Wednesday, August 6, 2008


As always I was at the point I was ready to bid ado to Mr. Big and say goodbye to the past and move on. That was the resolution that played thru my head as I climbed into bed last night. After not hearing from him for several days I had convinced myself it was time to let go. I lay in bed snuggled down amongst my gazillion pillows, my eyes closed listening to the TV drone softly in the background. Then from my nightstand my cellphone went off informing me I had received a text message. I assumed it was one of my girlfriends as I picked it up and hit read. But no there was his name and the message read, "what r u doing?"

I'll be honest my heart stopped as I replied and waited for a response. Then the next thing I knew I was heading out the door in my pajamas to make the 3 mile drive from my house to his. And yes I did say 3 miles which makes late night rendezvous almost to convenient and hard to say no to. So I arrive at the house he shares with his roommate/bestfriend who we will call Don Juan, and the door is unlocked so I quietly let myself in. All the lights are off in the main room but this isn't my first rodeo and like always I head to his closed bedroom door. I ease it open and he looks up as I come thru the door. He is laying in bed watching Ali, an ultimate guy movie. I sit down on the bed next to him and silently sit there watching the TV unsure of what to do. Usually when we are at this point one or both of us has had a few drinks and it seems it is easier to perhaps go with the flow.

He reaches up for me, wraps his arms around me and pulls me down next to him while quietly saying, "Come here." I lay there - his arm around me, my head on his chest. We lay in silence laughing occasionally at the movie or making small talk about events before us on screen. He knows his facts when it comes to history and sports so I listen and try to participate to the best of my knowledge.

Then the movie is forgotten about as he leans down and kisses the top of my head and asks about my day. I feel as if I am under a love spell. One I need to break free from but lack the strength or desire to do so. I question if I should stay the night or leave when the movie is over. But when he asks me what time I have to get up for work I know the answer to the question.

Like every other time I am with him I lay there in the dark, his arms around me and the still night air filled with his soft snores, I question will this be last time I am here? Over time it has become less exciting and more routine. I'm getting in to deep, I feel myself starting to let emotions become involved. It is time to swim back to shore... but the problem is I'm swimming in circles in the darkness of night with no moon to guide me to shore.

Morning seems to come all to soon, just like always, as first his alarm goes off and then mine. We lay there a few moments neither wanting to move. But it is a new day and I can't be late to work. So I hug him goodbye, give him a quick kiss on the cheek then I am gone to start a new day.

Big: First of all--well, there are so many damn gorgeous women out there in this city-
Carrie: What an amazing observation!
Big: But the thing is this: After awhile you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?

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