Friday, January 15, 2010

You Must First Let Go Before You Can Ever Move On

Ex's have seemed to be a topic of conversation here lately for some reason. Maybe it's the whole new year thing, perhaps it makes people reflect on the past so as to prepare for the future. I'm not sure.

X and I are one good terms (well good as can be I guess), which I am thankful for. A few days after becoming engaged I even received a nice text from him saying something along the lines - Congrats! Marine is a great guy and I wish you both the best.

Yes, imagine my surprise.

But I am glad we can be on good terms. He has moved on. I have moved on. We are both happy, yet we recognize the fact that we shared nearly 8 years together. Most people would probably think it weird. Me, I'm just glad that we have reached a point we can be happy for each other. There is to much hate in the world already as it is. And life is to short to hold grudges.

Now I know that we are the rare few that actually can get along. And after all that we went thru there at the end just proves if we can get along anyone can.

So Vixen also got engaged recently (that is for another post) - when telling her of the text she was mildly surprised and this then ensued into a conversation about her ex.

I ramble. I say this to get to the point of my post on ex's.

About a month after Marine and I started dating I received a Facebook friend request from Marine's ex. At first I was a little surprised. It's a small town. I know her enough to say hi if I pass her somewhere but that's it. Being a considerable amount younger than me, she is not someone who I am very familiar with. I wonder if there is an alternative to the request and let it sit for a few days.

Marine and I at that point in our relationship had not really spoken of ex's - both agreeing the past was the past. The difference being he dated this girl less than 6 months before the relationship ended. It ended around the same time frame as my relationship with X did. {perhaps I should note that she was about 19 (him 21) when they dated and is now 21.... so yeah considerable amount younger than me}.

I finally decided to accept the friend request - Because well for

1. I never decline a friend request. I'm always afraid that if I do that person will be sent a message saying I declined them.....(will they?). Stupid yes, but that's me "Miss Never Wants To Hurt Anyone's Feelings."


2. I considered that perhaps it was a coincidence she sent me a friend request shortly after I had started dating Marine and that I was probably over analyzing it anyway.

So I accepted. She was dating someone else anyway(remember RC? My younger guy friend who thinks I'm his relationship guru?). And thanks to my friendship with RC I already knew more about their relationship than I preferred. Because even though I hardly know her I do know RC. And RC has called me anytime he has had any kinda of girl problem or girl question for about the past 3 years. Why he wants my advice I have no clue, but for him it always seems to work.

So a picture of her and RC is set as her profile picture. I click on her profile (as I usually do with any new friend) and I browse through her pictures. I was a little surprised to see that even though she had a new boyfriend (one of some time) and that it had been some time since the breakup, she still had several pictures of her and Marine posted.

I thought this odd because most people immediately delete the ex (or maybe that's just me). Shrug of shoulders. Oh well. I don't give it a second thought.

Fast forward a few months. Her and RC break up. RC calls of course and wants my advice. After many fights and this and that the relationship has ended. At this point I feel slightly uncomfortable. And then he drops the bomb telling me he thinks she is still hung up on Marine. I feel very uncomfortable at this point.

He confides in me the reasons she is (for lack of a better word) hard to be with. Then he wants to know why Marine and her broke up. Did she treat Marine the same way that she was treating him? [basically like dirt - from his side of the story anyway, but there are always 2 sides to every story]. Here is when I become extremely uncomfortable. I didn't know, nor did I want to know, all the in's and out's of this past relationship. I gave RC vague advice on how to win her back. Hoping that he would find another confidant. I value our conversations and the friendship RC and I have but we were friends dating ex's. One of which has no feelings for the other (Marine) and one who is suspect to still have feelings. New uncharted territory for me, and a one that I didn't plan on getting familiar with.

I tell RC that I'm not comfortable with this and that it's none of my business about Marine's past relationship. The past is the past for a reason. And that we (Marine and I) are focusing on the future and that he should do the same.

He loves her. He wants her back. I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want involved. He asks for one favor. To see if she changed her relationship status on Facebook. RC didn't have a Facebook and in his twisted grasping at straws mindset he figured if she hadn't changed it he might still have chance.

I cave. It's a simple request. I log in. Her status has been changed to "single". I click on her pictures. Every single one of RC is gone. The albums, the profile pics. Everything. No trace of this recently ended relationship. Yet the pictures of her and Marine are still up.

I find this odd and wonder if RC is right. Marine knows of my friendship with RC, heck he has been sitting beside me in a range close enough to hear when RC has called needing advice. But I don't tell Marine what RC has said and I never mention the Facebook thing to him.

Why? Because I'm not a jealous person. And also I think at one time or another we have all been that girl. The one that holds on. The one that was dumped but hopes that one day he will come back. That he will realize the new girl he is dating is not what he's looking for and that he misses her. In her heart she holds on.

Yes, girls are crazy. But most of us have done this at least once I'm sure. Held on to something that wasn't there. So I understood her heartbreak at the fact Marine had moved on and I felt slightly sorry for her. I knew what it was like to realize that hope was gone. The advice I wanted to give her (that I wish someone had given me at one point in time) but couldn't was - that even though you now realize he has moved on and that your heart is hurting, everything happens for a reason. You to will be happy one day and thank God that it didn't work out.

But I couldn't tell her that.

Fast forward few months later.

I have not thought of her or the pictures.

I change my status on Facebook to engaged. This is followed by many friends new and old posting congrats.

Then I see her name. She has posted on my wall under my status change. "Congrats girl :)" it reads.

I haven't thought about her in months but at the comment I ponder about what went thru her mind when she first saw the status change. And I think of a guy from my past who I had a hard time of letting go and think of the feelings I would have felt if in her situation.

A few days go by and on the live feed her status has changed to in a relationship. I have not spoken with RC in months, which is not uncommon I only hear from him when he needs an ear to listen. And I think at our last conversation it was left unspoken that he would have to figure this one out on his own without my help.

Curiosity gets the best of me and I click on her name. I wonder who the new relationship person is. Like all things Facebook the answers are always written on the wall. Someone had asked her who the lucky guy was and she responded RC. They had worked things out. A smile crosses my face, and a feeling of pride as I realize that my young RC has grown up. Like a mama bird who sees her baby fly successfully out of the nest I know that RC has figured out how to fly on his own and that my help is no longer required.

But is she ready? I click on her pictures and see that she has finally deleted the ones of Marine.

She had let go. Now RC would get the fair chance from her that he so wanted and deserved. Will it work for them? I'm not sure. But the cycle of the life of a woman has changed for her. She has learned the important lesson that all woman have to learn in their own time: you must first let go before you can ever move on.

1 comment:

Date Girl said...

You're a stronger person than I am! I would definitely have told Match if his ex did that. Then again...she crossed the line a lot worse-she wrote to Match professing her love and asking for him back...TWICE. So in your case you were so right not mentioning anything because it never started conversations between her and Marine. And she's young, it makes sense that she would hold on.

Glad to hear she's finally let go and deleted those old pictures. After we were engaged and Match changed his facebook status, I wondered if his ex would say anything to him, but she never did. I guess after a year and a half of us being together, and 3 years of them being broken up before that, she's finally moved on too.

Oh, and ps, if someone doesn't accept a facebook friend request, they don't get a message. It just says pending approval if they check your page. Not quite as harsh!