Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye 2008

Dear 2008,

Unlike the years that have come and gone before I am not sad to see you go. Rather I am anxious for you to be gone, looking forward to when you will be just a distant memory. I don't mean to sound harsh but let's face it our 366 day spin around the earth has been complicated from the get go to say the least.

During your time in my life I lost friends that were to young to be called home to Heaven. I was awakened to the real qualities that had always existed behind the pretty front of the person that I had once seen as the love of my life. I ended the life I had known and become all to familiar with for the past seven years. I discovered a skeleton in my closet ~ feelings for which I thought no longer existed. I made mistakes. I was hurt, and I hurt others. My heart was broken, my life was turned upside down, and so many tears were shed over things that were not within my power to change.

But alas not all of our days were bad, were they? I have some fond memories, memories I will forever cherish of our time together. Days of laughter, times spent with close friends, adventures that made me feel young and alive. Yes, we did have some fun times.

Unfortunately though you will always be thought of as perhaps one of the worst years of my life thus far. At 11:59 p.m. tonight I will smile one last smile for you as I bid you farewell. For this next year I am determined to make good. With you I will leave my broken heart and the linger of empty promises. Thanks to you I am wiser and no longer will I allow myself to be won over by a sly smile and sugar coated words. You have helped to harden me to what can be a cruel world, but deep down the trusting hopeless romantic remains.

I have learned lessons that I know I needed to learn but at the same time I wish I never would have. You stole some of my naive -ness ~ weather that is good or bad I'm still trying to figure out.

I will not drag this out any longer, our time together painful enough. I do owe you a thank you, as hard as it is to admit, thank you for helping me to become me again and for teaching me that it is ok to put myself first every now and then. For that I will forever be grateful.


Monday, December 29, 2008

The Last Night

Sunday was spent packing, moving boxes ~and you guessed it ~ more packing! Yes after much procrastinating I am getting all my stuff out of the house. As I walked thru the house my footsteps echoing from the emptiness, I couldn't help recall the happy memories X and I had shared in our first home. But also to easily recalled the bad moments to as my eyes came upon a hole in the wall, a mishap from a drunken X falling against a piece of furniture. A hole he had promised to fix but nearly a year later the hole remains, perhaps significant of the hole that was also in our relationship that he never got around to repairing either. Yep slightly ironic I guess.

After several trips only a few stray boxes littered the floor. The house was empty of all personal items the only thing remaining was the appliances, the borrowed kitchen table, the futon, the coffee table, the small TV from the bedroom, and the stereo. Nearly done Vivi and I decide it was time for a much needed food break. On our trip to town we reminisce about our fun nights over the previous seven months in the house. We can't go out like this, we decide. It's just not right. We have to have one last in the house..... I mean heck might as well try to finish off some of the stuff in the liquor cabinet that has acquired over the past months. We weigh our options: Vodka, Cruzan Raspberry Rum, Cruzan Mango Rum, Malibu Coconut Rum, Malibu Passion Fruit Rum, Crown, and 2 bottles of wine. Did I mention I can make some kick ass mixed drinks with Rum?

We pick our poison and figure Vodka is the way to go. Vivi calls Vixen who quickly agrees to the proposed drunken stooper. We hit the store in search of something to mix with the Vodka and stumble upon Strawberry-Kiwi juice. Why we thought this was a good idea I'll never know. But with the Blender lost somewhere in box land there would be no frozen drinks in our future.

We arrive back at the house to find Vixen with a devilish grin on her face as she produces the infamous red cups. I shake my head knowing I'm in for a long night. Now think - we spent all day moving everything out of the house only to then move back blankets and pillows and the items I would need to get ready the next morning.

As I mixed the first round of potion Vivi and Vixen set up the table for beer pong. Don't know why but we've been on a kick lately..... yes while at the store we bought ping pong balls. The stereo is turned on and we laugh as we go thru old Cd's listening to songs I hadn't heard since High School. As we play the game it is apparent we are on a mission and that mission is to say good bye to the house with a night we may not remember. At one point some of the concoction spills on my always mopped floor and I don't even flinch. Normally the clean freak in me would have been all over that with the swifter mop all ready out. But somehow I have come to grasp it's no longer my house and don't feel the urge to try and keep it perfect.

The conversations are interesting as we discuss our choices in men. In that we all have a pattern of dating the wrong guys. Why is that? Why do we go for the guys with the asshole attitudes? Why do we go for the guys we know will break our hearts? I mean I'll admit even though I myself have always been viewed by others as the 'good girl', I always date the guys that have a reputation for being a little bit trouble (maybe that's the right word?). I like the type of guy who is a little ruff around the edges and not afraid to get his hands dirty, but at the same time can clean up and look nice to...... Heck PL, X, and Big can all fall into this pattern - even Fire Guy for that matter. Perhaps I need to break the pattern...... but some habits are hard to break.

The games go by quickly and before I know it I'm stumbling as I lay the futon out. Vivi places the air mattress also in the living room and we blow it up laughing all the while at each other. It's after midnight, the vodka is gone and so is one bottle of rum (just to point out they were not full bottles to start with) and my head is spinning. I quickly fall asleep and have that great sleep you can only have when you have reached a certain level ~ you know that peaceful, dreamless sleep.

All to soon my alarm sounds. My head pounds as I switch it off and head for the bathroom. Yeah I had to be at work this morning..... Vivi and Vixen had off. I now see the error of this late thought out plan. And for all you math people beer pong - beer + vodka = bad idea. Why it ever sounded like a good idea I may never know. I'll chalk it up to adrenaline rush euphoria excitement.

My head pounded, the room was spinning, and my stomach churned as I attempted my morning routine. I contemplated calling in sick. Something I have never done when hung over because honestly I really don't drink that much (at least to the point I feel this bad the next day). This morning calling in sick was definitely an option. But I sucked it up and headed for work stopping at the gas station for my normal cure all of pretzels and Dr Pepper. Last night it was fun to be young and carefree. It was great to be with two of my best friends. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed that much. The last night in the house. I may not remember all the moments but I will never forget the laughter. It's always good to end things on a good note.

"Were we all, in fact, just dating the same person over and over again?"
~ Carrie, SATC ~


Blondie, Blondie. Bless her heart ~ I'm from the south it's required I say that every once in awhile ~ Since meeting her BF and falling helplessly head over heals she has decided that basically I am her new project. In that she is determined to set me up.

