Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Add this to the fact that I am the low man on the totem pole here at work I worry that if things keep being slow I will be the first to go. Gas prices are a major problem. In that gas keeps getting more expensive yet we as the consumer are not making any more money. Yet as the rule of supply and demand goes, why should they lower the gas prices. They know we will pay it. We have no choice. Myself, just like others I assume, have cut down on gas consumption. I drive to work and home; that's pretty much it. I have went on no road trips this summer as usual. And even when we go to the lake we tend to lay out on the dock more and ride on the boat less. Because the boat uses a ton of gas!
I have cut way back on spending; not just because of the economy but still seem to be just barely making it. Everyone admits there is a problem but no one seems to want to step up and fix it. And sorry for my ignorance perhaps, but it seems they have almost waited to late. They should have started trying to fix the problem months ago.
Today I read a post by Clever Girl Goes Blog (that is perhaps what got me on this kick), and she makes several suggestions to help save money. If you haven't read it I recommended reading it. I think I may try the gift card purchase idea. I have done this before when I was in college. My biggest way of saving money is bringing my lunch to work, but lets face it sandwiches and frozen diners can get old fast! So in order to better budget my fast food trips for the month I may get a gift card. But instead of doing a store card I'm leaning more toward a general visa that I could use anywhere.
Also blogs of note on ways to save:
101 Ways to Save (some ideas are a little to extreme for my taste but others may be helpful)
And MSN's Smart Spending Blog
Monday, September 29, 2008
Well X did things that broke our divorce agreement but I wanted to keep up my end - even though he seemed to not care. Everyone has been giving me advice on my situation, and finally after much convincing from my mother, Vivi, Vixen, Blondie, and Giggles I have seeked legal advice. I hoped it would never come to this point. Stupid me hoped that X and I could walk away no hard feelings.
So now I am faced with a hard decision. Do I do what's right for me or what I believe to be the right thing for the situation I am in? In other words do I keep digging my whole deeper potentially costing me more in the long run because I think it's the right thing to do? Or bail off of a sinking ship? Obviously X has not looked out for my best interest or even considered it up to this point, so why do I feel like I should still consider his? After all the advice I know what I need to do, yet in my heart it's not what I want to do. But in the end it is the best thing for me. The decisions of being an adult are so hard. So many questions, so few answers. Apparently love really is blind.
Friday night after work I went to the barn to feed horses and then headed home to have a date night with myself. As an only child I relish my alone time. It's my time to unwind. With that in mind I heated up leftover Fajitas for diner and then proceeded to take an hour long bubble bath. Hyper and I watched Chick-Flicks, pigged out, and went to bed early for much needed sleep.
Saturday I worked around the house then met up with Fire Guy to head to Sports Bar to watch our college team game (the one Blondie was at). And the game sucked! We lost so bad it wasn't even funny.
Sunday was a peaceful and relaxing day. It's almost to easy with Fire Guy. A few months ago the thought of dating again scared the crap out of me. I remembered my previous single life and the nervousness that could come along with dating. The not knowing what to say or how to act around a new person for fear of giving them the wrong impression, etc. With Fire Guy there is no stress, no nervous. When did dating get so easy?
Back to Sunday. Fire Guy invited me to come see his family's horses. For the time being they are in training at a barn not far from my house so I accepted the invitation. We arrived at the barn and his dad, step-mom, and sister were already there. Before I know it we are all on horses and going on a trail ride. This was not part of the original plan but made for a great day. After a few hours at the barn his dad asks if we are hungry. Breakfast was a distant memory and the thought of food sounded good.
Less than an hour later we were seated in front of a Hibachi grill ordering Japanese. So here I am seated between Fire Guy and his sister and I realize I'm not freaking. His family is really nice and made me feel very comfortable. Still looking back I feel it's to soon to be spending time with the family. That's what I mean it's to easy. Normally when you go to meet the family it's such a big deal. You want to make a good impression, be dressed just right, I mean it's a whole ordeal. But with Fire Guy it's like things have just went along smoothly, no big ordeals, just smooth sailing. Is this how its supposed to be? Have things changed that much? Or is that I'm just older, maybe wiser, and don't really give a sh*t anymore? Huh. No I do care so maybe just older and a tad bit wiser. After diner we rented movies and returned to the house.
