Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mixed Signals & Second Thoughts

Tuesday night Vixen, Giggles, Conscious and myself ventured out into the cold night for diner in celebration of Conscious’s birthday. And the new rule is: if we go to diner at a place that serves alcohol you get a birthday shot, if we go to a place that does not serve alcohol we will have the staff sing you happy birthday. Unfortunately for Conscious she had chose the latter of the two, which caused Giggles to come up with the rule. Needless to say Conscious was embarrassed but we all enjoyed sharing the free birthday ice cream.

Once back home I was getting ready for bed and my phone went off informing me of a new text message. I assumed it was Vivi, Blondie, or Babbles so I continued my bedtime routine. As I climbed into bed I picked up my phone and there was his name. A name I hadn’t seen on my display for almost a month: Fire Guy. I hesitated slightly in surprise, my finger lingering over the read button. I pressed the button and the message read, “So are you alive?” My brow furrowed as I reread the words. I hit reply and said “Yeah…… lol why?” I know, I know not the best reply but I’ll be honest I was a little bit in shock. A minute later my phone went off signaling a reply, “Just checking. Hadn’t talked to you in awhile.” I typed out another reply still wondering what was up. As you can see I always expect ulterior motives. The third message brought the motive to the surface, he asked about X. Apparently even though X and I were telling no one that we were talking the word was out. That’s the thing about a small town even if you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does. I replied vaguely refusing to commit to anything, the response “I just don’t want you get to get hurt! Because you are a good girl!!!!” Pause WTF??!!! This from the guy who pretty much dumped me in a text message with no reason other than ‘this isn’t working’? I guess the pitbull in me came out as I replied with this thought along with a “Besides why do you care?” His response still leaves me confused, “Because I don’t want you to get hurt by him again! Because he does not care about you E! Just follow your heart and it will lead you in the right way!” The conversation continued for sometime after this. Me setting the record straight that I wasn’t sure what was going on with X, which was the truth, and him basically telling me to run as far from X as I can. I should state here that I never bad talked X to Fire Guy. In fact I usually followed any bad statement with ‘he’s really a nice guy’ to which Fire Guy would respond along the lines, “No he’s not he’s a douche bag.” Numerous messages later as we said our good nights the last message of the night read, “I just want what is best for you! And he is not what is best for you! Just follow your heart! Good night!”

I lay awake that night wondering if he was right. I have told all my friends that I don’t want their opinions and that I want to make this decision on my own, with that in mind I don’t really talk to them about the matter. Now here is Fire Guy who is worried about X hurting me again. I still don’t understand why it is that he cares? I mean if it were Big it would make sense he’s always been the, if-I-can’t-have-you-I-don’t-want-anyone-else-to-have-you-type-guy in my life (even when he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want anyone else to have me). Fire Guy has never seemed to be that type however, hence the confusion on my part.

Just when you think you have it all figured out life throws you a curve a ball. I had crushed on Fire Guy and was truly sad when it ended. I mean even now I can distinguish the sound of a fire engine siren, which I couldn’t before because I never paid that much attention, and if one shall pass I look. Do I want to see him or did it just become habit in that short time period? I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to my own question.

The next morning I awoke a million questions still running through my mind. I felt like I had left stuff unsaid the night before and typed out a rather long message in which I sent to Fire Guy, “I’ve thought a lot about what you said. Maybe your right but like I told you before I never believed in divorce I guess I thought that years from now if I knew I’d tried everything I wouldn’t look back with regrets because it wasn’t my fault it didn’t work. But I guess fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. And as far as following my heart goes I don’t think I trust it anymore! anyway thank you and thanks for caring. I appreciate it!” He didn’t reply and I wasn’t surprised.

I’m doing this for myself and the reasons I expressed in the message. I want to know that I tried everything to make it work between X and myself. Up to this point I have regrets and wish I would have addressed the problem at the time. I can’t fix the past but I can learn from it. I want to know that if it doesn’t work with X it’s not because I didn’t try. I don’t want to look back years from now saying coulda, shoulda, woulda. In the morning light though I faced the mirror deciding that I have tried and now I must wait. Days before as a last effort I had suggested marriage counseling. I looked myself in the eye and told myself that if he said no to counseling than I would let him go and once again work on moving on.

Around 5 o’clock I received a message from X reading, “Ok. I want to go talk to someone. U r right about me not opening up and I think that doing that will let us know once and for all if there is anything left. I still feel something for u and since I’m not sure what it is, talking to someone about it may help.”

Will he actually go with me to a counselor? I don’t know. This is X we are talking about and he tends to change his mind, sometimes rather suddenly. This may blow up in my face, or it may be the new beginning of a great romance. Either way I am still taking everything day by day. Not getting my hopes up. I am neither positive nor negative on the situation preferring to stay neutral until the counselor’s appointment is made.

And Fire Guy? I shake my head still in confusion. Yeah my life is definitely shaken not stirred.

“Wouldn’t life be perfect if sweat pants were sexy; Monday’s were fun; junk food didn’t make you fat;
girls didn’t cause so much drama and guys weren’t so confusing; nothing was regrettable;
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.”
~ Unknown ~

No comments: