Friday, August 15, 2008

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."

If you had the chance would you want to know how your life was going to work out? Would you want to know about all the heartache and troubles you face, along with the happy times? Today as I sit and wonder about my life at this point I think I would want to know in part. I just want to know I'm doing the right thing and that things will get better and this will get easier. For some reason this has been a really hard week. I have been nostalgic and time has seemed to erase the bad things and leave only the good. But that's how my mind works I forgive and forget after time. Which can be a good thing, but with X it only led to repeats of the same things I had already forgiven. And how many times can we forgive? I miss him. I really do. I never thought it would work out this way. When I said I Do I naively really believed it would be forever. If you would have asked me a year ago how I would be now - I would have said happily married, cause at the time I really did think X was the love of my life.
But time changes things. It opens ones eyes to the faults that one tries for so long not to see. It's just so hard to let go of 8 years of your life and think that it may have all been a waste of time. I know deep down it wasn't a waste of time, "cause the struggles make me stronger and the changes make me wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. No life ain't always beautiful - tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful but its a beautiful ride." That was a song my dad always liked. I wish he was here know so I could ask his advice.

Was X really the one and I let him get away ~ or pushed him away? Even I know this probably isn't true and I'm just having a down day. But really though how do we ever know?

I'm just torn I look forward to new beginnings but I look at the door I'm closing behind me with some sorrow. It is like a piece of me is dying and I know I will never get it back. I feel foolish even writing this when I talk about Big as well. Yes, let me just go ahead and state I'm crazy. But last night I was watching Sex and the City (I've really been on a kick lately) before going to bed and it's on the part now with Aidan. He's a great guy and you can't help but love him and you know even though you want him to be he's not the one for Carrie. X was my Aidan. And in the episode that was on last night Carrie tells Big she is going to marry Aidan and Big tells her that Aidan is not the man for her. As I sat and watched this it was like Deja Vu because I had had this same conversation with my own Mr. Big at one point in time. Once before the wedding and once during the divorce. He told me he was surprised I ever married X cause everyone knew he wasn't the one for me. I wanted to ask who everyone was and where the hell were they before the wedding. But I bit my tongue. He had tried to warn me but I refused to listen. Just like Carrie, Big had burned me in the past and I wasn't really wanting his advice. I felt like he didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. Years later I have to laugh at the irony and the course my life has taken along with the recent turn of events.

Well I think this is enough about me today. After reflecting I feel better. Not as down and out. Yep writing is really free therapy. So here's to a fun weekend ahead maybe I will have more upbeat news Monday. :)


jwriter said...

I don't believe in the one made for you thing. I think Adam was the only man lucky enough to have a woman made just for him. The rest of us had to work for the one we wanted. First off I really like your blog. It is just refreshing to have someone on here talking for real about relationships and you're open about your life, which is a scary thing to do. That's my thing I don't think women who have a Mr. Big in their life should start something new, because the truth is no one will compare to him and everyone else will be an Aiden. And Aiden's are a nice placeholder, a nice thought, a dream in real life that the woman is waiting to wake up from, but he'll never be Mr. Big and he'll just have to go and look for the one who wants him. Love is so powerful, but it can be so destructive.

E said...

I agree with you it can be powerful and destructive all at the same time. Some times even self destructive!