Telling Blondie my reservations about how easy things are she tells me that is the way it should be in a relationship. I was quick to point out we are not in a relationship. She laughed and corrected herself, "well whatever y'all are." She said it should be easy. Are we in a relationship?
Ok I have a confession. Fire Guy stayed with me all weekend from 5 p.m. Saturday till we both left the house for work this morning at 8:30 a.m. I always being the "good girl" growing up am embarrassed to admit this. But heck why should I be? I am a grown woman. And it wasn't a planned thing it just sorta happened. See here is that easy, comfortable thing again. But it was great. I had a great weekend. I'm just not used to it being this easy, I'm still waiting for the bomb to go off. I know I have trust issues ~ Thanks X.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
I had to run back into the house and came back out to find him and Hyper all ready in the truck ready to go. And yeah call me a sucker but I think it's nice he always lets Hyper come along. So we went down to the creek and I got some great pics! (I'll try to load some later). Afterward we went to Sports Bar for diner. Bartender was not working but had stopped by (she is the owner) so of course she wanted to meet Fire Guy.
For new readers let me explain Bartender ~ Me and my girls love her!! She is like a big sister that you can tell all your secrets to and is always there for you. We met her several years ago and now go to her and her husbands restaurant at least weekly.
So Bartender sits with us and chats while we eat. Fire Guy participates in conversation easily and I can tell by the look Bartender gives me that she approves. And this approval meant a lot to me.
After diner we returned to my house where Blondie had posted up on the back porch with an evening cocktail. We made drinks and joined her. The night air was cool and crisp signaling that fall was in the air. We all donned sweatshirts and sat drinking and laughing. Fire Guy sat and listened to Blondie and I relive events of the past. Funny stories that made us all laugh.
As he went inside to make her another drink Blondie leaned over and whispered to me, "I think you finally found a nice one." I was happy and nervous all at the same time. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down like in the past. I mean they're all nice in the beginning. I'm old enough to know better. Maybe I'm to cautious. But I'd rather be safe then sorry. I try to distance myself but it keeps getting harder and harder...... I'm just trying not to fall.
~ Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill ~
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I have to give it to Fire Guy we have yet to go on a traditional date, you know dinner and a movie, but I always have so much fun! He's so laid back and when I did mess up he didn't get mad or frustrated, just laughed with me as I tried again. I like the fact that he doesn't stick with the norm and tries to take me to do new things or things he knows I will enjoy.
After golfing we returned to my house where I planned on cooking him diner. Fajitas. Now I am not much of a cook....... ok perhaps that's an understatement. I CANNOT cook...... I can bake....... cookies, cakes, etc. And I can marinate chicken and bake it (which is pretty much my speciality) but I can't really cook. And my friends love to give me a hard time about this...... oh yes there are stories but I will save those for another day.
I cut the chicken into strips and place it in the sauce and suggest we let it marinate and in the meantime take Hyper for a walk. So with Hyper running happily we walk down the quite road that runs thru my neighborhood. When we return I place the wok on the stove and wait for it to heat up. I have watched Vivi do this before and I'm convinced I to can do this.
[ Upon retelling this story to Vivi ~ she informed me that every cooking story I start out with "I did it the way I've seen you do it" never ends good. ]
Fire Guy is telling me a story and I, thinking the pan is hot enough, pour the chicken in. He makes a noise/smirk as I do this.
Fire Guy: "I don't think the pans hot enough."
Me: Puzzled look
Fire Guy: "It needs to get hotter before you put the chicken in or the outside will cook and the inside won't be done and it will overcook."
Me: "Gotcha." I pour the chicken back into the bowl it had been in previously, feeling slightly stupid.
He smiles and we go back to the previous conversation as we wait for the pan to heat to the proper temperature...... still not sure exactly what that is or how to tell. But after a few more minutes I decide its probably good. Before I can pour the chicken in Fire Guy informs me I need to pour a little vegetable oil in the wok. ???????? At this point I laugh, step back and let him do the cooking. And I stuck to what I know how to do..... prepare the side dishes! I made the rice, heated the tortillas, and made the cheese dip. The meal turned out excellent! So at least I know he can cook.......