Saturday night Vixen, Vivi and myself, after weeks of turning down the invitation, finally agree to attend a gathering at Blondie's BF's house. Hesitantly I walk thru the front door not sure what trap will lay ahead of me. Why am I against the setups? Well for starters Blondie's only requirement appears to be that the guy is single and somewhat attractive. This theory held true as I am introduced to BF's little brother, after which she whispers in my year "He's single!"

"He's twelve," is the thought that runs through my mind but I bite my tongue and just smile as Vixen hands me a beer. I then learn that BF's little bro is 21 - maybe....... 21???!!!! No, no, no. Note to self: Don't ever agree to blind date that Blondie suggests. BF quickly brings out the cups and the beer pong table is assembled. As Vixen and I take our places in preparation of the first game the front door opens and in comes more of BF's friends. Amongst them is another guy that I am quickly told by Blondie is single. As I study the newest trap I realize me and her have to have a talk. He doesn't look twelve..... I mean he could at least pass for..... eighteen. Vivi just giggles giving me that 'better you than me look' as she raises her beer in a silent toast ~ I in turn shoot a 'go to hell look' back at her, mentally counting down till I can make my escape from juvi-hell.

I am not ungrateful at the fact she is trying to do, what is seen as in her eyes, a good deed. But I am not desperate by any means nor am I ready to just jump the first single, decent guy that comes along. I mean for starters the youngest I will go is twenty-four. Seeing as I'm newly twenty-six I think that's reasonable. Right? And age really is just a number but I'm ready for a guy not a boy so it all depends on how you act..... and if after two beers you appear to have a decent buzz you may be to young. lol

Seeing as I plan on making the forty minute drive home I exchanged the beer for Dr. Pepper early on in the night. At 11:30 I decided I had paid my dues and made my goodbyes eager to get home to Hyper and Twilight. Yes, day after Christmas I entered the dreaded Wal-Mart and fought the crowd just to buy that one book. Was it worth it? Hell yes! I am so addicted!

"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"
~ Edward, Twilight ~

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Starting Over Ally

I have stumbled upon perhaps the male version of my blog...... kinda scary.... didn't know such a thing existed! As I read thru his posts I was amazed by some of his stories, but like myself he is starting over after a failed attempt at a relationship. The insight into perhaps a guys mind is... well.... interesting to say the least. Whereas I tend to be a little more discrete at times, he is really open and honest it seems about pretty much everything. Even down to the fact that it seems he may not have had sex in two years (if I understood correctly). I honestly did not know that that was possible for a guy, and from his partial picture he appears to be a fairly good looking guy....... So two years?? Really??

My magic number is not that high (in that I can still count my conquest, we shall say, on one hand) and yet I don't know if I could go two years..... I just realized I haven't even made it two months.....

Ok anyway enough about me. Check out his Blog :)

Samantha, "Men aren't that complicated. They're kind of like plants."
~ Sex and the City ~

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I think I'm in love. Ok perhaps I should explain.... After doing the family Christmas stuff Vixen, Blondie and myself met up to go see a movie. Vixen wanted to see Twilight (she has already seen it but wanted Blondie and I to see it). Personally I wanted to see Marley & Me, The Spirit or Valkyrie. I am very much an action movie type girl and I really wasn't in the mood to go watch a love story that was guaranteed to make me hate life. But Vixen had heard the dog dies in Marley & Me and with the recent passing of her own four legged friend we decided this would not be a good movie for her to see.

With that settled I reluctantly handed over $9.50 for a ticket to Twilight. I'll admit I was a little skeptical prepared to sit thru what was sure to be a cheesy love story that would leave me rolling my eyes and wanting to gag. As I watched the movie unfold on screen I found my self being dragged into the story line. Having taken several film classes in college I feel that I have the right to say the movie was well shot and had an intriguing story line; overall it was captivating. It left me wanting more! As a viewer ~ or perhaps I should restate ~ as a female viewer you can't help but fall in love Edwin.

Do guys like that exist? He is so sweet, so caring, so affectionate, so considerate..... and the looks he gives Bella. You can't help but sigh. Cause I mean lets be real and admit it ~ That is what every girl wants. To be swept off her feet and be hopelessly head over heals in love. As I watched Edward take Bella in his harms to dance with her in his room I can't help let my mind drift to Big. It reminded me of us. Heck no more than a week ago it was us as we danced in his kitchen to a slow song on the radio.

As Vixen and I rode home we discussed the movie and debated weather a love like that existed. We then went back to blaming Disney and movies like this for giving girls false hope about relationships and love. I won't lie, I want a love like that. But after being broken I don't know if I will ever trust someone that much without always having the fear of doubt in the back of my mind. The doubt that will keep you from getting to close for fear of being hurt. I grew silent watching the headlights pass on the road wondering if I had made a mistake with Big. Did I give up to soon? Or had I hung on to long as it was?

Either way I know first thing tomorrow I will be out buying the book. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!

Isabella Swan, "You can't leave me!"
Edward Cullen, "Shh... Where else would I go?" [he leans in to kiss her forehead]
~ Twilight ~

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Christmas Gift

Last night as Hyper and I sat at home trying to finish last minute Christmas stuff I received the best Christmas gift I could have ever received. Mom has a bunch of VHS tapes of us from horse shows from over the years and I had decided that for Christmas I was going to try to transfer these to DVD for her. I sat in front of the recorder trying to comprehend the directions on which of the million buttons to push and in which order to make it actually do what I wanted it to do. I then glanced thru the tapes that I had taken from Mom's when one catches my eye. It's not one I recognize. It's not labeled with a show name or location. Or a specific horse's name as most of them are. It simply reads "XXX Trip". Curiously I put it in and press play. The Eagle Mountain Stables appears as the cameraman walks down the hall of the barn. I realize this must be a copy of tape from the trip some friends from WWWW had made when they were up visiting. I almost pressed stop but then one of my favorite horses from growing up appears on the screen.

My finger lingered over the stop button, my attention captivated as the camera panned to my Dad and Guy trying to catch one our young cows. Others appear and I laugh at the antics of so many people trying to catch this calf, Dad's voice barking orders from someplace off screen. Then dad turns and gives his classic look of shrugging his shoulders while smiling and slightly rolling his eyes. I was used to that look. This was the look he always gave when someone wasn't doing something the way he had told them to do it, when in reality if it were done his way the task would be complete. I hate to admit it but alot of times I did things the hard way when perhaps I should have just done it his way.

Then the camera cuts off and when it comes back on Dad is sitting there playing the guitar. For two years Mom and I have said we wished we had a recording of Dad playing his guitar, neither of us realizing this tape existed. For two years we have called friends that were at horse shows with us hoping one of them had a tape of everyone after the show gathered around while Dad played. We had never found one.

