Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Open the Sunroof

As I cranked my 4runner the first thing I did was slide on my sunglasses and open the sunroof. It is one of those perfect fall days out. Perfect for riding with the windows down. That is if gas wasn't so scarce around my part of the country. Why was I riding with the sunroof open during the middle of a work day? I went to lunch with Giggles, Blondie, and Conscious. It was great to have a mid-week catch up.

Once back at work I have been reading thru earlier post on this blog and I am happy to see how far I've come in just a few months. They were filed with reminders of some of the bad day's I've had but also wonderful memories and fun times I'll never forget. It's hard to believe it was only a month ago that I took my trip to the top of the world. In that it feels like such a distant memory. That was really the last time I hung out with Big. I spoke with him once after the cruise, he just wanted to make sure we made it back ok and that I'd had fun. That was over three weeks ago. Vivi, I know your reading this and you should be proud.

Big will always hold a special place in my heart and I'm sure that upon sight of him I will always get butterflies, but I need more. I want more than I think he can give me. Maybe one day, but not right now. Sucks when you give someone a piece of your heart and you know you will never get it back. He's had it for nearly 10 years so I guess it's only fair I let him continue to hold on to it. Over time its hardened so I'm not worried about him being able to break it.

Ok enough for reflecting! Last night I started packing. For the time being I am moving back in with my mom. And for the record I love my mom but I am not looking forward to the move. Why then am I doing it? Well X and I have decided to rent out the house till it sells, cause we really just can't afford it. Which sucks. But gotta do whatcha gotta do. So my plan is to live with mom a few months while I pay off some debt I acquired during our marriage. Then I plan on downsizing to an apartment perhaps. I won't lie I really don't want to move. I wish I had the money to keep the house. But I keep telling myself something better will come along.

Last night the only thing I achieved was packing the belongings within my desk. I made it half way thru when I found a card labeled "To my Wife ~ I love you" this brought me to tears as it reminded me of happy times with X. I also found wedding pictures which brought more tears as I thought back on what I always thought would be the happiest day of my life. I know I've said before and I'll say it again no matter how much time goes by I still miss him. And I really wish it could have worked. But X burned that bridge along time ago. And I am doing so much better on my own. The bad days are becoming fewer and farer in between and will hopefully one day be just a distant memory. But is it ever really that easy? Don't get me wrong I don't want him back. I know I'm better off. I shake my head trying to clear the million things flying through my mind.

Next topic: as of now (2 p.m.) I have still not heard from Fire Guy. I jinxed myself. For sometime I kept things about us to myself. Only share a few details here and there with my friends. After the weekend I thought things were going good so I told Giggles and Vixen of our recent outings. They both were happy I was happy. So apparently by talking about it I have jinxed myself. I mean I have heard from him nearly everyday since our first fishing trip. Maybe he's just busy. May he's decided he's just not that into me. lol Sorry had to say it :) I hope not because I was having fun hanging out with him. Did I see a future? Not really or at least not yet. But that's not what I'm looking for. I just want to be me and have fun in the process!
And that means after work I will open the sunroof and let the warm, fall sunshine in and I will welcome the cool air as it blows through my hair! It's amazing how good a nice day can make you feel.

Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!
~ Desperate Housewives ~

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