her hair she opens the small phone. It is a "friend" (I use the term loosely here) from home who is already at the concert and quite toasty from the sound of it. She promises Vixen that she can get us in. I admit I was a little skeptical, and if you met this girl you would be to! So Vixen leaves us and heads back outside only to return saying she was able to buy 3 armbands.
Now you do the math. There are 5 of us and 3 armbands..... hhhhmmmmm. Another cog in the wheel? Not a chance. See we've been to this place before and we know there is a hallway that connects the restaurant we are in to the bar behind that we want to be in. So we form a new plan. What are we on plan C now?
So Twin, Vixen and Blondie head back out to the street and walk around the block to enter the bar thru the main entrance. Meanwhile Vivi and myself head to the back corner and sit in chairs around a pool table as we wait for one of them to emerge from the hallway. And no this was not just as easy as us walking in. This place isn't stupid they did have two guards in the hallway checking armbands. So our own style of mission impossible is about to go down.
After a few minutes Vixen emerges from the hallway eyes us but keeps walking. She goes to the restaurant bar and orders a drink, she eyes the guards over her shoulder. Once she has her drink she makes her way to us and pulls two bracelets out of her pocket. Vivi slides hers over her wrist with no problem. Me on the other hand can not get the bracelet on! I have very small wrists but it was not working! So after some pulling and tugging it finally slides on.
Vixen said the guard had looked at her suspiciously before so we decided to walk in separate. Vivi and I headed down the hallway. I held my head up trying to look confident, but lets face I just knew we were going to get busted. Mind you I have never snuck into a bar before and I am probably one of the worst liars of all time. So as we approach the guards Vivi flashes her wrist and keeps walking never pausing or hesitating. I follow her lead and just when I think we are home free the guard calls at me to wait. Shit. I turn and he asks me to come over. I glance around checking to see where Vivi is but she is gone. Great. I walk over to the guard and he grabs my wrist.
"Just slide this thing on?"
Shit I'm busted. But I pull on my best poker face and look him in the, "No." I try to give that surprised and insulted look at the same time.
He slides the bracelet on my arm and as tight as it was seemed satisfied that it would not easily slip on and off. "Let me see your ID."
Ok I've been standing here to long now and I'm feeling a little nervous. I reach in my purse and retrieve my ID and hand it over. He looks at it and looks at me. I smile. I mean what else do you do? As he goes to hand it back to me, I think I am home free. But in one swift motion his other hand comes up and tears my bracelet off.
My mouth drops open in shock. Mother Trucker I'm busted. "What are you doing?!" I ask starting to lose my cool.
He grins at me as he grabs another bracelet from the other guard. "You got it on the wrong arm," he laughs as he reaches for my other wrist and wraps the new bracelet around it.
Whew! "Thanks!" I flash a smile as I walk off. Close but mission completed!
End result: Band was great even though we only got to see about half the show. Years from now I probably won't remember the show, but I will always remember our mission impossible ;)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
But I am counting down till 4. Tonight holds the promise of being a fun night! When I get off work I'm going home to let my 10 week old Jack Russell Terror puppy, who we will call Hyper, outside. Then getting ready for a night out. Two of my favorite girls Vixen and Blondie are meeting me at the house and we are loading up the fucus (our term for focus) and heading north to meet up with Vivi. Then we are going to a local hot spot to listen to one of our favorite local bands. Should be fun, perhaps trouble cause the four of us together can always find some trouble/fun to get in. Our motto is: Be good or be good at it.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I met him when I was 17 and a senior in High School. He was a cute green eyed boy that caught my eye and I knew from the moment I saw him that I had to have him plain and simple. We dated thru the remainder of High School and into College. Over the years there were several signs that perhaps he was not the one for me but I ignored those signs and continued down the familiar beaten path. I dated him all the way thru college and I guess we had been dating about 3 years when he proposed. We were then engaged 1 month shy of 3 more years when we got married. The wedding was simple yet beautiful and was what I wanted down to a T. Another sign should have been I spent the entire day with my girls and only a short time with him. But again I will chalk that up to being young, dumb, and blinded by the wedding day sparkles.
A month before the wedding we purchased our first house. Even though we had dated over 6 years we had never lived together and due to my Southern value roots I did not think it was appropriate. Looking back now I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd have lived with him first. So life was changing quickly. We married and moved into the new house and started our lives together. X had always liked to drink but it had always seemed to be a social thing. Another big red warning flag should have been he had never lived on his own. So with the new freedom he seemed to be drinking everyday.
Now I don't want to talk bad about X because he really is a nice guy. I will just state the problem got to be more than I could handle and when I could no longer help him I realized I had to help myself. After an argument I came home and he had moved all his stuff out of the house. If that had never happened we may still be together because I would never have realized that I can make it on my own.
He was gone a week and wanted to come back home. But it was to late; to me he was gone forever. This may sound harsh and at times it has been hard to deal with but I know in my heart it is for the best. X has said he has stopped drinking and wanted to give it a second chance. Which I strongly considered. I mean its hard to throw away 8 years of your life. But he hasn't changed he's still that cute boy I met in High School. The one that at one time I was blinded to his faults but now I see the selfishness in his ways. Maybe one day he will grow up to become a man. But I don't expect that day to come anytime soon.