Then all of a sudden its later in the day and it is only Dad and myself on the screen. You can hear every ones voices as they are gathered in the living room talking and deep in conversations. In the kitchen oblivious to everyone else I sit on a bar stool at the counter and Dad is standing across from me. He is playing the guitar and both of us are singing. Its obvious we don't know we are being filmed. As I watch I can't help but to start crying. After two years I had nearly forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I had this special father daughter moment on tape and it meant more to me than any gift I could have received.

Mom and I have watched all those tapes several times over the past few years; laughing at Dad at the horse shows enjoying just being able to see him. How had this tape been overlooked for so long? It was right there with the rest of them. How come I had never seen it, or even remembered seeing it's label? As strange as it may sound I think this was my Christmas present from Dad this year. And it's the greatest gift I have ever received.

Christmas isn't about gifts, or material items. The best gifts in life are free. I hope you all have a magical Christmas.

Phoebe, "Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined."
Chandler, (Flattered) "Aw."
Phoebe, "Now give me my real gift."
~ Friends ~

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Drink Time

So I have not had a Dr Pepper in almost 24 hours. Yes 24 whole hours so my nerves are on end. This week I am working in our other office out of town. This office has a vending machine so instead of stopping at a gas station this morning I figured I'd just get one out of it. So I get my money out and purposefully I head for the machine. I can see the Dr. Pepper beckoning to me. But wait where the hell is the coin slot? I see the dollar slot but no coin...... So at the top right I see the directions and place my money in and insert the knob then reach my hand for the Dr. Pepper button. I hear something drop.... Chex Mix??? WTF ok now I see my error in my haste for the Dr Pepper crack goodness I didn't realize each item has its own coin slot.... ggggrrrr back to purse to count out more change..... insert coins..... click..... clunk clunk clunk...... sounding of popping top! Ahhhh nothing like that first hit of the day! lol

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Party

Saturday morning began with the walk of shame per say as I exited Punk-Rock-Chick's car and headed for the front door of Vixen's house. My cute outfit from the night before now reeked of club smells and I longed to exchange it for a shower and sweat pants. My heals clicked on the hardwood floors as I made my way into the house. At this point I still didn't have a plan of action. Did I apologize for the previous night? Or did I act like it never happened? In the 11 years Vixen had been my best friend this was only the second disagreement to occur.... the first some 9 years ago a distant memory and unrelateable to the current one. I find Vivi and Vixen gathered around the small screen of the computer transfixed by the movie in front of them. Timidly I enter the large walk in closet and rummage in my overnight bag for the sweatpants and sweatshirt I know it contains. Never had I been more happy to change clothes nor in more of a hurry. I slid on my shoes as I walked thru the house gathering up my stuff. I was at a loss for words I didn't know what to say. I said I was going home to shower and get Hyper and that I would meet them at the Christmas party. Absentmindedly I ask where my cooler is. Vixen's face falls as she tells me about her now ex BF coming over that morning to move the rest of his stuff out. I can see it in her eyes. She wants to cry. She needs to cry. I tell her its ok to cry and as a tear slides down her face I hug her, just holding her and letting her cry. I don't mention the previous night and neither does she. Maybe some things are best to be forgotten.

Later that evening Hyper and I ventured out into the pouring rain to attend the Christmas party. This year we were having it at Nurse-Betty's house; another high school friend that I have always been close with but due to different life events we have drifted apart some over the past year. I arrive at the house along with Giggles and her BF a little after 7. Hyper is quickly off to greet all the guests happy to be the center of attention. Diner is served, drinks are poured, gifts our opened and then let the games begin! In attendance were: Nurse Betty and husband, Giggles and BF, Blondie and her BF, High School friend, and husband, Vivi, Vixen, and myself. We started off with a little Beer Pong ~ Team Vivi and E a force to be reckoned with.

Then thru the door walks Big, Don Juan, Guy Friend and another guy friend ~ they had been invited but everyone had doubted they would actually make an appearance. But after last night I assumed Big would show up only for the soul fact to torture me and.... well the universe is just that fair. A girl also arrives with them but it is not obvious which in the group she is with. I, always one to the bigger person, smiled and introduced myself ~ I think I was perhaps the only one to do so. Giggles, who is not much for outsiders, throws a snide remark out about this newest victim's age asking which one is robbing the cradle now. At this point none of my friends know about the conversations between Big and I the night before. Honestly I don't really tell my friends that much about the two of us. I prefer to keep it to myself (well except Vivi who reads this therefor knows all my secrets).

Hyper runs to greet the new arrivals and Big greets her with this funny voice he always talks to her in. She excitedly jumps around his feet as he bends down to pet her. Then he glances up at me, we make eye contact. He smiles. I smile. Then I quickly look away. I am embarrassed/humiliated. If this girl came with him I am slightly appalled. I know I shouldn't care but as I caught the glances that were exchanged between my friends I'll admit I felt like a fool. But I know Big and I'm no stranger to this game or how his mind works. The beer pong resumes and I must say Vivi was on fire! I sat out vowing that tonight I would go home to my on bed, and lets face it a few drinks and we all know I would have went home with him. But I meant the words I said the night before and I vowed to stand by them..... at least for the time being that is.

Nurse-Betty claims me as a partner for the next round and we are matched up against Vixen and Nurse-Betty's husband. It was a close game but of course I am the champ and my team wins. After this game I decide to sit out the rest of the night and watch from the sidelines. Imagine my surprise when Vixen and Big decide to team up together for the next round. Now Vixen will never admit but I always suspect that deep down she's not a Big fan. But I am happy to see them laughing together as the game begins.

The night goes on and we decide to head outside so that the smokers of the group can have a smoke-break (I am not one of them but follow anyway). As we head to the door Vixen has enough beer in her to be blunt and asks this new girl which of the guys she is with. I am behind them as we make our way up the stairs and try to contain my laughter from the shocked look on the girls face as she laughs and replies none of them. Vixen retorts, "Ok good," and walks off apparently happy with this answer. I shake my head and continue out the door.

I take a seat and Big comes up and takes the seat opposite me. He attempts conversation as Hyper curls up in my lap. It is still early in the night but I know its time for me to go. I gather my stuff and Hyper's many requirements. I swear it's like having a kid as I collect her bed, toys, bone, food bowl, and blanket. I make my rounds saying my good byes. I come to Big and tell him bye. "Your leaving?" He stands up, hugs me and tells me to be careful as he pets Hyper goodbye.

On the way to the car Giggles is fuming at the possibility that this girl could have been there with Big. I laugh at her telling her that its really ok and tell her simply that I told him I just wanted to be friends. She stops short, "Well why didn't you tell me that? I've been giving him the eat shit and die look all night?" She laughs and I can't help but laugh with her. As I climbed in the car I let the fake smile slide from my face. Was I really ok if he was with another girl? I had made the decision therefor I had to be.

A few months ago I would have probably been devastated. But that's the funny thing about growing up. You realize you have to be happy with yourself before you can ever begin to be happy with someone else. And right now I am happy with myself in that I will never again settle for less than I deserve. This journey has had its bumps in the road I admit but if I've learned anything I've learned I can make it on my own. I make my own fate. If Big and I are meant to be it'll be and if not that's ok cause I'm doing just fine on my own. After all I've made it this far.

Side note ~ The next day (Sunday) Vixen, Vivi, and myself ventured out to do a little Christmas shopping.

The first question I was asked was, "Where did you sleep last night?"
Confused I reply, "In my bed."
"Well we were taking bets," Vivi admits from the front seat.

"Bets?" I ask having a pretty good idea where this questioning was headed.
"Yep the guys left right after you did and we were guessing you probably stayed the night with Big," Vixen responds.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Just Dance

Where do I start? I guess the beginning is always the best place... this weekend was: crazy, hectic, interesting, and full of surprises ~ to name a few.

It all started Friday....

I was at Vixen's getting ready for a night out and enjoying a mixed drink while I got ready and we waited on Vivi to arrive. We were going out for Vivi's birthday and at this point Vivi thought it was just going to be the three of us. But she was in for a surprise.... hence the reason I had avoided her calls as much as possible this week! I am a terrible, terrible liar and with my close friends I always crack under pressure! So as we left the house I was already feeling a little giggly from the rum. We arrived at the restaurant to be seen to our table where we were met by a group full of friends. Vivi acted surprised but I know she could tell we were up to something.... but she seemed to have a good time and that's all that matters!

As I sat eating diner and trying to sober up my cell phone went off. Big had been invited to come and I had talked to him before I left Vixen's and he acted like he wasn't going to make it. To my surprise he said that he was on his way and asked we wait on him at the restaurant. The night passed quickly as we finished our meals and those of us that were going out afterwards piled in cars heading south. We arrived at the club where Vixen and Vivi grabbed drinks and we headed for the dance floor. Things were going good and we were having a great time. As we danced the guys (Big and his three friends) sat on the sidelines drinking beer and probably laughing at us. Then the band changed pace as they started up a slow song. I took Big's hand, giving him little choice but to join me on the dance floor. As he took me in his arms and pulled me against him I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest. Sometimes a girl just wants you to take her in your arms and dance. I am one of those of girls. And unfortunately or fortunately Big is one of those guys. No matter where we are, at his house or at club, if a slow song comes on he will always take me in his arms and dance with me. That's one of those little things I guess I love about him. At the end of the song he dipped me then swept me off my feet in a hug before he lowered me once again to the ground.

He returned to the table while Vivi, Vixen, Girl Friend, and I continued to dance the night away.

Somewhere in the mix of this the camera was pulled out to snap some shots so Vivi could remember her "half-way-to-fifty" mark. Well I took a self portrait of myself and Vixen which was not flattering, I won't lie. So Vixen demands I delete it, which I do, but not without laughing about it first. Normally she would laugh as well but apparently post-break-up emotions plus beer equals overreacting. And in my still slightly buzzed state I was perhaps not as understanding as I should have been. I hate drama. And normally Vivi and I do a damn good job of avoiding it! We may skit around the outskirts of it at times but we are usually far from the eye of the storm. Friday night I did not fair so well as I was sucked into the midst. This and my stubbornness landed me in quite a predicament. I told Vixen if she was going to be hateful I was going to go home with Girl Friend who was with us. Vixen told me to give her the car keys. We weren't in my car. To avoid this type of situation this is always why I normally drive. But of course this has never happened before and would only happen one of the rare times I don't drive my car. So as Vixen and Vivi leave I sit on my stool fighting the urge to cry. Guy Friend (he was the one at Big's the other night I also referred to as friend if he makes more appearances I'll give him a name ~ he has been a friend for along time but is a minor character and I hate to come up with so many names and confuse everyone!), anyway, Guy Friend takes a seat beside me and asks me if Vixen and Vivi just left me. I nod my head, still kinda shocked. He asks how I'm getting home. I know realize my stupidity in that I am a good seventy miles from home. I tell him I'm going home with Girl Friend who lives about ten minutes from the club. Guy Friend tells me I can ride back with them.

At this point I start to weigh my options. Do I a) go home with Girl Friend and then worry about how to get home in the morning or b) catch a ride home with the guys tonight? I weigh my options:

a) If I go home with Girl Friend she will have to give me a ride home tomorrow which is an hour drive there and hour drive back for her.

b) If I ride home with the guys I can sleep in my own bed (which is a plus) but I worry Vixen will be mad thinking I wanted to go home with them all along (which was not true! I wanted to go home with her and Vivi, sleep in the next morning, then the three of us spend the day together before the Christmas party. But I know Vixen and I know how she thinks).

I sigh feeling damned if I do damned if I don't. If I choose option a, Girl Friend will be inconvenienced with taking me home the next day ~ if I choose b Vixen may be more mad then she possibly already is. By this time Big has returned to the table and is also surprised Vixen and Vivi had left. He says they are ready to go as well and asks if I'm coming with them or not. I look over my shoulder to where Girl Friend stands at the bar being hit on by a guy she obviously knows and then I realize if I stay I may encounter an option c that involves me going with Girl Friend back to some random (to me) guy's house............ This was it decision time. And then I asked myself, "what do I want to do?" The answer was clear. I wanted to go home.
I hugged Girl Friend bye with promises I would let her know when I arrived home. You would think this was the end of the night. Shake of head. It wasn't. I climbed into the backseat of the truck between Guy Friend and Big and the suggestion of Waffle House is brought up. Everyone knows Waffle House is always best after midnight and a few drinks. Apparently that's why there is one located conveniently across the street from the club. As we pull into the parking lot my phone rings, it's Vixen, I answer ~ she yells ~ I hang up. I know real mature. But if I'm already aggravated/hurt yelling at me is not the way to go. I was yelled at for to many years by X and I told myself never again would I allow anyone to yell at me. If you can't talk to me in a reasonable fashion than I really have nothing to say to you. I know I shouldn't have hung up but try getting yelled at after you are the one that's been left and see what you do.

Then Big's phone rings, apparently he is the sane one of the group at this point, which is sad to say. He calmly tells Vixen for her and Vivi to meet us at Waffle House, we'll eat and sort out whatever is going on. As he hangs up I asked what she said. He said that she replied ok and then hung up so he guessed they were on their way. The five of us claimed a booth in the corner where I was wedged between the window and Big as Guy Friend slid in on the other side of Big, good thing I'm kinda small. lol. We waited on Vivi and Vixen to arrive but after fifteen minutes it was obvious they weren't coming so we placed our order. What little buzz I may have had was wearing off, I stared forlornly out the window watching the rain drizzle down. I felt like a shitty friend and I felt guilt over something I really didn't think was entirely fault. I was ready to be home. As the guys talked around me I sat quietly gazing out the window figuring I had said enough for one evening. "It's going to be ok," Big leaned down to whisper to me. I gave him a half smile hoping he was right.

The food arrived but the hash browns and toast just weren't as good as I wanted them to be. If you can't tell I hate it when people are mad at me. I'm one of those people that always wants everybody to get along. And as Big has pointed out before I perhaps take things a little to personal at times.

Finally we are back in the truck on the way home and I am silently thankful I have not moved the furniture out of the house yet. Knowing there is no food or drinks at the house I request a gas station pit stop where I grab a bag of Gorditos, Dr. Pepper (I know I'll need it in the morning), and Tylenol PM (I was ready for the pounding in my head to go away). On the ride home while Big and Guy Friend slept on either side of me I envisioned the long bubble bath I was going to take once at the house.

We finally arrived at Big's Jeep, we said our good byes to the other two and I claimed shot gun, smiling as Guy Friend climbed into the back. The Jeep was filled with the cold night air as we made our way closer to home. Big reached across to place his hand on my leg and rub my hand trying to warm it up. "You sure you don't want to come with us to the house?" Big asked. "No, I really want to just go home." I replied. He nodded his head, "I was hoping you'd come stay with me." I sat in silence thinking 'I'd rather tell Vixen I went and slept in my own bed'.

But luck would have it another way. We arrived at the house and I went to the lock box to retrieve the spare key (my key was with my car keys, that were with my car at Vixen's house). I open it. No key. My mind flashes back to this afternoon when I had been at the house packing and had locked my keys in the house. I had used the spare key to get in. I had then went upstairs to retrieve Hyper's bed which I had also forgotten. I had sat the key on the kitchen counter. Shit. I go to the door trying to shine the light from my phone thru the window pane. And of course there is the key. On the other side of the locked door. On the counter. Great. Just great. The vision of a long bubble bath slowly fades away. It is now 4:45 in the morning and there is no way I am going to knock on my mothers door and explain this situation. Big smiles knowing he has gotten his way and we head to his house (I refuse to admit this to Vixen however if asked I stayed at my house). I have no pajama's, no toothbrush, no nothing. Not even a purse (I had carried one of Vixen's to the club and she demanded it back at the same time she asked for the keys). I have the clothes on my back, my id, my debt card, my cell phone, and five bucks cash.

I retrieve a clean wash cloth and lock myself in the bathroom attempting to wash off the night. As I turn the lock I finally let a tear slide down my check. I had held it in all night but now that I was alone I cried. I couldn't believe Vixen had left me. I couldn't believe it all happened over something very stupid. I was wrong just as much as she was, I will admit that. But the difference is I would have never left her no matter how mad I was. But perhaps stubborn me should not have allowed myself to have been left. I washed my face and swished mouth wash, really wishing I had a toothbrush.

I returned to the bedroom and exchanged my club clothes for one of Big's t-shirt's ~ the one I always sleep in when I stay the night. Even when I have my own pajama's I always tend to claim this shirt. At this point I have taken the Tylenol PM and am anxious for the day to be over and sleep to come. So of course Big wants to talk. We lay in the dark and I fight to keep my eyes open and concentrate on what he is saying. Then I realize he is telling me that I don't know what I want. Whoa. Wait. Huh? He tells me that I told him I don't want a relationship but I don't want to be just friends with benefits. I clarify I don't want a serious relationship. At this point I'm feeling a little dazed, the Tylenol PM clouding my mind. I tell him I know what I want. I want to date. Specifically to date him. Then the next thing I know I'm telling him that I'm done. That we can either date or be just friends. That I'm tired of all this gray area crap. He points out that he came with us tonight to see me. I call his bullshit and perhaps a little to sniddy tell him he just wanted to get out.

Then the aggression from the night came out as I said all the words I had thought of saying to him but never had. I told him I was done. That we needed to go back to just being friends. "It's like you have me on a radar, every time I'm doing good and about to move on, about to let you go, you call me and you say all the things I want to hear to keep me hanging on." As I pause for breath he attempts to apologize trying to say it's nothing like that, but I'm on a roll.

Me: "And your speech!"
Big: "What speech?"
Me: "You cannot tell me you had drank to much to remember that! You quoted the effing Notebook to me for crying out loud! The Notebook! I've never even seen it but still you got me when you did that! I didn't want to believe you. But you know you sounded so sincere, like you'd really thought about the speech before you gave it. You said maybe we should give us a shot! You didn't mean it though. You were just saying whatever you thought you needed to say to keep me hanging on. Well I'm done! Don't call or text me again."
As the words leave my mouth I knew they were said from anger, but boy was it nice to get it out. I lay there in the dark silence.

Big: "You don't ever want me to call you again?"
Me: "Only if your calling as friend can you call me. This is our last night. From here on out we are just friends." My voice sounded cold even to me.

In my head I meant the words I said..... but in my heart....... at the thought of never laying there in the dark with him again my heart wanted to break. I lay with my back to him, the silence that filled the room deafening. He put his arm around me and pulled me close, "Well if this is our last night better make it count."

I let him hold me. Once again tears burned my eyes but I refused to let them out. As the first rays of dawn started to appear outside the window I was finally able to close my eyes and drift to sleep.

Hours later I awoke to find myself facing him. Me on my side of the bed, him on his. He lay there looking at me. An emotion in his eyes that I couldn't quite read. "Good morning," He said. "Good morning." We had only been asleep a few hours but those few hours had changed everything. I got up to go to the bathroom and returned to him laying there flipping thru the channels. I slipped back into bed and we lay there watching TV. Him on his side of the bed. Me on mine.

I knew I had done the right thing. It may hurt now, but it would have hurt a lot more further down the road. Kinda like pulling off a band-aid right..... the quicker you do it the less pain. I mean he leaves in a few months anyway for boot camp. No sense getting attached.

He got up and showered and for lack of other options I put on my clothes from the night before. I always have a change of clothes with me and the fact I was wearing the same clothes from the night before did nothing for my mood. As we waited for Guy Friend to finish getting ready we sat down at the kitchen table and started a game of chess (apparently Big and Don Juan have started playing chess instead of Guitar Hero).

The game of chess was left unfinished as Guy Friend came out of the spare bedroom ready to go ~ Big was having to give him a ride back to his car in town. At this point I was unsure of where to go. To go to my house where I had no car and no clothes (I've moved all my clothes to mom's), or to mom's house only to explain who dropped me off, why I don't have a car, and why Vixen left me at the club. So I call the only other person I know to call at this point, Punk-Rock-Chick.

As we pull into Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment complex I tell Big thanks for the ride and thank both of them for not leaving me the night before. I climb out of the Jeep and without a backward glance I walk into the apartment. I long to look back to see if he still has that look in his eyes. But I figure if he did he would have never let me walk away in the first place.

To be continued...........

Carrie, "Now I've laid down a gauntlet. He either has to say "I love you" back or I guess I'm going to have to break up with him."
Charlotte, "Well, how long are you going to give him?"
Carrie, "Well, I didn't put an expiration date on the sentiment, but I figure it's got the shelf life of a dairy product. It's going to start to curdle in about a week."
~ SATC ~

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sleeping With The Enemy

Last night as I hit "publish post" my phone goes off and of course it's Big. He invites me over, which he also had earlier and I declined. But as I listened to the rain coming down outside I think how nice it would be to curl up next to someone. I glance at the clock.... it's late..... and I'm already in my pajama's but what the hell. I tell him that if I come over I'm staying the night and with that I grab an overnight bag and head out the door. I arrive at the house to find the boys (Big, Don Juan, and another friend) all sitting on the front porch. For December and despite the rain in the air it is rather warm out. I grab a beer out of the fridge and join them on the porch. Big grabs my hand and pulls me down onto his lap where he wraps his arms around me hugging me tight. I sit there and we laugh as friend asks what his chances may be with the newly single Vixen. The conversation drifts and topics are quickly covered. After about thirty minutes my droopy eyes must have given away how tired I really was. With a nudge from Big I stand up as he tells the other two we are going to bed. I head toward the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, you know the nightly before bed routine. I enter the bedroom to find him already in bed and I am pleased to see he has put my favorite pillow on my side of the bed and fluffed it and the other pillow up for me. Yes I have to have two pillows. I climb into bed next to him scooting closer to the middle and the warmth of his body. He wraps his arms around me; my back comfortably pressed against his chest.

I close my eyes and listen to the rain coming down harder now outside. The dark of the room envelopes us like a cocoon and I feel myself settle in as I inhale and exhale with the rise and fall of his chest. It really is a comfort zone. I don't know how else to put it. When I am with him there is no other place I'd rather be. I always feel so safe and protected from the outside world; almost as if nothing bad can happen to me. I guess it's that comfort that always sends me running back to him. After every failed relationship I gather the pieces of my heart and run to him knowing that he will wrap me in his arms and with a soft kiss on the forehead he mends my heart and eases my pain.

I lay awake for sometime thinking about the situations I seem to get myself into. I honestly have no clue what I'm doing or if I am making the right decisions. But sometimes perhaps its best to just live in the moment. I snuggled down into the covers my movement causing him to stir ever so slightly ~ just long enough for him to sigh and squeeze me, then the soft snores resumed.

This morning there were no alarm clocks sounding, no rushing to get ready, for the first time neither of us had anywhere to be and could enjoy our day off by sleeping in. We awoke early but then quickly drifted back to sleep, dozing in and out until finally the light coming thru the blinds insisted it time we get up. A glance at the clock showed it to be ten so we lay there and talked for a bit. Laughing at each other and the things we had done over the years. He told me of his most recent relationship and asked about Fire Guy. I'm not one to kiss and tell so the details I provided were few and sparse. As we lay there laughing at each other I couldn't help but realize this was perhaps why we always come back. Around him I can always be myself and don't have to try to pretend to be somebody I'm not. He turned on the TV and I lay there my head on his chest as we watched the remainder of I Am Legend. Once it was over I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed. Even though I had the day off my to do list was much to long to lay around all day.

Wouldn't it be nice if time would just stand still? What moment would you chose to be stuck in? Sometimes you just want to be with the one that can make you laugh.

Carrie, "What do you want?"
Mr. Big, "Why don’t we save time and you just tell me what I want?"
~ SATC ~

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tis The Season

It doesn't feel like Christmas.... I mean it's next week and I still don't even have all the decorations up. I am usually Miss Christmas-time, this is normally my favorite time of year. But for some reason this year it's just not the same and I guess it really hasn't been since my dad passed away. So many things at Christmas revolve around family and there were also so many things that Dad and I did together this time of year. I used to get so aggravated how he would wait to do his Christmas shopping last minute Christmas eve, then he would expect me to wrap all mom's gifts for him. I used to get so aggravated, but now.... well I miss it. So perhaps that's one reason it doesn't feel like Christmas.

The other is that apparently it is "Tis the Season for couple trouble". In that Vixen and her BF recently became no more. So this last weekend was spent helping her deal with the chaos of him moving out. As we packed his bags she brought up memories of our high school days when we used to laugh saying we would be old maids together. We figured we'd end up like the two old guys in Secondhand Lions (of course we said this before the movie but the movie helps sum it up). Basically we'd be old with only each other. As we packed the boxes Vixen stated that it was starting to become more of a reality than a joke. I reminded her we are still young and many more years ahead of us before the old maid part kicks in. But thru thick and thin at least we have each other.

Also due to Vixen's new found singledom I attended her company Christmas party with her last weekend. At my recent office parties I passed on the alcohol not wanting to make a fool of myself in front of coworkers, but apparently at other people's office parties I have no problem drinking! So yeah I had a pretty good time! Open bar = one happy E. The new strictly beer policy went out the window as I ordered a rum runner for myself and a vodka tonic for Vixen. The food was excellent, the band was wonderful, and her coworkers were a blast. So overall very festive party.

This weekend I am looking forward to taking Vivi out for her Birthday and attending another Christmas Saturday. This party is just all my friends so I know it will be a night of drinks and laughs with a little card playing and beer pong thrown in for good measure. I can't wait!!

