Sunday, December 21, 2008

Just Dance

Where do I start? I guess the beginning is always the best place... this weekend was: crazy, hectic, interesting, and full of surprises ~ to name a few.

It all started Friday....

I was at Vixen's getting ready for a night out and enjoying a mixed drink while I got ready and we waited on Vivi to arrive. We were going out for Vivi's birthday and at this point Vivi thought it was just going to be the three of us. But she was in for a surprise.... hence the reason I had avoided her calls as much as possible this week! I am a terrible, terrible liar and with my close friends I always crack under pressure! So as we left the house I was already feeling a little giggly from the rum. We arrived at the restaurant to be seen to our table where we were met by a group full of friends. Vivi acted surprised but I know she could tell we were up to something.... but she seemed to have a good time and that's all that matters!

As I sat eating diner and trying to sober up my cell phone went off. Big had been invited to come and I had talked to him before I left Vixen's and he acted like he wasn't going to make it. To my surprise he said that he was on his way and asked we wait on him at the restaurant. The night passed quickly as we finished our meals and those of us that were going out afterwards piled in cars heading south. We arrived at the club where Vixen and Vivi grabbed drinks and we headed for the dance floor. Things were going good and we were having a great time. As we danced the guys (Big and his three friends) sat on the sidelines drinking beer and probably laughing at us. Then the band changed pace as they started up a slow song. I took Big's hand, giving him little choice but to join me on the dance floor. As he took me in his arms and pulled me against him I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest. Sometimes a girl just wants you to take her in your arms and dance. I am one of those of girls. And unfortunately or fortunately Big is one of those guys. No matter where we are, at his house or at club, if a slow song comes on he will always take me in his arms and dance with me. That's one of those little things I guess I love about him. At the end of the song he dipped me then swept me off my feet in a hug before he lowered me once again to the ground.

He returned to the table while Vivi, Vixen, Girl Friend, and I continued to dance the night away.

Somewhere in the mix of this the camera was pulled out to snap some shots so Vivi could remember her "half-way-to-fifty" mark. Well I took a self portrait of myself and Vixen which was not flattering, I won't lie. So Vixen demands I delete it, which I do, but not without laughing about it first. Normally she would laugh as well but apparently post-break-up emotions plus beer equals overreacting. And in my still slightly buzzed state I was perhaps not as understanding as I should have been. I hate drama. And normally Vivi and I do a damn good job of avoiding it! We may skit around the outskirts of it at times but we are usually far from the eye of the storm. Friday night I did not fair so well as I was sucked into the midst. This and my stubbornness landed me in quite a predicament. I told Vixen if she was going to be hateful I was going to go home with Girl Friend who was with us. Vixen told me to give her the car keys. We weren't in my car. To avoid this type of situation this is always why I normally drive. But of course this has never happened before and would only happen one of the rare times I don't drive my car. So as Vixen and Vivi leave I sit on my stool fighting the urge to cry. Guy Friend (he was the one at Big's the other night I also referred to as friend if he makes more appearances I'll give him a name ~ he has been a friend for along time but is a minor character and I hate to come up with so many names and confuse everyone!), anyway, Guy Friend takes a seat beside me and asks me if Vixen and Vivi just left me. I nod my head, still kinda shocked. He asks how I'm getting home. I know realize my stupidity in that I am a good seventy miles from home. I tell him I'm going home with Girl Friend who lives about ten minutes from the club. Guy Friend tells me I can ride back with them.

At this point I start to weigh my options. Do I a) go home with Girl Friend and then worry about how to get home in the morning or b) catch a ride home with the guys tonight? I weigh my options:

a) If I go home with Girl Friend she will have to give me a ride home tomorrow which is an hour drive there and hour drive back for her.

b) If I ride home with the guys I can sleep in my own bed (which is a plus) but I worry Vixen will be mad thinking I wanted to go home with them all along (which was not true! I wanted to go home with her and Vivi, sleep in the next morning, then the three of us spend the day together before the Christmas party. But I know Vixen and I know how she thinks).

I sigh feeling damned if I do damned if I don't. If I choose option a, Girl Friend will be inconvenienced with taking me home the next day ~ if I choose b Vixen may be more mad then she possibly already is. By this time Big has returned to the table and is also surprised Vixen and Vivi had left. He says they are ready to go as well and asks if I'm coming with them or not. I look over my shoulder to where Girl Friend stands at the bar being hit on by a guy she obviously knows and then I realize if I stay I may encounter an option c that involves me going with Girl Friend back to some random (to me) guy's house............ This was it decision time. And then I asked myself, "what do I want to do?" The answer was clear. I wanted to go home.
I hugged Girl Friend bye with promises I would let her know when I arrived home. You would think this was the end of the night. Shake of head. It wasn't. I climbed into the backseat of the truck between Guy Friend and Big and the suggestion of Waffle House is brought up. Everyone knows Waffle House is always best after midnight and a few drinks. Apparently that's why there is one located conveniently across the street from the club. As we pull into the parking lot my phone rings, it's Vixen, I answer ~ she yells ~ I hang up. I know real mature. But if I'm already aggravated/hurt yelling at me is not the way to go. I was yelled at for to many years by X and I told myself never again would I allow anyone to yell at me. If you can't talk to me in a reasonable fashion than I really have nothing to say to you. I know I shouldn't have hung up but try getting yelled at after you are the one that's been left and see what you do.

Then Big's phone rings, apparently he is the sane one of the group at this point, which is sad to say. He calmly tells Vixen for her and Vivi to meet us at Waffle House, we'll eat and sort out whatever is going on. As he hangs up I asked what she said. He said that she replied ok and then hung up so he guessed they were on their way. The five of us claimed a booth in the corner where I was wedged between the window and Big as Guy Friend slid in on the other side of Big, good thing I'm kinda small. lol. We waited on Vivi and Vixen to arrive but after fifteen minutes it was obvious they weren't coming so we placed our order. What little buzz I may have had was wearing off, I stared forlornly out the window watching the rain drizzle down. I felt like a shitty friend and I felt guilt over something I really didn't think was entirely fault. I was ready to be home. As the guys talked around me I sat quietly gazing out the window figuring I had said enough for one evening. "It's going to be ok," Big leaned down to whisper to me. I gave him a half smile hoping he was right.

The food arrived but the hash browns and toast just weren't as good as I wanted them to be. If you can't tell I hate it when people are mad at me. I'm one of those people that always wants everybody to get along. And as Big has pointed out before I perhaps take things a little to personal at times.

Finally we are back in the truck on the way home and I am silently thankful I have not moved the furniture out of the house yet. Knowing there is no food or drinks at the house I request a gas station pit stop where I grab a bag of Gorditos, Dr. Pepper (I know I'll need it in the morning), and Tylenol PM (I was ready for the pounding in my head to go away). On the ride home while Big and Guy Friend slept on either side of me I envisioned the long bubble bath I was going to take once at the house.

We finally arrived at Big's Jeep, we said our good byes to the other two and I claimed shot gun, smiling as Guy Friend climbed into the back. The Jeep was filled with the cold night air as we made our way closer to home. Big reached across to place his hand on my leg and rub my hand trying to warm it up. "You sure you don't want to come with us to the house?" Big asked. "No, I really want to just go home." I replied. He nodded his head, "I was hoping you'd come stay with me." I sat in silence thinking 'I'd rather tell Vixen I went and slept in my own bed'.

But luck would have it another way. We arrived at the house and I went to the lock box to retrieve the spare key (my key was with my car keys, that were with my car at Vixen's house). I open it. No key. My mind flashes back to this afternoon when I had been at the house packing and had locked my keys in the house. I had used the spare key to get in. I had then went upstairs to retrieve Hyper's bed which I had also forgotten. I had sat the key on the kitchen counter. Shit. I go to the door trying to shine the light from my phone thru the window pane. And of course there is the key. On the other side of the locked door. On the counter. Great. Just great. The vision of a long bubble bath slowly fades away. It is now 4:45 in the morning and there is no way I am going to knock on my mothers door and explain this situation. Big smiles knowing he has gotten his way and we head to his house (I refuse to admit this to Vixen however if asked I stayed at my house). I have no pajama's, no toothbrush, no nothing. Not even a purse (I had carried one of Vixen's to the club and she demanded it back at the same time she asked for the keys). I have the clothes on my back, my id, my debt card, my cell phone, and five bucks cash.

I retrieve a clean wash cloth and lock myself in the bathroom attempting to wash off the night. As I turn the lock I finally let a tear slide down my check. I had held it in all night but now that I was alone I cried. I couldn't believe Vixen had left me. I couldn't believe it all happened over something very stupid. I was wrong just as much as she was, I will admit that. But the difference is I would have never left her no matter how mad I was. But perhaps stubborn me should not have allowed myself to have been left. I washed my face and swished mouth wash, really wishing I had a toothbrush.

