Thursday, September 18, 2008

Staying Optimistic In a Pessimistic World

Staying optimistic in a pessimistic world. That is my objective. Some days its easier than others. I'm just so ready to be done with X and have him out of my life completely. We have our house for sale and in the agreement I can live there until it sells but I am ready to just cut my losses and move out and move on with life. It seems like I am now faced with fight or flight and let's face it I'm tired of fighting. I'm trying to stay positive but it seems every time I start thinking that everything is going smoothly WHAM!! something happens to take be back down. I'm tired of being depressed and I'm tired of crying. And even after everything not a day goes by I don't think about him. But I guess that's normal since we were together for so long. I can't hate him. No matter what he does I just can't. But I need to escape.

I wish I was still in the Bahama's. Wouldn't that be nice? So I've hung out with Fire Guy a few times this week. Nothing major just lunch one day and he came over to the house and watched a movie one night. He calls about every day. It's nice to know someone actually cares and wants to talk to you. I enjoy spending time with him and if nothing else I think a good friendship will come out of this. But I'm really just taking it day by day like I am the rest of my life at this point. I'm not ready to trust someone else or to let someone else in. Vivi says there's something about him she can't put her finger on. I'm proceeding with caution but I have to admit he's nicer than most of the other guys I know.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I had fun plans for this weekend and was really looking forward to it. But like always X has ruined it for me. Now I don't want to do anything. I want to curl up on the couch, wrap a quilt around me and just sit closed off from the world. I don't want to have to be fake happy. How can he bring me so down? And why do I allow him to do this to me? I feel like I have no control over it. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I am climbing a ladder out of a dark hole. Every time I get to the top and am about to climb out something grabs me causing me to lose my balance and fall all the way back to the bottom. It's discouraging. Every time I pull myself up, dust off and look skyward. I see blue sky outside the hole, I just have to make it to the top. Each time it seems it's harder to start the climb. It takes me longer to pull myself to my feet. How many more times must I fall before I make it out? How many more times before I give up?

After a break-up, certain street, locations, even times of day are off-limits.
The city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded
with emotional landmines. You have to be
very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces.
~ Carrie, SATC ~

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