Now for those of you who may be interested in a Big update. Well I guess somethings never change. I will refrain from bitching (I did enough of that on the other blog; ie post 1 and post 2). I'll hear from him for a few days then a few days will go by I don't, then the pattern repeats. I heard from him today and yesterday which in theory means I won't for the next few days. Personally I think he is all talk, which I should know by now, but for the mean time I will just sit back and wait to see if anything ever comes of it. Perhaps 'old enough to know better still to young to care' could be the way to sum it up. But that's the thing with Big sometimes he's full of surprises. You just never know. Guess that's why he's my favorite mistake.

"Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year."
~ Barney, How I Met Your Mother ~

Thursday, December 11, 2008

One Minute

There are 1,440 minutes in a day and I use at least 30 of those staring off into space, another 30 procrastinating and then probably another 30 thinking about what I want for lunch. And I accomplish all of this between 8 am and 12 pm on a typical day. Oh don't lie to yourself, I know I'm not the only one. Today I have decided to take a variance from the norm thanks to The One-Minute Writer. Per the rules specified on the blog:
Who's got the time to journal daily? You do.
1. Read the daily writing prompt.
2. Push "Play" on the timer on the right side of the screen.
3. Spend 60 seconds or less writing a response to the daily prompt.

Less then one minute Huh? If you haven't noticed I can be a little long winded at times and tend to use far more detail than perhaps necessary, but I will give it a shot and in the process you will learn something else about me. The topic is: Scar story "Share the story of how you got a scar". So here goes....

On my left hand between my thumb and index finger is a scar. Let's just say a camping trip that involves hauling crap out onto an island in the middle of a lake and a 75 pound pitbull who is scared of water is not a good combination and can result in a horrible camping trip!!! As I swam stuff to shore said dog jumps out of boat, panics, I try to push back in boat while not drowning, dogs toe nail cuts hand, leaves scar.

So there is my one minute tidbit of the day. Wow there was so much more funny to that story than can be summed up in one minute....

“This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
~ Unknown ~

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Can a Relationship Bring You Back to Life?

In a search of a topic to write about I visited Carrie's diary in search of a question that I felt I may have the answer to. I may start doing this as a weekly column.... Of course it's just my opinion..... Anyway as I searched thru the questions I stumbled upon one of interest, "Can a relationship bring you back to life?" As soon as I read the question I knew my own personal answer. In fact several months back I wrote a short story that basically answered this question.......

Everyone had always said she lived in her own little bubble. And that was ok with her. But as he stood before her and she looked into his eyes she realized how naive she really was. Here before her was a man who had seen so many things that she couldn’t even imagine. His eyes held countless stories of tragedies and sorrow. As he told her of a call he had worked the previous night she felt a wave of sadness wash over her. A young boy still in high school had been driving down the road minding his own business. Never realizing his life was about to change. Then before him a figure appeared in the middle of the road. He slammed on the breaks. It was to late to stop; there was nowhere to swerve. Another young boy, to young to die, had been walking in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. Maybe it was his time to go, but at fifteen she thought it was way to soon.

As he recounted the story to her she could hear the melancholy in his voice. She longed to hug him and hold him close. His eyes had seen so many lives taken all to soon. At the same time he had also saved lives of those God was not yet ready to call home. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to rush into a burning building; the adrenaline pumping threw your body, your eyes stinging from the smoke. Or to be called to the scene of a car wreck where you try to save the lives of those within but knowing in your heart it’s to late. He was modest, rarely being one to talk about work and the calls he ran. He was a hero whether he wanted to admit it or not. An everyday hero that many people took for granite. She knew it must take a special person to do his line of work and that made him all the more special to her.

She wondered if he realized that he had saved her as well. It was not as obvious. There was no emergency call, no fire, no accident. In away he had saved her from herself. She had been unhappy for so long. So long that she forgot what it was like to really smile; not the fake smile she kept up for the world, but to really smile out of genuine happiness. He had brought her back to life. Opened her eyes again to the beautiful world around them. To some he may appear to be just your average guy, but she knew better he was hero.

As I'm sure you can guess I wrote this story about Fire Guy and to him I will forever be grateful. Even though things didn't work out he helped bring me back to life. He helped me to see that nice guys do exist. I guess he gave me hope and helped me to see why things did not work out with X. So yes, with a huge breath of fresh air I do think a relationship can bring you back to life.

"Today I had a thought. What if I... what if I had never met you?"
~ Carrie, SATC ~

Monday, December 8, 2008

Mind Over Matter

Saturday night I worked at Sports Bar, it was a slow night making me wish that I could have gone with Giggles and her boyfriend to look at Christmas lights. But I made some money and some is better than none. Well for passing on two fun events (the big game last week, Christmas lights this week) the Fun Gods decided to smile upon me with a great opportunity for Sunday.

Punk-Rock-Chick invited me to go snowboarding, of course I told her I was broke and didn't have the extra money.... and then the good news.... Lift tickets are normally $51 but Sunday if you brought 10 can goods to donate you got your lift ticket free. I could afford that.... hmm... but what about a board? Punk-Rock-Chick had already taken care of it and already asked a friend if I could borrow their extra board. All I had to do was say yes. And I did!!! Very excitedly!! I still needed the pants and jacket though.... So I called Vixen to see if she wanted to go and if I could borrow her extra pair. Of course she said yes. So Sunday morning at 6:30 our small group was pulling out of town to make the 2.5 hour drive north.

I have always wanted to go snowboarding and Vixen invites me every year but I've never been able to go. Once there Punk-Rock-Chicks boyfriend tried to give me some pointers and held my hands as we went down the hill together my first time. I realized quickly the best way to learn was to just get out there and do it. So we hopped on the lift and headed up. I had a blast!! It was so much fun! And apparently for a beginner I'm a pro. Everyone told me I did so good for my first time, Vixen even admitted I did better than her the first time she tried it. This made me feel good and gave me the confidence to head a little further up the mountain with them. I left that day definitely addicted and wanting to go back!

I'm very athletic and have learned over the years that you just have to be confident in yourself and your abilities. On the drive up Vixen asked if I was nervous, I honestly told her no. The way I saw it, in my mind I could already do this ~ I figured it couldn't be that much different from wakeboarding (boy was I wrong). It was different but same basic principle = balance is key! All it takes to succeed is mind over matter. If I tell myself I can do something, I do it cause there is no other option. That always works for me anyway.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."
~ Unknown ~

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Queen of Denial

"Denial: friend or foe?"

