Friday, October 31, 2008

Trick or Treat

Ah today is Halloween, a day for bats and ghouls and things that go bump in the night! I don't know why but I have always loved Halloween and with it falling on a Friday this year I was hoping to attend a haunted house or something tonight. Instead I will be working at Sports Bar. Bartender's father is not doing well so she is out of town and called and asked if I could help out tonight. Of course I said yes. And I can use the extra money so tonight I look forward to putting on my bartending cap.

It is a beautiful day outside and from where I sit at my new desk, that is strategically placed so I can see out the window, I see a fire truck pull up to the curb in front of my office. And out climbs Fire Guy. You have got to be kidding me! On slow days I know that they go around the county testing fire hydrants. Apparently today is the day for the one in front of my office building to be tested. So I sit at my desk and stare/drool as I gaze out the window. The windows are tinted so I know he can't see in therefor I make no move to pretend not to stare but stare openly. He looks great in his uniform I won't lie. And the fire department t-shirt clings to his muscles just right as he releases what I could only assume was the valve on the hydrant.

Blondie is meeting me here for lunch and one can only hope she makes it before they leave. But as he returns to the Fire Truck I see the familiar focus zoom in the parking lot. And they are gone of course by the time I make it outside. Blondie laughs giving me a hard time and admitting that he does look cute in uniform. She says he waved at her and she waved back. For some reason Blondie and Vixen had high hopes for Fire Guy. They both thought he had great potential. And Blondie stands by the fact she thinks he still does. I on the other hand am on the fence about the whole matter. But Blondie is convinced that he started to fall for me and got scared and that he wants to give me ample time to get over X before pursuing me. Sounds good in theory I guess.

Back to tonight Blondie is bringing by her new guy to Sports Bar. I met him last week at the Halloween party and he seemed really nice. I'm just happy she's happy!

“You fantasize about a man with a Park Avenue apartment and a nice big stock portfolio...For me, it's a fireman with a nice big hose."
~ Samantha ~

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mixed Signals & Second Thoughts

Tuesday night Vixen, Giggles, Conscious and myself ventured out into the cold night for diner in celebration of Conscious’s birthday. And the new rule is: if we go to diner at a place that serves alcohol you get a birthday shot, if we go to a place that does not serve alcohol we will have the staff sing you happy birthday. Unfortunately for Conscious she had chose the latter of the two, which caused Giggles to come up with the rule. Needless to say Conscious was embarrassed but we all enjoyed sharing the free birthday ice cream.

Once back home I was getting ready for bed and my phone went off informing me of a new text message. I assumed it was Vivi, Blondie, or Babbles so I continued my bedtime routine. As I climbed into bed I picked up my phone and there was his name. A name I hadn’t seen on my display for almost a month: Fire Guy. I hesitated slightly in surprise, my finger lingering over the read button. I pressed the button and the message read, “So are you alive?” My brow furrowed as I reread the words. I hit reply and said “Yeah…… lol why?” I know, I know not the best reply but I’ll be honest I was a little bit in shock. A minute later my phone went off signaling a reply, “Just checking. Hadn’t talked to you in awhile.” I typed out another reply still wondering what was up. As you can see I always expect ulterior motives. The third message brought the motive to the surface, he asked about X. Apparently even though X and I were telling no one that we were talking the word was out. That’s the thing about a small town even if you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does. I replied vaguely refusing to commit to anything, the response “I just don’t want you get to get hurt! Because you are a good girl!!!!” Pause WTF??!!! This from the guy who pretty much dumped me in a text message with no reason other than ‘this isn’t working’? I guess the pitbull in me came out as I replied with this thought along with a “Besides why do you care?” His response still leaves me confused, “Because I don’t want you to get hurt by him again! Because he does not care about you E! Just follow your heart and it will lead you in the right way!” The conversation continued for sometime after this. Me setting the record straight that I wasn’t sure what was going on with X, which was the truth, and him basically telling me to run as far from X as I can. I should state here that I never bad talked X to Fire Guy. In fact I usually followed any bad statement with ‘he’s really a nice guy’ to which Fire Guy would respond along the lines, “No he’s not he’s a douche bag.” Numerous messages later as we said our good nights the last message of the night read, “I just want what is best for you! And he is not what is best for you! Just follow your heart! Good night!”

I lay awake that night wondering if he was right. I have told all my friends that I don’t want their opinions and that I want to make this decision on my own, with that in mind I don’t really talk to them about the matter. Now here is Fire Guy who is worried about X hurting me again. I still don’t understand why it is that he cares? I mean if it were Big it would make sense he’s always been the, if-I-can’t-have-you-I-don’t-want-anyone-else-to-have-you-type-guy in my life (even when he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want anyone else to have me). Fire Guy has never seemed to be that type however, hence the confusion on my part.

Just when you think you have it all figured out life throws you a curve a ball. I had crushed on Fire Guy and was truly sad when it ended. I mean even now I can distinguish the sound of a fire engine siren, which I couldn’t before because I never paid that much attention, and if one shall pass I look. Do I want to see him or did it just become habit in that short time period? I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to my own question.

The next morning I awoke a million questions still running through my mind. I felt like I had left stuff unsaid the night before and typed out a rather long message in which I sent to Fire Guy, “I’ve thought a lot about what you said. Maybe your right but like I told you before I never believed in divorce I guess I thought that years from now if I knew I’d tried everything I wouldn’t look back with regrets because it wasn’t my fault it didn’t work. But I guess fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. And as far as following my heart goes I don’t think I trust it anymore! anyway thank you and thanks for caring. I appreciate it!” He didn’t reply and I wasn’t surprised.

