Monday, August 18, 2008

Just Another Day

So far today is just another day. Nothing exciting to discuss no events from the weekend to ponder. Nothing. I have nada, zilch, zero. I'm ready to pick up the pace and start moving forward. I feel like if life's a dance mine is three steps forward and two steps back and no matter what I can not get ahead. I'm one of those people that think I can dance by waving my arms in the air, shaking my ass, and moving around in small circles (when in reality I'm not dancing just making a fool out of myself). And that is exactly what I am doing - going around in circles.

Part of me longs to have my old life back ~ the glossy image that remains in my mind, you know the one that seems perfect because you painted it yourself and left out all the flaws, yeah that one. The one in which I had someone to come home to every night. Someone that you knew loved you unconditionally. Maybe he wasn't perfect but I did know that X always loved me. And what did I do? I feel as if I just threw that love away and said it wasn't enough. The painful part was I did tell him that. I told him it just wasn't enough anymore. At that moment I think he would have rather me run his truck off a cliff then say those words. But the words were out and I couldn't take them back. Now as I go home every night to an empty house I ask myself - should love have been enough? I mean how many people would love to have what I had. I mean it wasn't always perfect but then again nothing ever is. Is it? Is there really such thing as a perfect relationship? Or is that a myth? An urban legend like the loch-ness monster and big foot? Yet someone claims to have found Big Foot in the North Georgia mountains so maybe it's not all a myth. Maybe a perfect relationship does exist. As I write the words even I know they are not true. Just something we tell ourselves. Just like I tell myself everyday I am better off without X. But I'm not sure I really believe myself.

I feel as if I have failed myself. Not the 25 year old me but the 10 year old little girl within that had so many big dreams and plans. I have let her down in that I have fulfilled none of those dreams and plans she had. I know I'm still young and I still have time. But at this point in my life I'm really ready to be settled. I want the husband, the house (my house), the family, the job I enjoy. Not to be selfish, but I want it all. And I was on the path to having 2 out of 4 with the 3rd option a possibility in the next few years. But now I'm starting over. Is it worth it? Did I make the right decision? When will things get easier? Will I look back at this point in my life one day with regret? Or with relief because something better is out there? So many questions and no answers. Only time tell. I take the cards life has dealt me and I lay them down on the table in front of me. I'm leaving this game up to fate and God only they know what is in store for me. Hopefully it's a game I'll win.

“It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!”
~ Carrie, Sex and the City

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