Also on a side note ~ when we had first arrived at my house he informs me I have a break light out. I already knew this. It had been out for months. I know I need to get it fixed. But it's one of those things you kinda forget about. I know, I know. I tell him I know it's out and been meaning to fix it but (insert trail off here). He smiles shakes his head and turns to walk back to his truck where he retrieves a small tool box. He comes back to the 4Runner, lifts the back gate and removes the tail light. He takes the bad bulb out while telling me he'll pick one up tomorrow and fix it for me. I mean how nice is that?
Fire Guy is a great guy and I do kinda like him....... He's got that 'get it done' personality I have always wanted in a guy. Yet I'm still not ready to fall for him. It's to soon. He is also always such a gentleman. Meaning he hasn't even tried anything (you know what I mean) which for a guy our age is pretty impressive. And no he's not gay, in case you may be thinking that. He's just really respectful. Like he knows I'm not ready therefor just enjoys being with me....... And the problem with all this is X still has my heart. Fire Guy has all the qualities and traits that I longed for X to have plus some yet why do I still miss X? Cause we were together for so long? Habit? I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but that's ok I guess the point is I'm moving forward. And I feel really lucky to have met Fire Guy he's made it easier to move on knowing that there's no pressure and it's just one day at a time.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
In other exciting news I plan on seeing Fire Guy tonight, and depending on how late the course is open, he may take me to play golf. I have never played before (not to mention I suck at putt putt) but I'm always up for something new. The klutz in me is afraid I may be doomed. But I will remain optimistic.
Now I'm not one to wear heels on a daily basis. Wait let me start over, I love heels and wish that I was the type of girl who could wear them all the while walking naturally like they were apart of me. Sadly this is not the case. First off I'm a klutz. Plain and simple fact. Secondly even at my young age I have arthritis in my hips due to a sports injury in High School which makes wearing heels painful. But occasionally the girly side of me comes out and I pull out one of the few pairs of heels I own and slide them on instantly feeling a confidence boost that can only come from great shoes or the perfect purse. Come on you know what I'm talking about. For work the dress code is casual but still professional. So at least one day a week instead of slacks or a skirt I slide into a pair of jeans. And on days I wear jeans I always wear heels, you know to dress it up a bit. Don't want to look to casual.
I have on my jeans, cute grey shirt, and black heels. Perfect combination. As I go to leave work yesterday I step off the curve gracefully in my black heels...... and do a face plant in the parking lot! And I'm not talking about a graceful, lady like fall - I'm talking about the 'what the hell just happened', flailing arms, purse flying type of fall. Oh yeah. As I scrape myself off the concrete of course I am glancing around in embarrassment while scurrying to my car hoping no one has just seen my swan dive. Coast appears to be clear. So as I open my car door I take a moment to inspect my wounds. Or as I will call them today, battle scars. Yep big toe gashed opened (which bleed for an hour), scraped up bleeding knee, scrapped elbow, and scrapped hand. Oh yes 2 on the right side and 2 on the left side of my body. I'm an equal injury type of gal.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
After hauling hay we went to grab a bite to eat before his baseball game. He plays in an adult league with the fire department. And since he had been nice enough to come help I figured the least I could do was go watch. So I went home and got Hyper and headed to the ball fields. And Blondie's punishment was she had to come along. Yes, paybacks a bitch.
So we sit watching the game all the while keeping a close eye on Hyper who was playing happily at the end of her leash with several stray kids. But when Fire Guy would come back to the dugout she would quickly abandon the kids and try to make a mad dash for him. I'm telling you I seriously think she would chose him over me. Blondie stuck around for a while but then left me in search of food. Instead of sitting by myself I relocated.......... and sat with the family......... his dad, step-mom, and step-sister. Weird? You bet! I was my nice and charming self and I had met them once before but it was still weird. Made me want to get up and run for the hills. To fast. To fast. Kept running thru my head. This is moving to fast. But then I took a deep breath and reassessed the situation. It wasn't like I was invited to a family function or anything this was just a sorta run in, same place same time, type of thing. It was still weird though.