I’m doing this for myself and the reasons I expressed in the message. I want to know that I tried everything to make it work between X and myself. Up to this point I have regrets and wish I would have addressed the problem at the time. I can’t fix the past but I can learn from it. I want to know that if it doesn’t work with X it’s not because I didn’t try. I don’t want to look back years from now saying coulda, shoulda, woulda. In the morning light though I faced the mirror deciding that I have tried and now I must wait. Days before as a last effort I had suggested marriage counseling. I looked myself in the eye and told myself that if he said no to counseling than I would let him go and once again work on moving on.

Around 5 o’clock I received a message from X reading, “Ok. I want to go talk to someone. U r right about me not opening up and I think that doing that will let us know once and for all if there is anything left. I still feel something for u and since I’m not sure what it is, talking to someone about it may help.”

Will he actually go with me to a counselor? I don’t know. This is X we are talking about and he tends to change his mind, sometimes rather suddenly. This may blow up in my face, or it may be the new beginning of a great romance. Either way I am still taking everything day by day. Not getting my hopes up. I am neither positive nor negative on the situation preferring to stay neutral until the counselor’s appointment is made.

And Fire Guy? I shake my head still in confusion. Yeah my life is definitely shaken not stirred.

“Wouldn’t life be perfect if sweat pants were sexy; Monday’s were fun; junk food didn’t make you fat;
girls didn’t cause so much drama and guys weren’t so confusing; nothing was regrettable;
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.”
~ Unknown ~

A Trip To Wonderland

Hello, long time no see or should I say read? Sorry I tend to be corny from time to time. Well the work place has been invaded. Gone are the days of blogging at work during my down time. With the combining of two offices my office is now always booming, which is nice, but I had kinda got used to the quiet slow pace. Oh well I'll adapt. I was close with the people I work with and the presence of new people is felt. Today Office Mom (everyone has one) came up to me and commented on how weird it was. The conversations are different each of us watching what we say more, not just blurting out anything and everything. I can't say I like it..... Office Mom and I didn't get to have our normal Thursday dish season, which I always enjoy. I'm sure before long though we will adjust and things will return to normal. Or at least one can hope.

So last Saturday night was THE Halloween party, and fun does not even begin to sum it up. First let me explain my costume. Weeks ago Vixen had the idea us girls (Vivi, Blondie, myself and her) should dress up together as Alice in Wonderland. And somehow in the mix of this she assigned us characters and then ordered the costumes. She was surprisingly take charge this year, which was fine by the rest of us. I was chosen to be Alice but instead of Wonderland I believe I was Alice of Ho-Land my costume was so short! Based on my costume last year Vixen had ordered me an XS which apparently was a.k.a for xtra-slutty. Seriously I put the costume on and it was so short if I bent in any direction my derrière would be hanging out. This inspired me to get creative. I mean I could be embarrassed with my rear end hanging out or I could make it funny. And lets face it I like to make people laugh. So I bought a pair of women’s boxer briefs ~ didn’t know these were made till my trip to Wal-Mart in search of black shorts which in October apparently do not exist. And girls these were really comfortable! I would recommend them. ~ Anyway back to topic so I bought the boxer brief shorts and iron on letters. At Vixen’s we plugged in the iron and waited for it to get hot as we placed the letters on the back of the shorts spelling out Wonderland. Hey if I was going to flash people at least thought I’d let them know they got to catch a glimpse of Wonderland. J It turned out to make for a good laugh. Now the rest of the cast: Vixen was the Queen of Hearts, Blondie was the Mad Hatter, and Vivi was the Rabbit. If I must say we were quite the group of hotties!

The party was fun and full of lots of friends, some I had not seen in quite sometime. I hesitate to tell you how my night ended for once again fear of jinxing myself….. but oh well to this point I have always pretty much bared all with very little digression. As I mingled I felt the vibration of my cell phone. It was a text from X who was at another Halloween party but saying he wished he were at the one I was at. He had been invited but because of our recent past he was afraid to be around my friends, and this I understood because I would feel awkward around his as well. He bit the bullet and showed up only to panic. He stayed a very short time and left. A few minutes later my phone rang, him telling me he really wanted to talk to me. I was torn. The party was winding down and the ones that were staying at Vixen’s were trading their costumes for P.J.’s. I was torn to stay with my friends as planned or to leave with X. But I knew if I was ever going to make it work with X I would have to put him first, something I had never done in our past – my friends had always come first, at least 90 percent of the time anyway. I knew better than to drive so he said he would turn around and come back and get me. I grabbed my over night bag and Hyper (who also enjoyed the party – instead of kid’s me and my friends have dogs) and said my goodbyes. Vixen hugged me tight and whispered her understandings in my ear. No matter weather she agrees with my decisions or not she is always understanding and supportive. I walked to the top of the driveway just as he pulled up.

The ride home was quite, not in an awkward way but in that companionable silence type way. By the time we arrived at the house it was nearly 3 in the morning. To tired to comprehend any serious conversation I slipped into bed. He put on his pajamas and, like old times, climbed in beside me. As he put his arm around me and in the coldness of the night I curled up next to him enjoying the warmth he was putting off. Before I knew it I was in a deep sleep, a deeper sleep than I had known without alcohol or sleeping pills in months.

Late the next morning he drove me back to Vixen’s where everyone was just starting to get up and I did the walk of shame. But I held my head high as I grabbed a pancake and joined the others to eat breakfast. As I sat with my friends laughing my thoughts drifted to how nice it was to have a night with X and if I could do it again I’d do it the same. I hated to admit it though but I was none the wiser on where we stood. I keep hoping that I am older and wiser, yet that does not necessarily seem to be the case.

