Monday, January 19, 2009

Why, Why, Why

The past couple weeks X has been contacting me. It started off innocently enough with him requesting a copy of our last years tax's. But it didn't stop there. I mean really does it ever? He started sending me messages daily. Every morning telling me good morning and telling me he hopes I have a good day. Sometimes pointless trivial conversation. But sometimes the conversations turn to the coulda, shoulda's and I wish this or I wish that. He tells me he misses me, misses us. This is like a sucker punch to the stomach that sends me falling helplessly to my knees. "I still love you" comes across as another punch; one I see coming but still dazed from the last blow I can't seem to get out of the way. Then I, always glutton for punishment, asked him if he was over me.... his reply, "Honestly no, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on but it feels like there is something I'm leaving unfinished. Like when you try to go on a trip but feel like you are forgetting something. If I was ready to move on with my life I don't think I would feel that way. It's just so confusing."

I feel myself falling to the ground, buckled over in pain from the blows, tears flowing freely. How can he say this? He's the one that has moved on.. the one that is already in a relationship with somebody else. I mean I've tested the waters. I've hung out with guys and went on dates, which I'm free to do. But I'm not in a relationship. And I'm not the one in a relationship telling him that I still love him. WTF?

I feel the anger stirring inside as I start to pull myself up off the ground. With a swift back hand motion I wipe the tears from my face. The heat of anger radiating off my face.

So let me get this straight... you love me? Yes. You miss me? Yes. But you don't want to be with me? You don't want to try and work things out? ~ Yeah makes whole hell-lot-of sense to me!
He tells me he doesn't feel certain either way... furrowing of brow..... well doesn't that mean you take time to yourself and figure it out? Of course not. That would make to much sense. Sense the sarcasm?

I want to know what the secret is for moving on? Someone must know! I sure as hell don't. Every time I try it seems I take two steps forward and three steps back. I'm doing good and then he contacts me (which he always does first). I just don't understand the reason why. I mean whats the point? He's moving on. He's dating someone else. Why tell me this? Why make me cry? He's happy why can't he let me try to move on and be happy? Instead it's like he keeps knocking my feet out from under me. Why won't he just let me let go? why? Why? WHY?
Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go

I talked to you the other day
Looks like you make your escape
You put us behind, no matter how I try
I can't do the same

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road
~ Faith Hill, Let Me Let Go ~

6 comments:

Date Girl said...

I hate that guys do this. They almost sense you moving on and come back to tear open the wounds. You need to take a stand against it, no matter how much you want to write back. You have to ignore the texts. You need to not even read them. Trust me-this guy doesn't want you back and he is being extremely selfish for telling you he loves you. If he loved you, he wouldn't have another girl-he wouldn't torture you this way. You have to be strong and tell him to respect your space, and then don't give in. I'm so sorry he's playing these games, but now its your turn to show him that he can't get to you.

phoebe said...

omg. deja vu. jolly green did the exact same thing to me... no sooner did i not play stalker exgirlfriend, but he then emailed me. called me. stopped over. date girl is right. you need to put your foot down one way or the other. i'm sorry he's being such a boy...

Vivi said...

Okay, so you know how I feel about this. From being there, I know how much you think you still need him, but you know as well as I do, you don't. You've made it this far without him and you know you can continue to move forward. I agree with everyone else... it is time to let him go. TOTALLY. He is doing nothing but trying to keep you holding on and it isn't fair. Remember your New Years Resolution - LET IT GO!

jwriter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jwriter said...

The secrets to moving on are time and action. First realizing that it takes time to heal and secondly taking the actions to move on for yourself. Not doing what everyone is telling you you should do to move on, but to do things that will help you to move on and to heal.

Sometimes we as humans can be selfish and us guys can be selfish and territorial: (Some men) may break up with a woman, but her thoughts and feelings should still center around them, even if they have a new man or we are in a relationship. (I have been guilty of this thinking). It's all about keeping the ego which is active in every man in some form or fashion, especially when it comes to women. Your X maybe trying to hold on to the power he has over you (I don't know the guy so I'm not speaking ill of him or judging him), he maybe wishing that his current girl could be more like you, she's not, and so he texts and calls you to fulfill that void she creates (especially if her feelings, thoughts, responses to him doesn't stroke his ego like yours may have), or finally he may just really be confused or mean-spirited I don't know, but what I do know is that you shouldn't torture yourself or be tortured by these text. If you need to heal, empower yourself to gain control of your healing and move on. Just think about it.

Thanks for posting.

Unwritten said...

I don't understand how it's so easy for some people to move on either. It's been a year now and I don't think I can handle another relationship.