Seeing as they were playing the best team in the league Fire Guy's team lost, but in his defense it was a good game...... meaning they could have lost by a lot more. After the game I can tell he is a little mad about the defeat but with a smile he greets me and an excited Hyper who licks his face as if to say its ok. As he walks me to my car I'm quiet trying to tread lightly, I'm used to X and when he gets mad it's best leave him alone or face the wrath. But Fire Guy is a gentleman as he hugs me, thanks me for coming, and opens my car door. I place Hyper in the passenger seat and climb in. He leans down to kiss me but pauses right before he gets all the way to me. Did anyone else know about this 90/10 rule?............ Please tell me I'm not the only one.............. So as he hesitates, me being me, I start talking. I feel awkward and unsure of what to do. I tell him bye and this times he does lean down and kiss me. Just a quick kiss and then he closes my door and is gone.
I'm left feeling a little baffled but shrug it off and head home to feed Hyper and take my nightly bubble bath. As I am crawling in bed my phone goes off. It's Fire Guy. He wants to make sure I made it home ok. This turns into an hour conversation. He makes me smile. Which is nice because I feel like I haven't really smiled in so long. And going back to the 90/10 thing. Apparently a guy will go in 90 percent of the way and then if the girl wants to kiss the guy she will come in 10 percent of the way. WTF??? Who made that rule??? Oh well explains the hesitation. I tell him what I think of this rule - cause personally I think the guy just needs to take the girl, sweep her off her feet, and kiss her passionately. Only in the movies? I refuse to believe that.
I also found this quote that was to good not to post as well.............
Monday, September 22, 2008
Anyway so Vivi, bless her heart, drives the hour and a half to get here even though she has to be back to work Sunday morning. She arrives at the house to greet me, Vixen, and Blondie. Vixen and Blondie had already made their first drink and we're all giggles as I got to open my presents. I loved my stuff!! Vivi got me an interesting gift I can't wait to use......... you really don't want to know.
And thanks again to Vivi who made my birthday one to remember...........
Friday, September 19, 2008
As I sit at my desk ready to start the day still feeling a little down, the door opens and in comes a birthday surprise that brought a smile to my face. Giggles had sent me ballons attached to a mug containing all kinds of good candies! I do love chocolate! Once again I have to reflect on what good friends I have. I know I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, but I really do have the best of friends!
My spirits are starting to lift. Today I am 26 and I have decided that this new year of my life is when things will start going my way. New year, new me sounds like a good plan!
Tonight I think Blondie and I may go out for drinks and diner. Not quite sure yet..... Then tomorrow the girls are getting together to celebrate. Not going out like the original plans.... but hey that just means fate has something better planned for us. And it probably will revolve around watching the football game of our college team. Yeah somedays we are just one of the guys. To be as girly as we can be at times I know it may surprise some that we are such big football fans. Think it must just be in our blood!
Well got to get back to work...... I have a feeling today is going to be a slow day. But that's ok today is my day and it's Friday so I'm not going to let anything bring me down! :)
"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip."
~ Anonymous ~
Later that day 3:30 p.m.
Just to add I have since also received to beautiful vases of flowers!! (pics will be posted later) I have such great friends. You know she's your best friend (Vixen) when she knows your favorite flower..... Now I feel bad cause I don't remember the name of her's...... I know it's purple! Damn if this were a test I'd fail. I have hopes this is going to be a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I wish I was still in the Bahama's. Wouldn't that be nice? So I've hung out with Fire Guy a few times this week. Nothing major just lunch one day and he came over to the house and watched a movie one night. He calls about every day. It's nice to know someone actually cares and wants to talk to you. I enjoy spending time with him and if nothing else I think a good friendship will come out of this. But I'm really just taking it day by day like I am the rest of my life at this point. I'm not ready to trust someone else or to let someone else in. Vivi says there's something about him she can't put her finger on. I'm proceeding with caution but I have to admit he's nicer than most of the other guys I know.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I had fun plans for this weekend and was really looking forward to it. But like always X has ruined it for me. Now I don't want to do anything. I want to curl up on the couch, wrap a quilt around me and just sit closed off from the world. I don't want to have to be fake happy. How can he bring me so down? And why do I allow him to do this to me? I feel like I have no control over it. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I am climbing a ladder out of a dark hole. Every time I get to the top and am about to climb out something grabs me causing me to lose my balance and fall all the way back to the bottom. It's discouraging. Every time I pull myself up, dust off and look skyward. I see blue sky outside the hole, I just have to make it to the top. Each time it seems it's harder to start the climb. It takes me longer to pull myself to my feet. How many more times must I fall before I make it out? How many more times before I give up?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
After our adventures we meet back at the ship to get ready for our night on the town. We were dressed to kill and in search of trouble as we stepped off the boat. We headed to Senor Frogs where the music was loud and drinks were well mixed. We met up with our Miami boys and Red Shirt boys and the night was mixture of dancing, drunken conversations, and laughter. Before we knew it the time had flown by and it was 3 a.m. As a group we headed back to the ship and I felt safer having the group of guys to walk with. Not that Vivi, Vixen, Blondie and myself can't take care of ourselves but on the streets at night it was nice to have the guys as body guards.