I have more stories from the week to share, but alas they will have to wait till later ~ Stay tuned!

Bill, "Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?"
Milton, "Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler..."
~ Office Space ~

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Look At The Bright Side

As you can see things are a little different today. Thanks to Phoebe I have opted to give the good 'ol blog a face lift. So many cute designs to choose from! May have to change it more often.....

Before lunch I was in a slump and all ready to throw myself a pity party, so to speak. This morning I was called into the bosses office for one of those talks that you know has the possibility to not go well. I have been at this current job for only a little over 3 months. My previous job I was at for over 7 years and for those of you who are new I left this job because X and I worked together...... yeah..... so new beginnings. Any way with the economy everyone is hurting. So to put it in a nutshell they are combining two offices into one. I am low man on the totem pole therefor my services are no longer really needed. Yet I do have nice bosses who have proposed several ideas so that I may stay on, being that the office will be open seven days a week instead of five. That way the other girl and myself could rotate. Some weeks I'd work four days, some weeks three. This was a very nice offer and I appreciated the effort and the fact they do not want to put me out of a job. But I have to face the fact that working three or four days a week is just not going to cut it. I took a huge pay cut when I took this job, I cannot afford to take another pay cut.

Scanning the local paper was even more disheartening. Normally there would be at minimum one page full of help wanted ads, yet in the current edition there are six, yes six, help wanted positions available - not even a quarter of a page. Two of which appear to be a telemarketing scam..... Sigh.......... In my nervous breakdown - poor me - what do I do faze - I called Babbles to see if she was available for lunch. Lately even though I have not mentioned her I have sought her advice on marriage and life in general. Luckily she was available and after a quick lunch I was once again calm and collected. I just feel like everything is happening all at once. Just when I think things can't get worse...... they do. And I mean they could still be far worse and I am so lucky/thankful for all the good things in my life. Just something has got to give!

X and I met last night to discuss the house and the conversation once again turned to us. And the questioning if there could be an 'us' in the future. Jury is still out on that one, and I went to bed with a heavy heart. I still believe deep down that what is meant to be will be and I've got to just keep going.

So overwhelmed would be my word of the day. But things are bound to get better. I mean I knew from the get go this was not my dream job and would be a temporary fix till I could go back for my masters. So this is perhaps a blessing in disguise. Something better is out there, I just got to find it. In life it's always important to remember to look at the bright side. Every cloud has a silver lining. I'm still searching for mine but I have faith it is there. And one day I will find it!

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true"
~ Meredith Grey / Grey's Anatomy ~

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Comfort Zone

Sunday Night:
I sat on the couch eating diner over the coffee table as I do most nights when I eat alone. For some reason I just don't see the point of sitting at the dinning room table by myself, a cruel reminder I am eating diner alone. But really I am never alone. Hyper sits at my feet and waits patiently because she knows I always share. I know, I know. It's not good to feed her while I'm eating because it will only entice her to beg, but it has become routine every night we eat diner together. So as I watch a Desperate Housewives episode my phone goes off. It's X. We had spoken earlier in the day but the day was to hectic to make plans. I had relatives in from out of town and prior commitments I had to keep. So in my cold medicine induced haze the day had been a blur. He asked if I had plans for the evening and I told him no. Which was true because I hardly call mine and Hyper's lazy fest plans.

So X came over and we watched a movie. As we sat on the couch he reached over and took my hand. It was so nice. Comfortable. I miss him. I guess it just felt natural. The night went good. And as the second movie ended and he rose to leave the awkwardness of our situation appeared. I mean this is his house. It seems we should be getting ready and going to bed, not me walking him to the door. As he hugged me goodnight I longed for him to stay and for things go back to the way they used to be. But realistically I know we needed the time apart. I feel like I can look at the situation now with the eyes of an adult not the glazed eyes of a child (if that makes sense). We both see the problems and where we went wrong. But now the problem is can it be fixed?

As I closed the door behind him so many thoughts ran thru my mind. The what if's. The questions that we all ask ourselves when in reality we're not sure we want to know the answers. The reality of you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Even with it's imperfections.

So enough with the drama and remorse. I really am not that type of person. Yet lately I seem so...... hhhmmmm...... looking for the right word........ negative perhaps? I'm not the positive person I normally am, just kinda in the gray area. Not really happy, yet not sad - just kinda blah. I got to get out of this funk! I think it has to do with the weather as well. When it's cold I prefer to bundle up and stay inside versus going out. Perhaps I hibernate...... Oh well whatever it is it's time for a change perhaps.

Tonight X and I have paperwork to discuss. We may have found a solution to our house problem in that we may have a buyer. This brings a mix of emotions. The house holds so many good and bad memories. Yet when it's gone it's like our life together is gone to. We have nothing left tying us together. Which is what I wanted there for awhile. Yet now... I don't know. I guess that's part of being a woman... changing your mind constantly!!!! So for now I will take things day by day. And as I drive down the road of life I am still in desperate search for a map. But honestly at this point I'd settle for a Dr. Pepper and a Take 5. :)

Well off to lunch with Blondie. Oh and I do have a slightly funny story involving my Halloween costume that finally came in. I'll try and tell ya that later if I get a chance :)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Cold Season is Upon Us

Last night I rushed home to feed and tend to my critters. Giggles niece (who is roughly 22) was coming to town and I was anxious to see her. Giggles and I have practically grown up together so we are pretty much family, in that I attended all of her family functions and she attends the majority of mine. I was looking forward to diner with my extended family and I hurried to get things done so I could meet up with them at sports bar. For diner it ended up being myself, Giggles, Giggles boyfriend, Giggles Mom, Giggles Niece and her fiance, and Blondie. I love spending time with Giggles family because there is always wine, beer, or rum involved and great conversation! After diner we returned to Giggle's parents house. From here Niece kidnapped me to join her on the back porch we were discussed life, love and everything in between. It was pretty cold out but we bared the cold and enjoyed the time together just the three of us. All to soon it was time to say good night.

