Friday, April 3, 2009

Weighing Heavy

The past two nights I have stayed with Vixen. Something which is not unheard of but two week nights in a row is kinda rare. I mean lets face it she's my best friend but we are alike in that we like our "me" time. But that wasn't my first clue something was up. The past week I have seen her everyday. Almost as if she comes to me for an escape. I never asked what it was she was escaping from or what it was that was so obviously weighing heavy on her mind. I knew she would tell me on her own terms. Her own time.

Yesterday as I sat at my desk at work watching the rain poor down I really wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up with Hyper. But after a second call from Vixen inviting me to come eat diner and stay the night, I had a tugging feeling I should go. That sixth sense that knows when something just isn't quite right even though you can't put your finger on it.

It was nearly midnight as we sat in front of the TV battling each other at American Idol PS2 (which we rock at). Mid song she blurts out something unexpected. I stop and look at her. She is looking back at me. We are silent the music on the TV continuing on without us. I fumble for the play station remote and hit pause. I get up from the loveseat and go to sit on the opposite side of the couch from her.

"You can't tell anybody." She whispers holding out her pinky, the gesture reminding me of days long ago when we were young, life was simple and our promises naive and childlike.

I hold out my pinky, we connect and shake, "Promise."

"I haven't told you cause I don't want you to tell my mom and dad." (her parents are like second parents to me, seeing them weekly).

"I won't tell," I promise not knowing if that is the right decision but also knowing it is not my secret to tell.

"I went for a check up....... the surgery apparently didn't get it all." She keeps eye contact with me and I can see the fear in her eyes, "I have stage 1 cancer."

I sit there shocked. In November we were told it was no big deal. Just pre-cancerous cells. Nothing a little laser couldn't take care of. In a split second I go into calming mode. "Stage 1 that's not to bad that means its just started; that they have caught it in time."

I can see the change in her eyes as the weight of her secret is removed from her shoulders, "Yeah hopefully this surgery will take care of it."

We sit up till nearly 2 a.m. talking about it and everything else in life that seems to be easier said after midnight.

They say its common. Cervix cancer. But still it scares me nonetheless. After losing my dad to cancer I guess it just brings back all those old feelings of helplessness, etc.

I mean I'll be honest I can't make it without her. She is the sister that I never had. That best friend that lets you make your own mistakes but walks silently by your side ready to reach out and grab if you get to close to the edge. I am so blessed to have not 1 but 5 best friends. Each bring something special to my life. But Vixen is the ying to my yang I guess. The one that has always been there over the years regardless of anything.

Today Google research has eased my mind somewhat. Helping me understand more of what it is really all about. But still I won't lie I'm scared. She will never know it. As long as I have the brave face on so will she. But the what if's linger in the back of my mind. What if they don't get it all this time either? Than what?


Date Girl said...

I'm so so sorry! I was reading your story and picturing my best friend in Vixen's shoes and my heart broke. I think the only thing you can do is think really positive thoughts. You're right about the stage one, and it is early. She's going to need a strong friend around like you. I will be thinking positive thoughts for her too.

phoebe said...

aww. i'm sorry to hear that! (goosebumps!)

i agree with date girl... she is going to need that one strong friend to be there for her... i'm confident that you can fill those shoes without a problem. i too, will be thinking positive thoughts about her... please keep us posted!