Finally our flight was called and we were officially on the way home...... this time I did get sick and made the mad dash for the bathroom as soon as the plane landed. After claiming our bags and boarding the bus we are taken to the lot where we had left the car. But wait the trip is not over yet! We open the door to find the car overrun with ants. Yep Vivi had left an open diet coke in the back and Blondie well there was enough crumbs to feed the whole ant family! 45 minutes later we had eliminated the majority of them...... or so we thought. It was war the whole way home! Gives a whole new meaning to ants in your pants!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Rage. Red, black dark rage. I feel my body almost tremble at the anger pent up inside. My checks flame and I try to calm myself down. Deep breaths but nothing works. I just want to cry. I'm one of those people that when I get so mad and I can't do anything about it I just want to cry. Maybe that helps release the frustration. So basically X has been out of my life awhile now but is apparently still screwing me. Well screwing me over. And you know today I woke up kinda sad and depressed because it was today 4 years ago that he proposed to me. I was feeling nostalgic and missing him. But like always he does something that reminds me why I am better off without him. I don't want to go into details but lets just say we have our house for sale and we agreed I can live in it till it sells. Well I have a bunch of money tied up in the house and he has zero, zilch, nada. So basically he owes me money in which I will never see. So while I'm struggling to make ends meet (and not making half the money I need to do that) he is out buying motorcycles and new cars! Let me explain why I'm bitter. It seems from the divorce he is the one that came out to the good. He walked away with his truck paid off and all the furniture (which he sold). He also got to keep his job, we worked together I had been there 7 years and him about 3. I was the more valuable employee but because I was the one who wanted the divorce I had to go. So no money, no job and broken dreams. That is what I walked away with. And I'm out a pretty big sum of money. Fair? No. But what can I do? I keep waiting for him to do the right thing but it becomes more obvious with each day that passes that he's not going to.
Ok took a pause went and got some lunch ~ I've calmed down now...... well somewhat. I called X and we may at least be on the same page now. Who knows. I'm just waiting for the next big explosion. But tomorrow morning I will board a plane and get the hell out of dodge. Which I think is the best thing I can do right now. I need to get away and leave X and all the troubles behind!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Time passes and no more bites so we walk down stream, this place was so beautiful and peaceful I will definitely have to go back and get pictures to share with you. ~ We stop at a new spot and there are rocks going out into the creek. Fire Guy tells me the best spot to fish is to stand out on the rocks and cast into the deep end. So carefully I make my way out on the rocks trying to keep my balance and to keep from sliding on the slick rocks. He goes a few feet down and crosses over to more rocks and we once again cast our lines. Hyper at this point is bouncing around on the rocks and of course slides off in the water to get a floating stick and swims to shore. I think she is hyper normally but today she was wide open non-stop!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Well about this time I hear from Fire Guy who says because of the storms he is out getting trees out of the road. I tell him of my tree and he quickly offers to come take care of it for me. All of a sudden I feel like the damsel in distress and I don’t like it. I’m very independent and like to believe I can do anything for myself and very rarely do I actually like to ask for help. So I tell him I can get it. He offers again but stubborn me is convinced I can take care of it myself.