The last few days I have had so many thoughts running thru my head. The what ifs, the whys and everything in between. The reappearance of Big has thrown me off balance in a way. It's as if every time I seem to think I have it all figured out he appears and I discover nothing is as it seemed. I am not the most patient person ~ and that is putting it mildly. So the uncertainty of the whole situation is enough to throw a control freak like myself completely out of whack. Ok maybe control freak is a strong word...... I'm really pretty laid back...... but yeah I like to know I'm in control..... so control freak may be appropriate. lol

My heart hopes that this time will be different but in my mind there still lingers that trace of doubt. So I feel as if I'm sitting on a fence unsure of which way to go. Do I walk away, I mean at this point I still could. Or do I take a chance? Roll the dice and see what happens. Its I game I could lose or win. But if I walk away I will always wonder..... what if. I have kept the majority of this to myself, not wanting to tell my friends till I know for certain.

Big has been gone out of town this week and he sent me a message last night asking what I was doing, that he wished I was at the beach with them, and that he missed me. The naive, hopeless, romantic girl within couldn't help but smile. The conversation went on awhile him saying that they may come back today instead of Monday as planned, then added - unless you want to come down and we can stay thru Monday. A few days at the beach? Yeah I could use that! But alas here I sit at work so you can see the decision that I made..... Being an adult sucks sometimes! And so does being broke and the fact I already told Bartender I would work at Sports Bar tonight.

I told Big if I came I wouldn't be able to leave till around 11 p.m. at the earliest and that was a far drive just to stay one day and turn around and come back. I was shocked by his response telling me if I wanted to come we'd have to be out of the condo Monday but we could check into a hotel and stay another day or two if I wanted to. The offer was very tempting..... but I was getting the vibe from my women's intuition telling me this was not a good idea, mainly the driving 6.5 hours down there by myself in the 4runner that is in need of an oil change and new starter. So I tell him to come home today and maybe we can go for the weekend together sometime soon.

I think I am the Queen of Denial. I know better, yet I have hope. Why should this time be any different? It probably won't but I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm still leery, my guard still up. He is being nice, charming, and appearing to be sincere. Is he really though or is it my eyes only seeing what they want to see? I don't know, something just feels different this time. Maybe we've both grown up. I'm still not getting my hopes up, still waiting for that bomb to go off I guess. I never take his words for face value, nor believe them completely. How long can one live in denial? And is it really friend or foe?
Mr. Big, "Nice dress."
Carrie, "Meaning?"
Mr. Big, "Nice dress."
~ SATC ~

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'm Always Your Last Call

Like any other night I was at home doing the everyday things one does at home; washing clothes, playing with Hyper, getting ready to cook diner, etc. This morning I had awoken to snow blanketing the ground so I decided to put off my errands till tomorrow and had enjoyed a day inside. Here in the south we don't get snow very often, so when we do it's a big production. In that schools close and everybody uses it as an excuse to stay home. I tell you all this so that you understand by early evening I was feeling slightly restless. From the other room I heard my cell phone go off. I pick it up to find I have three new text messages..... apparently I didn't hear it go off the first two times........ I hit view to discover all three messages.............. are from............ Big. He asks about my day and what I'm doing. I reply and the messages go back and forth then that all familiar question comes across..... "are you dating anyone". The last we spoke mind you I had told him someone had asked me on a date and that was that. So I reply honestly and tell him no. Then that old familiar invitation arrived, the one inviting me to come over. I wait before responding. I told myself I would never step foot in that house again. But after being cooped up inside all day I'm a little stir crazy, and perhaps against my better judgement I respond yes.

As I run the brush threw my hair Lee Ann Womack's I'm Always Your Last Call, plays in my head. Cause no matter what I'm always Big's last call. So despite my better judgement I bundle up and head out in the cold to make the even shorter drive from mom's house to Big's. My house was about five minutes from his and mom's is about two. I arrive and find Don Juan, Big, Big's younger brother (who we'll call Lil Bro) and friend all gathered around in the basement hanging out. Big's brother estatic to see me runs up and picks me up in a gigantic hug. I love Lil Bro! I take a seat and become invovled in the conversation. Big scoots his chair over next to mine and places his arm around my shoulder. My fence is already very up at this point and I let the gesture go by unnoticed. After a few moments I excuse myself and go upstairs in search of something to drink. As I close the refrigerator I spin around to find Big right behind me, I had never heard him come up.

As if out of a movie he takes me in his arms and kisses me. I pull back surprised at this sudden new found affection. At my hesitation Big tells me he wants to talk. I follow him to his room where we have a seat. Normally I am a talker and all my friends can vouch for that but tonight I remained silent and allowed Big to do all the talking. After about thirty minutes he ended his little speach with a 'so maybe we should give it a go and see what happens.' I sat in stunned silence, wondering if I had heard him correctly.

"Did you hear me," he asks.
"Yes. Yes I did." I just sit there staring into his eyes looking for something that will tell me this time is different.
"Please say something....."

So I tell him my misgivings, and that maybe he is just panicing because he's about to leave for the military and wants to know he has someone to come home to. He assures me that that is not it, and as if to prove it he leans forward and kisses me again. This time I allow him to kiss me because even if for just a moment I want to believe all he has just said. Then he surprised me as we talked he quoted the Notebook (a movie I have not seen but now I feel I must). So I looked up the quote and he got it pretty word for word ~ "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

Yes the other night I was debating weather I was a Carrie or a Charlottee but after tonight I know I am a Carrie. I am that hopeless romantic, that even though I know better I still always allow Mr. Big back into my life. I had told myself the last time was it. After another hour of heart to hearts I told him to really think about all he was saying and that I was no longer interested in hearing empty promises. We discussed how we always come back to each other and when I told him I never expected to be here with him again he seemed surprised, "You know as well as I do with us it's never really over."

In the end I told him to think about everything, even if he needs a few days, than let me know if he really does wants to give it a try between us. He is leaving in the morning with the other three at the house to go to his family's beach condo for a week. In all honesty I don't expect to hear from him during this time. In answer to his question I said ok. But then again told him to think about it and if he decided he really wants to give us a shot we'll go from there or if he realizes he said all this in a panic of being alone that that was ok to and we would remain friends. As I rose to leave he caught my arm asking me to stay the night. I knew better though and despite the fact I would have loved nothing more than to stay I returned home.

I guess you could say I'm a little shocked. All those months ago I had longed to hear those words and know that I've heard them I worry they may not be real. Like always only time will tell. But like Carrie I'm afraid for better or worse Big will always play a part in the story that is my life.

"I'll see you Sunday night. Don't disappoint us. And by us, I mean you and me."
~ Carrie to Mr. Big, SATC ~