This morning the alarm went off at 6 a.m. and Hyper looked at me as if I were crazy. I wanted nothing more than to climb back in bed and burrow down in the covers, but the parade beckoned. I threw on clothes and headed for the barn. In the early morning light everything appeared to be so serene. The quietness of night was starting to give away to the noises of a new day dawning. Mom and I loaded the horses on the trailer and headed to town. The morning air was crisp as I rode my horse down a small side street to where the parade would begin. I was cold from my head down to my toes! As I waited with others on horseback I looked at the floats around us. Then I heard my name...... I look around for the source of my name...... then I hear my name again and spot Fire Guy's parents. And they are heading straight for me. His dad and step-mom are so nice. They say hi and they know my mom so they speak with her a minute. And then head for one of the wagons. Should have realized they would be riding today as well since he (Fire Guy's dad) is running for a local political office. I'll admit it was a little weird but they are so nice you can't help but like them.

The parade went well. A lot of smiling and waving. But the cool morning air has given me my first head cold of the season I'm afraid. I feel awful! So I have been laying around hoping to feel better. But after medicine, liquid, and Desperate Housewives I still feel like crap. So reluctantly I asked X for a rain check. I don't feel up to going out, all I really want to do is take some more medicine and curl up and go to sleep. So that is my new plan. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and we will try again.

Monica: "I don't need a tissue! I'm find!"
Ross: "When you put a D at the end of fine, you're not fine."
~ Friends ~

Friday, October 17, 2008

Happy Endings?

This week has been so busy/hectic!! I feel like a hamster running on a small wheel - so many thoughts running thru my head and not nearly the time to organize them into some sort of entertaining post.

Is there really such thing as Happily-Ever-After? Or is this just an old wives tale like Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster? Last night I sat at home curled up with Hyper, trying to stay warm, and I decided to watch SATC the movie. I saw it in theaters with my girlfriends months ago. But with lack of options I decided to watch it again. Near the end of the movie Carrie looks at Big and says, "We we're perfectly happy before we decided to live happily ever after." This one line made me pause and rewind to hear it again. I laughed and shook my head and I thought of X. That one sentence summed us up. We were happy before we decided to live happily ever after then the bomb went off. The causalities were high and the damage.... well..... the damages were costly. Am I crazy for wanting a second chance?

Tonight I am going to eat at sports bar with Giggles and some others. Should be fun/entertaining. Then tomorrow for the fall festival there is a parade and I plan on riding my horse in it. Which could be interesting. Then tomorrow night...... don't want to jinx myself...... so not getting hopes up........ almost afraid to even say it........... cause what if it doesn't go good......... X and I are going on a date. Hopefully it will go good. I tell you no one can make me as mad as he does at times, but on the flip side no one can make me as happy either. Is that normal?

I miss Vivi and Blondie. Everyone is so hectic lately - haven't got to hang out with them or Vixen as much as I would like to. But next weekend is the Halloween Party! Which is sure to be fun!

I hope our date goes well. I really do miss him. The anger has faded and the reality has sunk in. But I have faith that everything happens for a reason. It just sucks waiting to see what the reasons are. I am not a patient person. I want to know now! :)

So with that in mind I am still trying to figure out if there is such a thing as a happy ending or if that is only in the movies.....

Also Phoebe!!! Good luck with the race this weekend!! I hope you have a great time!

"Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way."
~ Anonymous ~

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Life - Moving Fast

The last few days have gone by in a hectic blur. Which is good I like it when life is fast paced! Monday I was so excited that on my last blog one of my favorite authors, Kyra Davis, posted a comment! That made my normal, busy, dreaded Monday worthwhile!

Yesterday I had the day off since I worked Saturday and instead of getting things done (like moving) I went and picked up a new horse. A test drive so to speak. A friend had her and wants to sell her so I went and picked her up and brought her home for a week to see if I like her. It ended up being a waste of time and gas! After twenty minutes I could tell she was not the one for me. Wouldn't it be nice if we could tell the same about guys in such a short period of time? She's pretty and nice but I'm looking for a barrel horse and this little lady was just to slow for my taste. So Saturday I will take her home.

Nothing much new here. Staying busy at work which is great!

And I'm afraid to talk to much about it cause I still don't know where I stand or what the future will hold, but X and I have talked about everyday on the phone. Nice and slow. I guess I want to have the clear conscious that I tried everything to make it work. Just one day at a time. Not much else I can do.

This week seems to be flying by (happy Hump day!). Fall is in full force and Halloween is drawing near. Every year my friends and I get together and have a Halloween costume party. This year will be no different. I have my costume and I am ready!

Sorry for the short post. I promise I'll bring my A game tomorrow :) But for today just a quick update will have to suffice.
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
~ John Lennon ~

Saturday, October 11, 2008


It is a beautiful day outside! The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect; not to hot, not to cold. And instead of being out enjoying this oh so beautiful day I am stuck at my desk staring longingly out the window and the people passing by. But it's Saturday you ask, why am I at work? Well this weekend and next there is a big fall festival and for those two weeks my small town is crowded with out-of-towners. Therefor the boss thought the office should be open. Have I seen anyone in the 3 hours I have been here? Nope. Oh well. I get to leave at 2 and lets face it I need the money so I accepted the extra hours excitedly!