So this morning Hyper and I walk up the driveway to move the tree. Perhaps I should say attempt to move the tree! Up close it was larger and heavier than I expected it to be. As I squatted and lifted with my knees, my wrist screamed with pain. Yeah it still hurts from my run in with the 2x4. I was able to get it just enough out of the way that I could get out and decided I would deal with it later.
Whether being a smart ass or sincere Fire Guy asks this morning if I got the tree moved and I had to admit partial defeat. So he tells me he will come help me move it this evening and this time I don't protest. I mean it’s nice to be rescued everyonce in awhile right?
So far Fire Guy is really nice. But the butterflies just aren't there. Damn Big. Maybe it's to soon to know though. And maybe I'm delussional. How could I go from being so excited about this boy last week to so cool this week? PMS maybe? He's almost everything I said I wanted in a guy..... so why does it seem it is not enough?
Monday, September 8, 2008
Moving on is a hard thing. I thought I was ready and I guess I am but this weekend got me to missing X. Or at least what I had with X. I guess nostalgic would be a better word. It was just so weird to be out with someone new. It's going to take time to adjust. I'm not looking for anything serious and Fire Guy knows that. I feel like when I was younger and got thrown from this one horse I had. I was terrified to get back up on her. On the outside I pretended to be tough but on the inside I was scared. Dating again is the same. On the outside I try to act like every things great but on the inside I'm scared and a nervous wreck. I guess I still worry about if I made a mistake with X. Did I really try hard enough? Maybe I'll never know. Some days I feel like all this has been a bad dream and I'm going to wake up at any time and things will be back to normal. After four months I know this will not happen, yet it still doesn't feel real that it's over. I guess because we were together for so long. It's hard to let go of the past but I'm trying to.
Hanging out with Big is different because I've known him so long it's comfortable whereas Fire Guy's new so it's a totally different ballgame. Maybe that's why I was so shaken. I haven't hung out with Fire Guy yet one on one so we'll see. He's smart, nice, cute, considerate..... so far..... but then at the beginning aren't they all? I need to give him a chance. Really what do I have to lose?
Saturday, September 6, 2008
After the show Vivi, Vixen, Fire Guy and myself headed to Krystal's for much needed food. The conversation was good and Fire Guy was able to handle 2 out 5 of my closest friends. Overall it was a pretty good night. Once back to the barn though things went south. It was my fault I wasn't paying attention and lets just say one of the horses decided to smash me against a wall so today I have a sore hand and a 2x4 scraped up arm! Great ending let me tell ya!
Even with my harm hurting like hell though I couldn't help but smile at the nice night I had with Fire Guy. It was nice to be around a guy who is actually interested in something your into. Vixen gave me thumbs up and let me tell you she can be a pretty harsh critic. So maybe we'll keep him around a least for the time being. He says he'll call. And you know what I think the night went good enough that he just might. He also gets brownie points for seeing me all dirty and sweaty and wanting to hang out again :)
Friday, September 5, 2008
So I may have dug myself a hole. I invited Big to come tonight but did so in the casual 'if your bored' type way. Do I really think he'll come? Hell no! So when Fire Guy asks what I'm doing this weekend I tell him of my plans tonight and in the same way invite him to come. Now your thinking WTF, is she stupid?! And no I am not. I know that Fire Guy has to work a 24 hour shift today, I knew this before I asked. What I did not know was that he would actually want to come and reply back that he is going to see if he can take off work.... Wait for it....... Yes, now I am panicking! I call Vivi and she laughs until she realizes that if they both show up she has to run interference.
See the crazy shit I get into? This is why they don't usually tend to leave me alone, because I will always get myself in some kind of trouble! But hey what fun is life without a little trouble? So do I think they will both come? Chances are slim to none.... We shall have to see, may lead for an interesting post in the future. But don't get your hopes up my hunch is neither will show. Either way I'm looking forward to a fun night at the horse show with my girls! Oh yeah I didn't mention they were coming did I? Vivi, Blondie, and Vixen are coming to be my cheering squad. I tell you me and these girls are in it together for life. I am so lucky to have such wonderful and supportive friends! I don't mean to be cliche but I would literally be lost without them! They are the loves of my life and as the quote I posted yesterday stated a man would be lucky to come in fourth.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Vivi and I finished eating and climbed in the car and headed to his house. We didn't know till we got there but the boys were in rare form and we were celebrating Big's passing the military test. As I sat on the porch rail with Big's back to me leaning against me it was if I had hopped in a time machine and went back about ten years. I felt like I was in high school all over. We may have all gained a little weight and the conversations may be slightly different than those years ago but that was it.
