Thursday, October 2, 2008


Just like normal this morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm. Zombie like I walked to the door Hyper behind me stretching and yawning along the way. I open the door to let her out, at this point she is bouncing excited to get outside. As the chilly morning air hits us she turns and runs back to her bed. Yes, it is plain cold out this morning!

So today I'm a little perturbed. It's Thursday and still no word from Fire Guy. We rented 3 movies Sunday and didn't get to watch all of them and we had planned on watching the rest of them this week. Perhaps out of frustration last night I sent a text asking if he wanted to watch the rest of the movies. No reply. So today I am a) slightly pissed b) confused c) well maybe there is no c..... refer back to points a and b.

And why is it when the guy is into you and you have the upper hand you can be nonchalant. At least I'm that way. Maybe it's because I like a challenge. I always want the guy I think I can't have (example Big). So today I am rehashing my "relationship"/"what-ever-you-call-it" with Fire Guy. Things seemed to be going good. I mean Sunday night we were eating with his family. His dad and step-mom were in conversation and he turns to me and says low enough for only me to hear. "What to go rent a movie?" I reply something along the lines of yes. He then says, "well how bout we stop by the house. I'll pick up my work clothes and just stay the night with you tonight." It was his idea to stay therefor I can't be accused of coming on to strong. Monday morning we were both getting ready in a hurry seeing as we slept in as long as we could. Before we left he hugged me and told me I smelled delicious (his words not mine). And that was it ~ all she wrote.

I go back to that I jinxed myself and you know I'm ok with the fact he may just not be that into me. But I would like to know what changed? Did an ex come back into the picture? Did he decide I have to much going on now with my own X? And watch me bitch about all this and then hear from him and then I will feel bad about having wrote all this. Shrug of shoulders Oh well.

With moving, rejection, memories of the past, ect. I have been on an emotional roller coaster this week. And last night in my crying frenzy (I'm sad it's my last week in the house), I started thinking about when X and I first got married. The happy times we had in the house; decorating for fall, getting our first Christmas tree, snuggling up on those cold fall nights. I miss it. I miss him. If I haven't stated before I was the one who ended our relationship. It was best for me. But everyone keeps telling me it will get easier and I feel like I have the right to say they are full of shit. I mean months have gone by but its not any easier. The only thing is now I remember the good stuff and tend to forget the bad. And with X it was not all bad, but in our relationship I lost who I was. I know that 2 parts become 1 within a marriage. But that is 50/50 with X and I it was more 90/10. Wait that made me think of the 90/10 rule so let me change that to 91/9. There that's better. I have tried moving on and testing the waters with a friends-with-benefits type of relationship with Big and a dating with Fire Guy. But in the back of my mind X was always there. How long will he be there? Will he ever really go away?

And then I did something I never should have done. As tears streamed down my face I picked up my phone and dialed his number. It was a weak moment. He didn't answer. I hung up. He texted later. I knew he was out of town doing military test. He told me how they were going. And the messages went back and forth friendly. It was good to hear from him. Maybe I'm just missing him as a friend? I mean he was there for so many major events of my life. Nobody will ever be able to replace that. He was there when I graduated college, he was there thru dad's cancer helping to haul hay when Mom and I couldn't do it, he was there rubbing my back as dad took his last breath. He held my hand during the memorial and was literally my voice when I couldn't speak.

But he was also the one who cussed me like a dog in front of our friends and at times literally made me want to go jump off a bridge. How can somebody take you from one extreme to the other so quickly? Ok maybe I've ranted/vented/contemplated enough for today.

I will chalk Fire Guy up as my X rebound. A great first date. And he will be the first chapter of my new life. I will consider him a stepping stone toward better things yet to come.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back
together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it.
But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody
who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

~ He's Just Not That Into You ~

1 comment:

jwriter said...

This was a good post. I felt like I was on that rollercoaster as I read through it. I know I'm late, but it sometimes easier for me to read at a later date instead of rushing to keep up with newer post. Anyway great post.