Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Comfort Zone

Sunday Night:
I sat on the couch eating diner over the coffee table as I do most nights when I eat alone. For some reason I just don't see the point of sitting at the dinning room table by myself, a cruel reminder I am eating diner alone. But really I am never alone. Hyper sits at my feet and waits patiently because she knows I always share. I know, I know. It's not good to feed her while I'm eating because it will only entice her to beg, but it has become routine every night we eat diner together. So as I watch a Desperate Housewives episode my phone goes off. It's X. We had spoken earlier in the day but the day was to hectic to make plans. I had relatives in from out of town and prior commitments I had to keep. So in my cold medicine induced haze the day had been a blur. He asked if I had plans for the evening and I told him no. Which was true because I hardly call mine and Hyper's lazy fest plans.

So X came over and we watched a movie. As we sat on the couch he reached over and took my hand. It was so nice. Comfortable. I miss him. I guess it just felt natural. The night went good. And as the second movie ended and he rose to leave the awkwardness of our situation appeared. I mean this is his house. It seems we should be getting ready and going to bed, not me walking him to the door. As he hugged me goodnight I longed for him to stay and for things go back to the way they used to be. But realistically I know we needed the time apart. I feel like I can look at the situation now with the eyes of an adult not the glazed eyes of a child (if that makes sense). We both see the problems and where we went wrong. But now the problem is can it be fixed?

As I closed the door behind him so many thoughts ran thru my mind. The what if's. The questions that we all ask ourselves when in reality we're not sure we want to know the answers. The reality of you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Even with it's imperfections.

So enough with the drama and remorse. I really am not that type of person. Yet lately I seem so...... hhhmmmm...... looking for the right word........ negative perhaps? I'm not the positive person I normally am, just kinda in the gray area. Not really happy, yet not sad - just kinda blah. I got to get out of this funk! I think it has to do with the weather as well. When it's cold I prefer to bundle up and stay inside versus going out. Perhaps I hibernate...... Oh well whatever it is it's time for a change perhaps.

Tonight X and I have paperwork to discuss. We may have found a solution to our house problem in that we may have a buyer. This brings a mix of emotions. The house holds so many good and bad memories. Yet when it's gone it's like our life together is gone to. We have nothing left tying us together. Which is what I wanted there for awhile. Yet now... I don't know. I guess that's part of being a woman... changing your mind constantly!!!! So for now I will take things day by day. And as I drive down the road of life I am still in desperate search for a map. But honestly at this point I'd settle for a Dr. Pepper and a Take 5. :)

Well off to lunch with Blondie. Oh and I do have a slightly funny story involving my Halloween costume that finally came in. I'll try and tell ya that later if I get a chance :)


phoebe said...

great entry. i swear i could have written this myself... as i feel with most of your entries.

a girlfriend of mine told me that you have to follow your heart. so i'm going to pass along some of her wisdom to you. follow your heart. do what feels right, even if it's not the most sensible choice. you only live once.

jwriter said...

Do what feels right and pray about it.