One thing led to another and the next thing I know I am in the passenger seat of Big's Jeep heading up the mountain. With the top off the cool night air blows my hair leaving it in knots that seem to take forever to come out. We pull off at the state park overlook and our small group of six pile out of the two Jeeps and head up the walking trail. It's dark and the moon is thankfully hidden on this foggy night. By the light of our phones we make it up the stairs to the overlook platform. We laugh as we all climb up on the rock wall and stare at the midnight beauty of the mountains around us. We joke and laugh ~ conversations and events that are probably best kept secret. Big took me in his arms and we looked up at the few stars in the sky and finally agreed on which one to wish upon. With a quick star bright star light chant we make silent wishes. Wishes that faded into the night air. I made a general wish, one which I will not tell you for then it may not come true. But last night as our laughter reached up to the sky I realize my wish was already coming true.
I'm not sure how long we stood "on top of the world" probably hours but in reality it felt more like minutes.
In trying to keep my distance from Big I tried to remind myself of Fire Guy throughout the night. And not Fire Guy himself per say, but what he represents in general, other nice guys out there that may be interested in dating. We return to the house and I don't ask to stay just say that I have to get up at 7. He nods his head as he glances at the time then says, "well we better get to bed then." We say goodnight and head for the bedroom. My head hits the pillow and I think about how comfortable I am. As he crawls in bed beside me I had to break the silence with a question better left for daylight but easier to speak out loud in the darkness. Seeing as I have never had a friends with benefits I felt I needed a copy of the rule book. So I asked if someone asked us on a date what should we do? Big and I are not dating but because of our arrangement does that mean we are not to date anybody else and if the answer is no then what we have sounds pretty much like a relationship just with a different label. Big asks who asked me on a date. I don't want to reveal to much information so I told him I had not been asked on a date yet but a guy at a work function had asked for my number. Jealousy starts to seep out as he asks for a name. This goes back and forth for a minute then Big tells me he's better off not knowing the guys name because he would then probably want to hunt him down and kick his a**. ~ Got a confused face going on. Yeah I did to. ~ The 'you don't want me but you don't want anybody else to have me' thought crossed my mind but I kept my mouth shut. His back was to me at this point and I wasn't sure if he was mad or not.
Then he rolled over and took me in his arms as he says ~ You know what I want? The same thing I've always wanted. I just want you to be happy. I'm leaving for the military soon, so maybe you should go out with this guy. I just want you to be happy........ ~ He kisses my forehead. I hear his words but I hear the unspoken ones underneath. The 'I'm not going to tell you not to go but I would rather you didn't' ones.
I laid there with his arms around me curled up in my favorite nook of his body. It's a comfort zone. All I really want is for him to let his guard down. I drift off to sleep.
Somehow something changed this past weekend. I don't know when it changed or what exactly changed but I can feel it. It's a new level of comfort. Is it because he will now hold my hand in front of our friends? Is it because we both know he's leaving soon? Maybe it's that time machine. Maybe because he is being more affectionate and it feels all to familiar. Like a favorite old sweatshirt that just fits and is so comfortable you refuse to get rid of it.