I returned to the bedroom and exchanged my club clothes for one of Big's t-shirt's ~ the one I always sleep in when I stay the night. Even when I have my own pajama's I always tend to claim this shirt. At this point I have taken the Tylenol PM and am anxious for the day to be over and sleep to come. So of course Big wants to talk. We lay in the dark and I fight to keep my eyes open and concentrate on what he is saying. Then I realize he is telling me that I don't know what I want. Whoa. Wait. Huh? He tells me that I told him I don't want a relationship but I don't want to be just friends with benefits. I clarify I don't want a serious relationship. At this point I'm feeling a little dazed, the Tylenol PM clouding my mind. I tell him I know what I want. I want to date. Specifically to date him. Then the next thing I know I'm telling him that I'm done. That we can either date or be just friends. That I'm tired of all this gray area crap. He points out that he came with us tonight to see me. I call his bullshit and perhaps a little to sniddy tell him he just wanted to get out.

Then the aggression from the night came out as I said all the words I had thought of saying to him but never had. I told him I was done. That we needed to go back to just being friends. "It's like you have me on a radar, every time I'm doing good and about to move on, about to let you go, you call me and you say all the things I want to hear to keep me hanging on." As I pause for breath he attempts to apologize trying to say it's nothing like that, but I'm on a roll.

Me: "And your speech!"
Big: "What speech?"
Me: "You cannot tell me you had drank to much to remember that! You quoted the effing Notebook to me for crying out loud! The Notebook! I've never even seen it but still you got me when you did that! I didn't want to believe you. But you know you sounded so sincere, like you'd really thought about the speech before you gave it. You said maybe we should give us a shot! You didn't mean it though. You were just saying whatever you thought you needed to say to keep me hanging on. Well I'm done! Don't call or text me again."
As the words leave my mouth I knew they were said from anger, but boy was it nice to get it out. I lay there in the dark silence.

Big: "You don't ever want me to call you again?"
Me: "Only if your calling as friend can you call me. This is our last night. From here on out we are just friends." My voice sounded cold even to me.

In my head I meant the words I said..... but in my heart....... at the thought of never laying there in the dark with him again my heart wanted to break. I lay with my back to him, the silence that filled the room deafening. He put his arm around me and pulled me close, "Well if this is our last night better make it count."

I let him hold me. Once again tears burned my eyes but I refused to let them out. As the first rays of dawn started to appear outside the window I was finally able to close my eyes and drift to sleep.

Hours later I awoke to find myself facing him. Me on my side of the bed, him on his. He lay there looking at me. An emotion in his eyes that I couldn't quite read. "Good morning," He said. "Good morning." We had only been asleep a few hours but those few hours had changed everything. I got up to go to the bathroom and returned to him laying there flipping thru the channels. I slipped back into bed and we lay there watching TV. Him on his side of the bed. Me on mine.

I knew I had done the right thing. It may hurt now, but it would have hurt a lot more further down the road. Kinda like pulling off a band-aid right..... the quicker you do it the less pain. I mean he leaves in a few months anyway for boot camp. No sense getting attached.

He got up and showered and for lack of other options I put on my clothes from the night before. I always have a change of clothes with me and the fact I was wearing the same clothes from the night before did nothing for my mood. As we waited for Guy Friend to finish getting ready we sat down at the kitchen table and started a game of chess (apparently Big and Don Juan have started playing chess instead of Guitar Hero).

The game of chess was left unfinished as Guy Friend came out of the spare bedroom ready to go ~ Big was having to give him a ride back to his car in town. At this point I was unsure of where to go. To go to my house where I had no car and no clothes (I've moved all my clothes to mom's), or to mom's house only to explain who dropped me off, why I don't have a car, and why Vixen left me at the club. So I call the only other person I know to call at this point, Punk-Rock-Chick.

As we pull into Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment complex I tell Big thanks for the ride and thank both of them for not leaving me the night before. I climb out of the Jeep and without a backward glance I walk into the apartment. I long to look back to see if he still has that look in his eyes. But I figure if he did he would have never let me walk away in the first place.

To be continued...........

Carrie, "Now I've laid down a gauntlet. He either has to say "I love you" back or I guess I'm going to have to break up with him."
Charlotte, "Well, how long are you going to give him?"
Carrie, "Well, I didn't put an expiration date on the sentiment, but I figure it's got the shelf life of a dairy product. It's going to start to curdle in about a week."
~ SATC ~

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