Even though I am working instead of enjoying the fall day I am in a great mood! And with nothing really exciting to write about I have decided to just cover a few random topics about myself!

I love to read!!! I wish I could say I read intellectually challenging, mind stimulating, best sellers. But usually this is not the case. I'm a sucker for a good chick-lit or mystery novel. Now I do tend to read classics occasionally. And every once awhile a best seller will catch my eye such as Dan Brown or James Patterson. But I really love a book with a great title. Life is so serious I look for a book that will be perhaps light hearted or suspense with comedy. I have found many great reads by just walking around the bookstore and waiting for something to jump out at me. The first time I did this I was in college and roaming the store when I see book titled: How To Murder A Millionaire ~ It called to me and ever since I have been a HUGE Nancy Martin Fan. Some of my other favorites include: Sophie Kinsella, Leeann Sweeny, Victoria Laurie (just finished her new book and it was great!), Lauren Weisberger, Jennifer Sturman, and Kyra Davis (how can you not love a book titled: Sex, Murder, and Double Latte??) My list could go on and on!! The root of my love for books and mysteries stems back to Nancy Drew. As young girl I loved going on adventures with Nancy, Bess, and George!

Other random facts:
  1. I have athrities in my hips from High School sports injuries and I use this as an excuse to take a bubble bath every night before I go to bed (yes it really does help).
  2. I learned how to ride a horse before I learned how to walk.
  3. I talk to Hyper and really believe that she understands me.
  4. I love music!! Especially a song you can really relate to your life. Right now I particullry like Christina Aguilera's new song Keeps Getting Better.

  5. I am an only child.
  6. My cellphone is with me at all times and I can be a drunk texter.
  7. I love all animals and nothing pisses me off more than people who abuse them.
  8. I barrel race.

  9. I hope to travel the world someday!!

  10. I eat cereal without milk.

  11. Dr. Pepper is my weakness ~ can't live without it.

  12. I have had 3 major loves in my life.

  13. My favorite TV shows are: The Hills, Women's Murder Club (wish they'd have brought it back for 2nd season), Lipstick Jungle, Desperate Housewives, Friends, House, Sex and the City, Samantha Who........ and I'm sure there are others........ oh yeah I love Top Chef (even though I can't cook) and the tom-boy in me loves Top Gear!

  14. I can't cook ~ I attempt to cook.
  15. I'm am scared of snakes.

  16. I am short but I prefer to think of it as funsized.

  17. I am always right. Seriously.
  18. I can drive a 5 speed.

  19. I believe in ghosts/spirits.

  20. I don't beleive in love at first sight.
Feel like you know me better :) Well hope every one has a great weekend! I'm going to grab lunch with Vivi, then few more hours of work and I'll be heading to Giggle's to watch the game!

"I'm good at crossword puzzles, I'm not so good at people puzzles."
~ Carrie, SATC ~

Friday, October 10, 2008

What Happened to the Answers Being At The Back of the Book?

Remember the good ol days in school when doing math homework and you just couldn't figure out the answer? When lost you could always flip to the back of the book and there the answer was. The problem left then was how to get to that answer. If you have a and c sometimes it's easier to figure out b (a+b=c ~ get where I'm going?) In life wouldn't it be nice if you could flip forward a couple chapters and see the answers to the questions that surround us? I feel like I have a but I'm lost with b and c if only I knew c then I could figure out b which is what I should be doing now. Yeah perhaps the train has jumped the tracks and my metaphors just aren't quite working this morning......

Last night went good. But still not sure where to go from here. Diner was good. We watched a movie. Then due to storms the power went out. After some searching by phone light I was able to find the box the candles were packed up in. So by candlelight we sat on the couch and discussed topics that were perhaps easier discussed in the dim light. But still uncertainty remains on both parts. So many emotions, so many memories, so many factors. So little answers.

Maybe I'm to impatient. I'm ready for the ball to be rolling. I'm ready for life to move forward. But at this crossroad, which way do I go? I keep praying and looking for a clear sign or flashing billboard that says "GO THIS WAY" but as of yet none has appeared. :) So for now I will continue to take it one step at a time.

On to other topics...... today is my Grandpa's 88th birthday! I'm so lucky/thankful he is still around and hope he will be for more years to come. In celebration I'm going out with the family tonight to eat diner. I'm looking forward to and am glad he is around to celebrate another birthday.

Then tomorrow is game day! My team Vs. Vivi's (college football) team. Think we are all going to get together and cookout at Giggles and her boyfriends house. Should be fun.

Also on an interesting side note. Logged onto myspace this morning and had a message from Fire Guy's sister (who is younger). I had met her twice and she is interested in horses and now has her first one but she is still just learning. She told me she missed me. It was really sweet and I felt really touched. Never having siblings myself I always tend to adopt ones along the way. I wrote her back and told her that if she ever needed help with her horse or needed someone to go riding with to let me know. Because if she is interested in horses she's a sweet girl and I remember being that age therefor I'll help her anyway I can. Is that wrong? I mean when you stop seeing someone should you act like people you met thru them also do not exist? I'm to nice. I could never do that.

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
~ Jordan Sparks ~

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Short on Time

Ok I have to give a shout out and a thank you to jwriter for all the comments and the sound advice. The comments made me travel back and read previous posts that to be honest I had forgot about. And maybe your right maybe I'm at the point I'm just scared to be alone...... or maybe not........ hopefully I'll have an answer to that question soon!