This morning the alarm went off all to soon. I would have given anything to have called in sick. Instead I softly shook his shoulder trying to wake him so he could give me a ride home. This didn't work so after bouncing on his side like a trampoline for 15 minutes he finally laughed as he pleaded "ok, ok I'm getting up." I pulled on one of his long sleeve shirts in preparation for the cold morning air. I climbed in the Jeep and as we started the short journey to my house my teeth chattering. He laughed and cranked up the heat. Which if you've ever rode in an old Jeep with the top off you know as well as I do this was a nice gesture but utterly useless. Heat emerges from the floorboard vents blowing stronger closer to his side. He puts his hand on my leg and pulls it closer to his side and the heat. His hand remains on my leg till he has to change gears. As we pull in my drive-way he leans over and hugs me. There is no awkwardness, not that there really ever has been, but it just feels different. Something I can't put my finger on. My heart feels light today and my head clear. I have my eyes open ready for whatever may lie ahead.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The hours pass to quickly and it is time to head home. Vivi and I sit on the back porch as Hyper runs around the yard attacking anything and everything. Poor strand of Ivy, never saw her coming. And as I said I didn't think this day could get any better..... then my phone went off and the Id showed a number I did not know. Hesitantly I picked up to discover it was Fire Guy! The Rose Bowl was about to come on and he said he was watching it. So Vivi encourages me to invite him over to the house to watch the game with us. Maybe I should point out here that I am sober and Vivi has had a few glasses of wine and is in rare form! So I ask and he says yes! A short time later he gets to the house. I had told Vivi he was cute but she informed me, "he is not cute, he is HOT!!!" So let me say he is the kinda Fire Guy you would let rescue you any day.
Now I will add that Vivi had an interesting day and had locked the keys in her car (to which Don Juan and Big were no help ~ deduction of brownie points). As we watch the game Vivi says something about locking her keys in the car. Fire Guy says he is confident that with a hanger he can get it open. So at half time we grab a flashlight and hanger and head outside. After several attempts he is not successful, but he doesn't give up. He pulls out his cellphone and places a call. Twenty minutes later the keys are out of the car without costing Vivi anything for our stupidity. (Yeah he gets brownie points for getting things done).
Once the game is over he tells us goodnight and I walk him out. He asks when I want to go kayaking (would that be considered a date?) and I tell him anytime just to let me know. He smiles and tells me he'll give me a call. Vivi's advice is I need to fake drowning so he can give me mouth to mouth..... which may not be a bad idea. lol
Either way it was a great day. Hopefully he'll call again and maybe we can hangout. And me kayaking? Yeah that could be a funny experience!
Monday, September 1, 2008
I'll start out with Friday. Vivi, Blondie, Vixen and myself started out with diner at the sports bar and made our way around town from there. I won't discuss much of Friday night but any night you actually think it's a good idea to ride a mechanical bull is a fun night! Once home I get a phone call from Big. Long story short he had swerved to miss a deer and ran off the road. So of course I went and got him and then helped him all Saturday morning to get things straightened out.
Now Saturday was a fun day! Probably one of the most fun days I have had in awhile. Vivi, Blondie, Don Juan, Big and myself loaded up and headed 40 minutes south to a sports bar that was showing our College teams football game. Now I should state here come football season we are all big supporters of our favorite college team. So we get to the sports bar thats showing the game and it's packed! Here we meet up with 2 of Big's other friends who I will just call Guy 1 and Guy 2. After some waiting we get a table and settle in to eat, drink and watch the game. We ran into another group of friends who had also come to watch the game. It was nice to see some of these people who I was so close to before X and I split, mainly the guys, cause honestly some of their girlfriends are just a little to fake if you know what I mean. Overall I think everyone had a good time. After the game we headed back to town to sportsbar to visit with bartender. With our big group the place was packed as we all visited enjoying the relaxed atmosphere. Up until this point many suspected Big and I might have something going on but very few knew the truth. Well after Saturday I think it's safe to say I think everyone knows. I may as well have had on a shirt that said, "I'm with Big" (which Vivi is taken care of for me) ~ and I should point out he is the one who let the cat out of the bag. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Not sure yet. I kinda liked the idea of it being a secret but maybe its a good sign he is now telling everyone. Who knows. Overall it was a great day!
But in reflection we all know I care about Big but do I ever really see myself with him? I'm 50/50. After this weekend I thought "How could I ever want to date him" but then Vivi was so nice to point out how happy I can be when he is around.
Sunday Vivi, Blondie and myself headed to the lake where we laid in the sun relaxing. Weekends like this I feel so lucky and so blessed to have such great friends. And how lucky are we to be able to go the lake anytime we want? Blondie's parents have a house and boat dock right on the lake. Great for those lazy day recoveries!
And today is labor day. I decided to work half a day since I will be gone on the cruise this next week. But this afternoon I will be headed to Vixen's for a cookout with all our friends. So here's to great friends, great times, and great food!