So the papers were filed and I am now again single and starting over..... So here's to new beginnings.
I'll be honest my heart stopped as I replied and waited for a response. Then the next thing I knew I was heading out the door in my pajamas to make the 3 mile drive from my house to his. And yes I did say 3 miles which makes late night rendezvous almost to convenient and hard to say no to. So I arrive at the house he shares with his roommate/bestfriend who we will call Don Juan, and the door is unlocked so I quietly let myself in. All the lights are off in the main room but this isn't my first rodeo and like always I head to his closed bedroom door. I ease it open and he looks up as I come thru the door. He is laying in bed watching Ali, an ultimate guy movie. I sit down on the bed next to him and silently sit there watching the TV unsure of what to do. Usually when we are at this point one or both of us has had a few drinks and it seems it is easier to perhaps go with the flow.
He reaches up for me, wraps his arms around me and pulls me down next to him while quietly saying, "Come here." I lay there - his arm around me, my head on his chest. We lay in silence laughing occasionally at the movie or making small talk about events before us on screen. He knows his facts when it comes to history and sports so I listen and try to participate to the best of my knowledge.
Then the movie is forgotten about as he leans down and kisses the top of my head and asks about my day. I feel as if I am under a love spell. One I need to break free from but lack the strength or desire to do so. I question if I should stay the night or leave when the movie is over. But when he asks me what time I have to get up for work I know the answer to the question.
Like every other time I am with him I lay there in the dark, his arms around me and the still night air filled with his soft snores, I question will this be last time I am here? Over time it has become less exciting and more routine. I'm getting in to deep, I feel myself starting to let emotions become involved. It is time to swim back to shore... but the problem is I'm swimming in circles in the darkness of night with no moon to guide me to shore.
Morning seems to come all to soon, just like always, as first his alarm goes off and then mine. We lay there a few moments neither wanting to move. But it is a new day and I can't be late to work. So I hug him goodbye, give him a quick kiss on the cheek then I am gone to start a new day.
Big: First of all--well, there are so many damn gorgeous women out there in this city-
Carrie: What an amazing observation!
Big: But the thing is this: After awhile you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
"I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting,challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous."
-Carrie, Sex and the City
There is always a princess and the man that loves her (usually a knight or prince riding in on his white horse). The two fall in love and then because of some reason or another they are separated and he must overcome some obstacle to be with her again. Which because he loves her so much he will do and then of course he will be triumphant and they will live happily-ever-after. The end.
But in real life this is not how the story goes. And let me pause for a moment to notice the use of color here the good guy is always on a white horse. White signifying purity and goodness. The villain will more than likely be on a black horse - the color black representing evil. So here may lie my problem - so far I think I have been going for the the prince on the black horse......
But anyway that is neither here nor there. Back to topic (sorry I can get sidetracked). Disney sets us up to believe that a knight will come save us and that we too will live happily-ever-after. But in real life does it ever happen that way? Are we being set up for failure? Or does this create an unrealistic view of the way things should be causing us to raise our standards to high?
Monday, August 4, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
So like all Mr. Big's he was a main part of my past and perhaps helped influence in a way certain aspects of my life. In part because of him I am the person I am today. But what happens when that skeleton falls out of the closet? Can you push it back in and hide it once again behind your rows of clothes?
I think I may be past that point. With Mr. Big it seems there is always that level of comfort there. I know what to expect and not to expect. I know him and at times it seems he knows me better than I know myself. But each moment we spend together seems like a moment stolen from time. Time stops and nothing else matters. We are standing still not moving forward yet not moving backwards.
I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy each one as it comes with no hopes for the future and no reflection on the past. But with to much time on my hands sometimes my mind tends to wander. Together we talk about the future and each time it seems to be implied we will have a future together. But what is it that we have now in the present? A few stolen kisses and empty promises spoken into the night?
So now I am trying to learn how I can move into the future when my past is now the present. Kenny Chesney's 'Better as a memory than as your man' plays in my head and I wonder if those words may be true. Do I want Mr. Big to leave my past and move into my future? Or are some things better left in the past?
I sit at the bar drink in hand, and just like in the movies, I look up and our eyes meet - Mr. Big
In an interview Candace Bushnell was asked what does Mr. Big mean to women? Her answer: “Mr. Big makes you feel prettier, sexier, smarter, more exciting than you are on your own. That’s why “they” are so addicting … it’s like you feel you cannot live without him....”.
She is right.... that is the exact feeling I had as my version of Mr. Big walked up to me and embraced me telling me all the things I wanted and needed to hear. And in my stomach I felt it, the butterflies that you get only when he is near. This was not the first time I had seen him. It seemed over the past few months he was everywhere. The grocery store, the gas station, a friends party - the run ends were endless.
And like always when our relationships end badly we go back to each other. Like a warm familiar blanket you pack up in the summer but come winter it is always there for you to wrap up in and keep you warm. It's comfortable, it's familiar and maybe worst of all it's dependable.
Every girl has a Mr. Big in her life. And in the end I may get my heart broke yet again but for right now I think I'll pull that blanket out with hopes it might keep me warm on these cool August nights.