So part of my new year's resolution to myself was to blog more. I was thinking once a week..... at least once a month..... I've failed miserably.
Tonight though I find myself home alone and yearning to write!
Why am I home alone?
The boys are back in town! lol yes the song plays in my head even as I typed that. Marine's USMC buddies (3 of them) are in town for a visit. We haven't seen them in over two years so they were a site for sore eyes. Marine and Roommates bromance is back in full force. I'm so happy for Marine to get to spend time with his best friend. I take for grant that I can see my bestie as often as I do. So this weekend Marine and his buddies headed over to the family camper that is parked at lake campsite over the summer.
Perfect night for a girls night! So after dinner with her Aunt Vixen, Maddie and I came home and I was all excited about time just the two of us....... well Maddie fell asleep on the way home and went right back to sleep as soon as I laid her in her bed. So that means party is postponed till around 2 am!
So I made a big leap a few weeks back and decided to go back to work full time. When I originally took the job a few years ago my gut had told me not to take it and I had ignored it. The job was ok, the people were great, but working with an office of women all under the age of 35 was a little to much drama for me. So when I went part time it was good. And it clouded my memory of before. Then the offer came. My boss got promoted and I was offered a promotion to her previous job position. Great salary, pretty good benefits..... of course I would have to come back full time.....
The debate began. Marine told me wasn't going to give an opinion. It had to be my decision.
They then tell me starting in September the company is going to offer daycare at work. The daycare would be small, only about 5 kids.
This made the decision tougher to make. My gut told me not to take it. But my head said this was a great opportunity. I admit I may have been blinded by the money..... I convinced myself that if I didn't take the job I would be being selfish. That I know I wanted to stay home with Maddie but what about in a few years when she starts school? What would I do then? Go back to a low paying receptionist job? I thought of all the money Marine and I would be able to save. The money we could put into finishing out the new house. The money we could put towards Maddie's college fund. I mean we have been living on Marine's income so my new salary could mostly go into savings.
My gut still had alarm bells going off. I ignored them. And decided it would be best for the family if I took this possibly once in a life time offer.
I accepted the job stressing that I was accepting it due to the upcoming daycare. My boss said that over the summer I could come back to work and her daughter could watch Maddie at the office. There was an empty office in the back that could be turned into a playroom. "It'll be fine!" she said.
Now maybe I should mention her daughter is 12.
I knew this wouldn't work. But I knew if I didn't at least try it I could kiss the job goodbye. So I made arrangements with the 12 year old and settled on a babysitting salary I would pay her each week for watching Maddie at the office.
On June 3rd I went back to work full time.
Needless to say it took 2 weeks for Maddie to break me. Maddie is not much for going to work. The first day was good because it was something new. The second day.... not so good. And it has only went down hill from there. We now pull in the parking lot and Maddie say's "mama no, no."
So the second week in I cave and tell my boss I can't keep doing this. That I understand her daughter is trying hard and is doing a good job Maddie is just used to being more active. I mean Maddie has never stayed home an entire day in her life. I mean we always go to the barn every day to feed horses and the chickens. And most days we go Marine's restaurant to eat lunch with him after the lunch rush has ended. So staying in place all day was not her idea of fun.
I thought it would get better as she adjusted to the new routine. But when you can hear crying from a few doors down and her desperately saying "Mama... mama..." your heart melts and you realize no amount of money is worth it.
Maddie knows I'm in the same building so I know that is probably part of the problem.
I have since been juggling trying to make the best of the situation. Marine's mom has also pitched in keeping Maddie 2 days a week.
I keep telling myself that if we can just make it two more months problem will be solved.
Then I learn this last week that we more than likely are not going to be getting a daycare.....
Marine and I have both agreed we really don't want to put Maddie in actual day care. And call me old fashioned.... maybe it's because my mom was a stay at home mom.... but I want to raise Maddie. I don't want a stranger raising her. I want to be the one to teach her things. I want to be the one to see her as she tries to experience new things. I want her to learn our families values, not those of someone else.
Now don't get me wrong I know that most families have to have two incomes in this day and age. With the price of gas and food it is nearly impossible to get by on one income like earlier generations were able to.
But when working part time I realized just how many things you can really do without. And you know what? You don't even really miss all that stuff you once thought you needed.
After 3 weeks of not seeing Maddie but a few hours a day I've determined two things.
1. Somethings are more valuable than money
2. Always listen to your guy
I know I'm being Debbie Downer as I wallow in stupid self pity. I mean with all the "real" problems in the world this is ridiculous to even waste blog space over. I get that. But since Aunt Flow is currently visiting I will chalk up crazy hormones as being one of the author's behind this post.
I write in hopes that I will one day look back and read this and know that I made the right decision.
But what should that decision be?
Back to the drawing board.... Do I suck it up and deal with it? Or do I follow my heart and return to being a full time stay at home mom?