Wednesday, October 8, 2008

To Follow Your Heart or Your Head?

Lately in my depressed - why me - glass half empty - mood I apologize for being less than entertaining and more like a whiny brat. I promise I am not always like this way. I'm usually glass half full kinda girl. And I'm sure that girl will return soon. But in the meantime..... Fall has seemed to be a time for reflection. With the changing season I have re-evaluated the changes in my life that I have made over the year. Up until this point in my life I am happy to say I have never had any regrets. But looking back I seem to regret pretty much this whole year. Hindsight being 20/20 there are so many things I should have done differently. X is not perfect, nor was he ever but perhaps in the fight or flight instinct I chose flight to quickly verses the fight to make it work. I do believe everything happens for a reason just sometimes the reasons aren't as clear as we would like them to be. The past week I have spent a lot of time really analyzing our relationship with no outside factors. And I started a pro's and con's list (thank you Friends). If X could stop drinking the pro's by far out number the con's. Am I crazy?

Last night I curled up to watch SATC season 3 the episode on was Easy Come, Easy Go in it Carrie questions, "When it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?" That is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately......... and I still don't know the answer. My heart wishes X and I could have a second chance. I think the separation has done us both good and has helped us both to grow and perhaps appreciate what we did have. And I think we both have learned from our mistakes. The military will be good for him I do believe. The other night he asked me if we ever did give it a second chance if I would move with him. He's not sure where yet he will be assigned but both Italy and Ireland are possibilities. My heart answered before my head could think about it. I said yes. Are you surprised?

So since then I have done a lot of soul searching. Maybe I had to get away from X to appreciate him more and vice versa. If I told my friends my thought on second chances I am sure they would think I was crazy. And I can't blame them. I mean hell I've done nothing but bad mouth X for the past few months even though deep down I've always loved him, just easier to move on if your mad. I've also made some decisions that I am not proud of and really wish I could take back. Big being the main one. Never thought I'd say it but I almost hope I never see him again. He has and probably always will be nothing but trouble. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. There will be no third time. How could I have been so stupid and so blind? Yes, he is fun but that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. A mistake. A moment of weakness. A false light at the end of the tunnel. Turns out it wasn't the way out but a train! lol

As if on cue my mood ring Vixen called while I was contemplating all of this and like usual she gave her sound advice. She said if I love him and want to give it a second chance go for it. Do whatever it takes. Make sacrifices. Put yourselves first, she told me. I asked if I was crazy. She told me no or maybe yes and that's why we get along. But then she told me no matter what she would love and support my decision. She couldn't tell me what was right or wrong because she doesn't have to live my life. Yeah thru thick and thin. She's the best. I told her about X asking if I would move with him. She said it may be good for both of us to get away from the small town drama and she could always come visit. Could I live without seeing her every week? Or Vivi, Blondie, Giggles and Conscious?

But thus far I have always lived my life trying to please everyone else. From my parents, to my friends, to my co-workers. Maybe it's my turn. Maybe I need to start living for me? So many questions. As I ponder the idea of starting over somewhere new. I checked my daily tarot card reading at MSN and this is what I got ~ the foreign language part kinda freaked me out:

October 8, 2008

Tarot reading for E:

Love: Justice
Touchstone: The Empress
Career: The World

This is what characterizes your romantic life today: equilibrium! Sustained by the Empress and Justice, you leave nothing to chance in your emotional relationships today, dear E… You’re prepared to listen, you show affection, you give advice – you put plenty of energy into creating a cordial environment where everyone feels at ease. And that’s marvelous! If you work in the communications industry, this is a day to watch out for. Your powers of persuasion and your innate talent for diplomacy are reinforced by the union of the World and the Empress. It’s not impossible that you may be offered an opportunity abroad, so today’s the day to dust off your old foreign language textbooks and do a bit of revision – it might pay off!

Chandler: [after doing a list of Rachel's pros and cons] "All right, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?"
Ross: "She's not Rachel."
~ Friends ~


Cayman's Girl said...

Wow! The tarot reading is crazy! I am a follow your heart girl! and have moved to another country with/for a guy before - i never regretted it! Ok we didnt work out (not sayin you and ex wont) but either way i am so happy i did it and im a small town girl too! things are a whole lot different once your out of it! You and Ex could have a completely different experience! And thank you for the lovely comment on my "lost" post - it made me feel a whole lot better to know what im feeling about work is normal!

jwriter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jwriter said...

First let me say having a good friend is always a good thing. And it sounds like you have a great friend. We never know what to do in situations of love. Your head and your heart can both steer you in the wrong direction. Hindsight to me is somewhat worthless; well at least for the past it is cause you can't change it. You weighed the pro's and con's but honestly you may have to make your decision based on not if he will change but if he doesn't can you LOVE him through it? Are you willing to try it again based not on the assumption that he will change or you can change him (ha so funny that we think we can change a person, only God can do that), but on the realization that he may have more cons than pros, but you will love him regardless. Of course I don't mean to settle for less or settle for being mistreated so you won't be alone, but to accept that in love somethings go easier than others. Let me just say that it is important especially when we're in a depressed mood not to make decisions to hasty. But to think them through and remember why we left in the first place. I know they say take risk in love and no love is so great without a challenge, but still we have to use wisdom and think before acting. But if you've done all this and you are SURE you can love him for better or for worse (Jesus that's a serious vow) then do it with no regrets, with no past, with a clean slate, and face it together, open honest, and loving. Marriage can work! Relationships can work! We just have to communicate, be honest, and put love into action. (Sorry for the sermon) :) ;) I'm a man who loves realistic happy endings, but happy endings none the less.

phoebe said...

i'm a little behind... sorry!

parts of this entry, i swear you were reading my mind! i could have written the same thing. good luck with whatever you choose. just know that your true friends will support you in whatever decision you make. you just have to be happy.