So with a clear mind I am still trying to figure life out. Heck who isn't? Doesn't it kinda make you envy your friends that seem to have it all together? As I sit here trying to think of something witty/entertaining to write about I seem to be at a loss. Work has been hectic today so not a lot of time to organize my thoughts, or perhaps lack there of.

After some careful consideration X and I have decided to have diner tonight. Is it a good idea? Perhaps, perhaps not. We are going to see if there is anything still there. I am going in with no expectations. Just a clear mind and open to suggestions. There are several possible outcomes:

a) We may realize it's never going to work and we just miss each other as friends

b) We kill each other

c) Afterward we still feel clueless and lost

d) We decide we do still love each other and maybe we need to give it a second chance

Also so that we are not influenced by any outside factors we are not telling anyone of our diner plans. If we decide to give it a chance of course we'll tell, but if not then nobody needs to know.

Since starting this blog I feel as if I have come along way and done a lot of growing as an individual. Funny looking back I remember questioning if blogging would be a good idea or not and really just decided to do it cause at the new job I had a lot of down time! And I really needed something to pass the time. Now, especially this week, things have been busy! Which is great! Job security!

Up Gotta Go!!! Sorry duty calls! I'll update you tomorrow :)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

To Follow Your Heart or Your Head?

Lately in my depressed - why me - glass half empty - mood I apologize for being less than entertaining and more like a whiny brat. I promise I am not always like this way. I'm usually glass half full kinda girl. And I'm sure that girl will return soon. But in the meantime..... Fall has seemed to be a time for reflection. With the changing season I have re-evaluated the changes in my life that I have made over the year. Up until this point in my life I am happy to say I have never had any regrets. But looking back I seem to regret pretty much this whole year. Hindsight being 20/20 there are so many things I should have done differently. X is not perfect, nor was he ever but perhaps in the fight or flight instinct I chose flight to quickly verses the fight to make it work. I do believe everything happens for a reason just sometimes the reasons aren't as clear as we would like them to be. The past week I have spent a lot of time really analyzing our relationship with no outside factors. And I started a pro's and con's list (thank you Friends). If X could stop drinking the pro's by far out number the con's. Am I crazy?

Last night I curled up to watch SATC season 3 the episode on was Easy Come, Easy Go in it Carrie questions, "When it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?" That is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately......... and I still don't know the answer. My heart wishes X and I could have a second chance. I think the separation has done us both good and has helped us both to grow and perhaps appreciate what we did have. And I think we both have learned from our mistakes. The military will be good for him I do believe. The other night he asked me if we ever did give it a second chance if I would move with him. He's not sure where yet he will be assigned but both Italy and Ireland are possibilities. My heart answered before my head could think about it. I said yes. Are you surprised?

So since then I have done a lot of soul searching. Maybe I had to get away from X to appreciate him more and vice versa. If I told my friends my thought on second chances I am sure they would think I was crazy. And I can't blame them. I mean hell I've done nothing but bad mouth X for the past few months even though deep down I've always loved him, just easier to move on if your mad. I've also made some decisions that I am not proud of and really wish I could take back. Big being the main one. Never thought I'd say it but I almost hope I never see him again. He has and probably always will be nothing but trouble. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. There will be no third time. How could I have been so stupid and so blind? Yes, he is fun but that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. A mistake. A moment of weakness. A false light at the end of the tunnel. Turns out it wasn't the way out but a train! lol

As if on cue my mood ring Vixen called while I was contemplating all of this and like usual she gave her sound advice. She said if I love him and want to give it a second chance go for it. Do whatever it takes. Make sacrifices. Put yourselves first, she told me. I asked if I was crazy. She told me no or maybe yes and that's why we get along. But then she told me no matter what she would love and support my decision. She couldn't tell me what was right or wrong because she doesn't have to live my life. Yeah thru thick and thin. She's the best. I told her about X asking if I would move with him. She said it may be good for both of us to get away from the small town drama and she could always come visit. Could I live without seeing her every week? Or Vivi, Blondie, Giggles and Conscious?

But thus far I have always lived my life trying to please everyone else. From my parents, to my friends, to my co-workers. Maybe it's my turn. Maybe I need to start living for me? So many questions. As I ponder the idea of starting over somewhere new. I checked my daily tarot card reading at MSN and this is what I got ~ the foreign language part kinda freaked me out:

October 8, 2008

Tarot reading for E:

Love: Justice
Touchstone: The Empress
Career: The World

This is what characterizes your romantic life today: equilibrium! Sustained by the Empress and Justice, you leave nothing to chance in your emotional relationships today, dear E… You’re prepared to listen, you show affection, you give advice – you put plenty of energy into creating a cordial environment where everyone feels at ease. And that’s marvelous! If you work in the communications industry, this is a day to watch out for. Your powers of persuasion and your innate talent for diplomacy are reinforced by the union of the World and the Empress. It’s not impossible that you may be offered an opportunity abroad, so today’s the day to dust off your old foreign language textbooks and do a bit of revision – it might pay off!

Chandler: [after doing a list of Rachel's pros and cons] "All right, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?"
Ross: "She's not Rachel."
~ Friends ~

Monday, October 6, 2008

Roller Coaster Ride of Life

(Ok started this Monday but hectic so finishing today)

Friday night sitting around with friends playing cards and laughing and my phone goes off. It's Fire Guy. I'll admit I was a little shocked, I mean I'd already deleted his number and wrote him off. He broke his hand (which he sent a pic of and it looked awful) and then put "I don't think this is working between me and you." Pause As the card game went on around me I looked at my phone display dumbfounded. Ok......... I wrote back the usual: sorry-about-the-hand-maybe-we-can-still-be-friends. But I'll admit I was slightly bumfuzzeled. I mean he was the one always wanting to hangout, etc. I hate the game of dating. Why the games? I would like to know what happened so as to avoid future similar situations. But oh well. Three steps forward, two steps back.

Packing has been so hard. I keep finding reminders of a time when X and I were happy. Over the years we had some bad times, but we also had so many good times. I guess it's made me start to second guess myself. Now that time has gone by it's like I can look back and see things that should have been done differently. Hind sight is always 20/20 and that can suck sometimes. If I knew then what I knew now I would have done a lot of things differently. But that's the part about learning from your mistakes. Last night I called Conscious for advice and insight..... and I needed a shoulder to cry on. She is always my guiding light. After talking with her I knew I wanted to talk to X about all the emotions I was feeling. She said it may do us good to talk, so I called. He was busy and said he'd call me back. I really didn't think he would...... but as I lay in bed half asleep the phone rang. It was him. It turned into a 3 hour conversation that left me laying at awake at 1:30 a.m. with to many things going thru my mind.

Overall the conversation was good and I think made us both feel better. He told me how hard all of this has been on him and he keeps hearing how good I'm doing and has felt resentment towards me because of it. I was glad to hear he was also doing bad (you know what I mean) and that I wasn't alone. Apparently I just put on a better fake smile then he does. We talked about his joining the military, the house, and about life in general. It was nice to talk to him on a friendly basis's.

Can I get off the emotional roller coaster now?

"Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!"
~ Monica, Friends ~

Friday, October 3, 2008

Where Did It Come From?

I have been following Cayman's Girl updates on the The Mystery of the Black Thong each week laughing, along with others I'm sure, of the antics behind the mysterious thong. All the while thinking that I have never had such a random experience......... that is until this morning.

I arrive at work early and I open my center console in search of something. Ok I'm a slacker. It's Friday, I'm going to be the only one in the office till after lunch, so I was hoping to watch this weeks Lipstick Jungle episode (that I missed) while working. I can multitask. So I was looking for my Ipod headset to which I planned on plugging into my computer. Anyway I open the console and there sitting nicely on top of my pile of crap (yes my console tends to be a catch all) is a condom. A lone condom. Huh. It's not mine. So where did it come from?

I pick it up studying it like it's going to tell me it's secret. Ok I cleaned my console out about 2 weeks ago and I know it wasn't there then....... So I call Vivi thinking maybe it's hers. She laughs and asks what kind is it . I tell her and she ponders a moment.

Vivi: "I have some of that brand.......... Maybe it fell out of my purse?"
E: "Ok so how did it get into my console?" [laughter]
Vivi: "Ummmm maybe Fire Guy found it? Maybe that's why he hasn't called." [snickering]
E: "Well it's in a brown wrapper....."
Vivi: interrupts, "Brown? Mine aren't in a brown wrapper."
E: "Then WTF? Where did it come from?"
[more laughter]

Next I call Vixen seeing as she was the last person in the 4runner ~ We went out for drinks last night. I thought maybe she was trying to give the hint I need to get laid or something and this was her way of letting me know. When questioned she also denies ownership but finds the situation quite amusing.

So back to the question. Where did it come from? I mean I don't want to exactly question everyone that has been in my car now do I? And I'm sure your asking, how do you know it's not yours? Well simple I have never in all my years bought condoms. I think that the guy should do that. Ok and I live in a very small town and would die of embarrassment if I ran into some people with a box of condoms in my hand. I know stupid, but a fact. At the house, thanks to Vivi, I do have an emergency stash. But this is not one from that. It may remain a mystery...........

Anyone else ever found anything random that you know wasn't yours?

[Miranda pulls a chain of condoms out of her diaper bag.]
Samantha: Oh, honey, isn't the baby birth control enough?
Miranda: They're Steve's. And Debbie's, his new girlfriend, that's her name. Debbie.
Carrie: Where are they doing it, Gymboree?
Samantha: Debbie does daycare.
[Brady picks up the condoms and puts them in his mouth. Charlotte is horrified.]
Samantha: Oh, honey, relax. I have those in my mouth all the time.
~ SATC ~

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Just like normal this morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm. Zombie like I walked to the door Hyper behind me stretching and yawning along the way. I open the door to let her out, at this point she is bouncing excited to get outside. As the chilly morning air hits us she turns and runs back to her bed. Yes, it is plain cold out this morning!

So today I'm a little perturbed. It's Thursday and still no word from Fire Guy. We rented 3 movies Sunday and didn't get to watch all of them and we had planned on watching the rest of them this week. Perhaps out of frustration last night I sent a text asking if he wanted to watch the rest of the movies. No reply. So today I am a) slightly pissed b) confused c) well maybe there is no c..... refer back to points a and b.

And why is it when the guy is into you and you have the upper hand you can be nonchalant. At least I'm that way. Maybe it's because I like a challenge. I always want the guy I think I can't have (example Big). So today I am rehashing my "relationship"/"what-ever-you-call-it" with Fire Guy. Things seemed to be going good. I mean Sunday night we were eating with his family. His dad and step-mom were in conversation and he turns to me and says low enough for only me to hear. "What to go rent a movie?" I reply something along the lines of yes. He then says, "well how bout we stop by the house. I'll pick up my work clothes and just stay the night with you tonight." It was his idea to stay therefor I can't be accused of coming on to strong. Monday morning we were both getting ready in a hurry seeing as we slept in as long as we could. Before we left he hugged me and told me I smelled delicious (his words not mine). And that was it ~ all she wrote.

I go back to that I jinxed myself and you know I'm ok with the fact he may just not be that into me. But I would like to know what changed? Did an ex come back into the picture? Did he decide I have to much going on now with my own X? And watch me bitch about all this and then hear from him and then I will feel bad about having wrote all this. Shrug of shoulders Oh well.

With moving, rejection, memories of the past, ect. I have been on an emotional roller coaster this week. And last night in my crying frenzy (I'm sad it's my last week in the house), I started thinking about when X and I first got married. The happy times we had in the house; decorating for fall, getting our first Christmas tree, snuggling up on those cold fall nights. I miss it. I miss him. If I haven't stated before I was the one who ended our relationship. It was best for me. But everyone keeps telling me it will get easier and I feel like I have the right to say they are full of shit. I mean months have gone by but its not any easier. The only thing is now I remember the good stuff and tend to forget the bad. And with X it was not all bad, but in our relationship I lost who I was. I know that 2 parts become 1 within a marriage. But that is 50/50 with X and I it was more 90/10. Wait that made me think of the 90/10 rule so let me change that to 91/9. There that's better. I have tried moving on and testing the waters with a friends-with-benefits type of relationship with Big and a dating with Fire Guy. But in the back of my mind X was always there. How long will he be there? Will he ever really go away?

And then I did something I never should have done. As tears streamed down my face I picked up my phone and dialed his number. It was a weak moment. He didn't answer. I hung up. He texted later. I knew he was out of town doing military test. He told me how they were going. And the messages went back and forth friendly. It was good to hear from him. Maybe I'm just missing him as a friend? I mean he was there for so many major events of my life. Nobody will ever be able to replace that. He was there when I graduated college, he was there thru dad's cancer helping to haul hay when Mom and I couldn't do it, he was there rubbing my back as dad took his last breath. He held my hand during the memorial and was literally my voice when I couldn't speak.

But he was also the one who cussed me like a dog in front of our friends and at times literally made me want to go jump off a bridge. How can somebody take you from one extreme to the other so quickly? Ok maybe I've ranted/vented/contemplated enough for today.

I will chalk Fire Guy up as my X rebound. A great first date. And he will be the first chapter of my new life. I will consider him a stepping stone toward better things yet to come.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back
together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it.
But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody
who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

~ He's Just Not That Into You ~

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Open the Sunroof

As I cranked my 4runner the first thing I did was slide on my sunglasses and open the sunroof. It is one of those perfect fall days out. Perfect for riding with the windows down. That is if gas wasn't so scarce around my part of the country. Why was I riding with the sunroof open during the middle of a work day? I went to lunch with Giggles, Blondie, and Conscious. It was great to have a mid-week catch up.

Once back at work I have been reading thru earlier post on this blog and I am happy to see how far I've come in just a few months. They were filed with reminders of some of the bad day's I've had but also wonderful memories and fun times I'll never forget. It's hard to believe it was only a month ago that I took my trip to the top of the world. In that it feels like such a distant memory. That was really the last time I hung out with Big. I spoke with him once after the cruise, he just wanted to make sure we made it back ok and that I'd had fun. That was over three weeks ago. Vivi, I know your reading this and you should be proud.

Big will always hold a special place in my heart and I'm sure that upon sight of him I will always get butterflies, but I need more. I want more than I think he can give me. Maybe one day, but not right now. Sucks when you give someone a piece of your heart and you know you will never get it back. He's had it for nearly 10 years so I guess it's only fair I let him continue to hold on to it. Over time its hardened so I'm not worried about him being able to break it.

Ok enough for reflecting! Last night I started packing. For the time being I am moving back in with my mom. And for the record I love my mom but I am not looking forward to the move. Why then am I doing it? Well X and I have decided to rent out the house till it sells, cause we really just can't afford it. Which sucks. But gotta do whatcha gotta do. So my plan is to live with mom a few months while I pay off some debt I acquired during our marriage. Then I plan on downsizing to an apartment perhaps. I won't lie I really don't want to move. I wish I had the money to keep the house. But I keep telling myself something better will come along.

Last night the only thing I achieved was packing the belongings within my desk. I made it half way thru when I found a card labeled "To my Wife ~ I love you" this brought me to tears as it reminded me of happy times with X. I also found wedding pictures which brought more tears as I thought back on what I always thought would be the happiest day of my life. I know I've said before and I'll say it again no matter how much time goes by I still miss him. And I really wish it could have worked. But X burned that bridge along time ago. And I am doing so much better on my own. The bad days are becoming fewer and farer in between and will hopefully one day be just a distant memory. But is it ever really that easy? Don't get me wrong I don't want him back. I know I'm better off. I shake my head trying to clear the million things flying through my mind.

Next topic: as of now (2 p.m.) I have still not heard from Fire Guy. I jinxed myself. For sometime I kept things about us to myself. Only share a few details here and there with my friends. After the weekend I thought things were going good so I told Giggles and Vixen of our recent outings. They both were happy I was happy. So apparently by talking about it I have jinxed myself. I mean I have heard from him nearly everyday since our first fishing trip. Maybe he's just busy. May he's decided he's just not that into me. lol Sorry had to say it :) I hope not because I was having fun hanging out with him. Did I see a future? Not really or at least not yet. But that's not what I'm looking for. I just want to be me and have fun in the process!
And that means after work I will open the sunroof and let the warm, fall sunshine in and I will welcome the cool air as it blows through my hair! It's amazing how good a nice day can make you feel.

Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!
~ Desperate Housewives ~